Reviews

Just to be clear on where we stand: I like Doctor Who and think it's never been better than under Moffat was showrunner (yes that includes the classics, even Holmes & Hinchcliffe). I think series nine is the best season of the revived era, possibly of all time.

But...

'Sleep No More' is not a good example of why I think that. It's one of the worst episodes of the revival.

Mark Gatiss attempted to create nightmare fuel with this episode and while he does technically turn watching this into a living nightmare it's not the way he intended. What should have been and could have been a horror masterpiece is laughably bad at best and, ironically, sleep-inducingly boring at worst.

To be fair there are some nice ideas at play here. I can't fault a 52-year-old show for trying something new but sadly, because Gatiss is such a poor writer, none of it clicks into place. 10/10 for ambition but the execution is awful.

I have said all I want to say as I don't feel that this episode is worth any more of my precious time but let me close with an observation: Mark Gatiss comes back every single year. The Who Fandom let out a collective groan when he was confirmed for series ten shortly after this was broadcast and again when he said he wanted to write a sequel. I doubt that he'd be back year on year if he wasn't Moffat's bestie, but it's not what you know is it?

I loved every moment of these two episodes. Well almost. Could've done without the Vampire Monkeys.

Loved Peter Capaldi's performance here as he shows off a huge range from joking around, to pained, to sorrowful, to deadly menace, to compassion, to childish fun, to seething explosive anger... none of the previous Doctors ever came even close to that range before. His comic delivery of his one-liners ("Admit it, you've all had this exact nightmare." "Dalek Supreme, your sewers are revolting!") is impeccable.

The scenes he has locked away with Davros throughout the two episodes, particularly part two, are nothing short of perfection. Capaldi and Bleach acting acting to each other, Davros is a step ahead of the Doctor but he doesn't know that the Doctor knows and the Doctor knows he doesn't know he knows. Spellbinding. I was *this* close to feeling empathy for Davros – read that again: empathy for Davros!!! – when Julian Bleach turns it around completely. Bleach steals the show, which is saying a lot when your co-stars are Capaldi, Gomez and Coleman.

And the cameos for past Doctors 1, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 10 are always welcome. Full marks for including "Unlimited Rice Pudding, Et Cetera, Et Cetera!"

Michelle Gomez's definitive Master is so delightfully and beautifully unpredictable and pure evil. You're never comfortable around her as you never quite know what she's going to do next and Jenna Coleman sells this sense of unease to perfection. Throwing Clara down a hole to test its depth? Hanging her upside down to kill if there's nothing to hunt? Singing while locked up in prison? Going "Wheee!" as a Dalek explodes around the corner? Freezing the planes in the air just for the hell of it? Zapping the "spares" into dust? Move over Delgado, we have a new best Master ever. That's a fact and I defy anyone to convince me otherwise.

I like the idea of the Doctor going missing. He's going to die soon and has left a will so what does he do next? He has a party. He plays guitar for a while. He invents a new word centuries early. He references his 4th and 11th selves. Then he sees Clara and displays a sense of vulnerability that we haven't seen much of with 12. There's something wrong here. Something's happened to him since we last saw him at Christmas. With that a new story arc is opened up for the ninth series to explore, I'm intrigued to see where Moffat goes with it.

That's not all for arcs this story introduces. We get frequent references in part two about why the Doctor fled from Gallifrey (I'm guessing his confession will cover that) and a prophecy about a hybrid of two warrior races, which I doubt has anything to do with the TimelordDaleks we saw created. It's all very enigmatic for now but I expect we'll see more from these strands throughout later episodes of the season.

Dalek sewers are not an idea that should work, but they do. What Moffat played for laughs back in 1999's The Curse Of Fatal Death are here played for serious drama and it works well. On paper it's a bad idea. In practise it's wonderful and creepy. Dead, decaying, angry Daleks that are even prepared to cannibalise their successors if they get the chance. (All that's missing from these scenes in the sewers was a scene where Clara got grabbed by a giant clam.) I like how Moffat hides the solution in plain sight but paces his script well enough that it's not obvious until it comes to pass at the climax of the story.

I'd also like to draw attention to Clara in the Dalek begging the Doctor for mercy. Very tense, well played, well written, and I genuinely thought the Doctor would pull the trigger. A nice callback to Oswin in the asylum with Nick Briggs managing once again to put a real pained sound into the voice of the Daleks.

Bonus points for Classic Daleks, including the Special Weapons Dalek, as well as their modern counterparts and my personal favourite Red Supreme Dalek (also the Master's favourite, that revelation made my day). MAXIMUM EXTERMINATION!!!

I loved this story. I mean I really really really really LOVED it so so much. I'd even go so far as to say that it's my new favourite Dalek story of them all and second-favourite of all time (behind Listen). I simply cannot fault it.

But, like Listen, it's not for everyone. I'm sure that the soulless freaks that didn't enjoy it will enjoy next week's episode which appears to be a simple base under siege story with ghosts. No reliance on the mythos there and an all new monster voiced by the guy from Slipknot. That's gonna be good, I just know it!

It's an unusual thing about Doctor Who that there can be so many different versions of the Doctor besides the ''official'' versions. Here in 2003 there lurks the mysterious Shalka Doctor, an alternate ninth incarnation, played by Richard E Grant and visible only by animation. He has his own TARDIS interior, sonic screwdriver, companions and title sequence. In fact until Russell T Davies showed up this Doctor was THE Ninth Doctor.

The plot of Scream of the Shalka is typical ClassicWho fare: the Doctor arrives, meets some monsters, stops them and then he's off. In this edition he also acquired a new companion in the form of Alison joining him in his TARDIS where there also resides the Master in an android body. There's also some involvement from UNIT but they prove that without one of the Lethbridge-Stewarts they're little more than ''Red Shirts''.

REG's performance is of a Doctor who appears disinterested but will still get the job done, even if he may need an incentive. Can he be trusted? What's happened to the Doctor since his previous McGann-shaped incarnation? That's the question that Paul Cornell sets out to ask but not necessarily answering it. I'm reminded of the "Am I a good man?" arc from series eight and the Twelfth Doctor. In fact the Shalka and Twelfth Doctors are quite similar personalities in lots of ways.

The true highlight of the show is Derek Jacobi's Master. It's a shame he doesn't get much screen time but he's great during a limited period, just like his official Master from Utopia.

This is an unusual look into what could've been but now never will be, an important lesson for Doctor Who obsessives to learn about. In a universe where the show never got back on the BBC as the mighty juggernaut of British Television it is today then this is how the show would exist now.

It's a shame we never got more of this Doctor. All we have are three stories. Scream of the Shalka and its novelisation, a short story online called The Feast of the Stone (which is really really good) and Simon Clark's unfinished Blood of the Robots. I wish he'd blow the dust off his scripts and treat us to that sometime!

There's been some talk at time of writing this review that Peter Capaldi may be stepping down from being the 12th Doctor in a couple years' time from now. If so then I nominate for the 13th Doctor Mark Gatiss.

This sketch sees Gatiss playing the Doctor (incarnation unspecified) when he lands in a generic quarry and meets someone identifying himself only as "I'M BAD!" demanding that the Doctor stop his plan, though what the plan is is anyone's guess, at his convenience. Next Wednesday works for them so they agree to meet up then.

Mark Gatiss and David Walliams co-wrote this amusing sketch that serves as a love-letter to the show. The Doctor commenting "Where've you brought me to this time old girl?" is just the sort of thing you can imagine hearing the 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 6th Doctors saying and upon the series's eventual return the 10th and 11th use that sort of language pretty much all the time. Even in a spoof that's such a wonderful tribute to the show we all know and love.

I'm serious about what I said in this review's title: Mark Gatiss should be the Doctor for real. (Maybe he could wear a costume like what he wears in this? Let's make this canon!)

What can I say about this episode that doesn't sound horribly mean?

It's something that must be seen to be believed.

It's got a plot in there somewhere but it's anyone's guess what it was.

It's a final bow for most of Doctor Who's cast members.

It's got the cast of Eastenders in it because... err... nobody really knows why, it just does.

This is utter utter trash that I advise we should burn with fire. Satan himself could produce a better Doctor Who script than this by submitting as a script his soiled toilet paper.

Having said that, the whole thing was for charity. So I guess it was worth it.

This episode is the only Simpsons episode to produce actual genuine vomit in my throat. It's ridiculously pro-American beyond the point of satire. It's far far too political to even remember to so much as try to be funny. And to make it worse (which you wouldn't even think possible) there's also an annoyingly catchy musical number in there.

The episode is filled with hate. It is the story of a whole nation rising up against a small innocent family of five for no particular reason, even Maggie is targeted and she can't even walk or talk yet! This is all because Bart moons the US flag – by accident! – which is apparently an insult worthy of… going to Alcatraz?! The Simpsons respond by escaping via an extremely pro-American musical and swimming to safety, then they get a lift to France and start a new life in Paris. The episode ends with the family getting back to the USA by becoming illegal immigrants; seriously?! After everything they've gone through they want to go back?!?!?!

If you think hate crimes are funny you'll like this episode. If you have any human decency you won't.

This episode is an extremely poor one. Let's take a look at why that is.

We begin with a daft joke that doesn't work as Homer and Marge celebrate "happy new year... of school", the kids are "the government's problem now" and the parents are "free at last, free at last" because of it. That seems like what modern Homer would do but Marge is totally out of character here because that's what the so-called joke demands. She'll be posing for Playboy next! Oh wait...

Then we get into our main 'story' as the school announces a new nationwide test that must be undertaken by the students, which leads into a dumb montage of how the teachers are not teaching kids the subject but the exam. This could've been a(n unoriginal but) funny satire but the jokes are so forced that it doesn't seem natural and as a result fails to get the laughs it's going for and instead feels like padding, as if this episode doesn't have enough of that already.

Then after the practise test Skinner and Chalmers pull the same stunt they already did better in season 4 fan-favourite Whacking Day of secretly hiding away all the school's underachievers (and Chalmers goes one better by throwing Skinner in with them) so as to improve the school's standing in the test. This was funny back in Whacking Day because it didn't drive the plot but instead was a funny throwaway gag that simply set the plot in motion, here it's the ENTIRE STORYLINE OF THE EPISODE and it doesn't work.

This leads to them being stranded in Capital City where Ralph gets stuck on a barge because... well... I don't know why, he just does. I would guess the writers write a scene that explains this but it got cut but at this point I'm beginning to think they've stopped caring about why the characters do things beyond the fact that they can write it. Skinner saves him using science WHICH HE NARRATES IN CASE WE COULDN'T PICK UP ON IT so that the kids think they're learning (despite not learning anything, like, at all) and then they all take the boat back to the school because Springfield Elementary backs onto the ocean now.

Then we conclude the episode with Skinner throwing out the test (Chalmers is right next to him but says nothing) which apparently will not affect the school in any way (despite the test being forced on them by the Vice President of the United States, you know, the second most powerful man in their country) because he's learnt something, even though just one minute earlier we saw that it was only the kids with him learning the thing.

That's the end. Or it should be because what comes next is horrendous. It's like the writers just stopped trying at this point because rather than address anything that's happened everyone starts dancing to Kenny Loggins's song 'Footloose' and that's it. Not even a parody, this is a full-on recreation of the scene from the end of that movie.

There's also a B-story about Homer having to wait until 3PM to renew his (unspecified) insurance and worrying about people getting hurt at his home. This should have been the main storyline here because there's more material for the writers to work with on this premise, even if we have seen it all before. But that's not what happens as we only get two scenes. The first is Homer having hallucinations of Marge and Lindsay Neagle killing everyone and then making out (that's what Homer dreams about apparently because this isn't like The Simpsons anymore, now the show is a Family Guy clone) and then we get a scene of him being a ninja with cheese cubes in order to save Luanne Van Houten from being impaled on cocktail sticks leading to Mr Burns getting a knife in his head complete with squirting blood. I kid you not, that's what qualifies as a Simpsons episode nowadays and if it sounds stupid that's because it is.

The fact that that last paragraph accurately describes this episode says it all really. This show has lost its way a long time before this episode, and there are many others that are much much worse, but if you want an episode that demonstrates what's wrong with The Simpsons today this one captures it beautifully.

Doctor Who has been going for more than half a century and its cultural impact on Britain and the world cannot be overstated. So to say this makes the first episode essential viewing is a no-brainer. The question is then now we know what the show has gone on to be did Doctor Who actually start off as a good show? The answer, thankfully, is a definitive yes!

In this debut episode from the pen of Anthony Coburn we are presented with a sense of mystery from the beginning right from even the first otherworldly sound of the now-iconic theme. We meet Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright (that latter has the distinction of getting to say the first spoken line ever in Doctor Who), two schoolteachers who are curious about the advanced knowledge of a shared student Susan Foreman. They follow her home to a junkyard where all that they see of note is a Police Box making a humming sound. And then we meet him, the original Doctor himself Mr William "Billy" Hartnell.

The 1st Doctor is of a different breed to what modern fans have seen in David Tennant's 10th or Matt Smith's 11th but Peter Capaldi's 12th is similar in many ways. Hartnell's performance is exquisite and draws you in. You just have to join him as "wanderers in the fourth dimension" to see what he's all about. It's just such a perfect performance he gives here and you question this man is he trustworthy? It will turn out he is but you have to get to know him first.

If you're a fan of the show you need to see this. If you're someone who has ever appreciated television you need to see this. If you are alive and well and a human being then you need to see this.

Have I made myself clear??? GO WATCH THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!

This is the worst movie I have ever seen at the cinema. It's just so boring and literally NOTHING happens. Don't believe me? Here's the entire plot:

Little girl meets fox. Little girl has fun with fox. Little girl takes fox home. Little girl tries to dress fox in human clothing. Fox tries to escape. Fox jumps out window. Fox dies but little girl learns nothing. (There's a narrator in this too but she only serves to interrupt the flow of an already badly paced so-called movie.)

If that sounds like a proper plot then I haven't done it justice because there's no plot here, not really. If you're able to watch this without falling asleep from boredom then there's a problem.

If you watch this then mute your television and watch it for the scenery instead. There's nothing else here to keep you interested.

It's not even able to be a kids film! Surely by all logic it should at least be able to do that much right but no! Even your children will be begging you to let it end. Show your kids some Disney movie instead, you know, something that actually manages to have a plot and appeal to kids.

"Clara & the TARDIS" does what it says on the tin by giving us a genuinely funny interaction between the (then 11th) Doctor's companion and his occasionally-reliable time machine.

The plot is basic (it is a DVD short, what do you expect?) but that's okay as this exists to be funny rather than having any substance. It's about Clara getting into trouble with the TARDIS when it (she?) starts messing Clara around by hiding her bedroom and generating hologram leopards in the shower.

It's a very funny short and the TARDIS shows its personality via some beeping noises before showing Clara images of several past companions which allows for a few humorous responses (Re Amy Pond: Dear God, that woman is *made* of legs!). Then Clara gets duplicated thousands of times through a selection of time paradoxes. Two Claras apparently shared a bed; it's the stuff fan-fiction is made of right there!

This short is very funny and I recommend it to you. Watch it. Get the series seven DVD and watch this on it.

This is a great little short done for the BBC Proms starring David Tennant in character as the 10th Doctor interacting with a live audience. Despite his not being there he has the audience, especially the kids, hanging on his every word. His delivery could not have been better unless he had literally been there himself in person. There's also a brief story with him facing an evil Graske which is very amusing written by the master of Doctor Who comedy Gareth Roberts. The trick with 10 sending his music to the live orchestra was very clever too. This is well worth taking a few minutes out of your time to pull this up on YouTube to watch. You will be entertained, I guarantee it.

The Minions from Despicable Me and its sequel were present for no reason beyond merchandising. Seriously, they weren't needed and added nothing. So to give them a spin off movie seems the logical move to get some cash.

That this should be released parallel to the cleverest Pixar in years is no coincidence I'm sure but it only serves to illustrate how lifeless this really is. I do hope parents will have faith in Pixar enough to take their kids to that instead but this is the merchandisable recognisable brand so I won't get my hopes up.

But it's for kids so what do I know? It achieves what it sets out to do I guess. I will weep for the future of filmmaking when the inevitable Minions 2 and subsequent Netflix series get announced.

This movie is not very good. That said, it's not awful and it will hold your interest long enough so that you stick with it to the end -- but I can't put my finger on why.

The problems with it are the characters, all one-dimensional stereotypes. We've got the British military giant-of-a-man, the estranged daughter, the detective and the corporate bad guy, as well as a handful of others who don't do anything beyond bulk up the cast list.

Take the Brit for example: His accent is convincing until you realise it can't decide if it's London or Northern, switching back and forth between the two often within the same sentence. His character is our lead and so we get behind him in his search for his daughter that seems to consist entirely of one coincidence after another with several scenes that see him beating up people for no good reason. The actor is not very good and has to be carried by his costars.

I will say this for the movie: James Caan is great in it.

Overall this movie is okay but nothing special. It's just so by the books and lifeless that you shouldn't care but there's something about it that makes you care anyway. This movie is a good way to kill some time on an evening in but that's about it.

What's there to say about this movie that hasn't been said?

Lacking from any consistent direction this is one of the worst movies I've seen in a while. It seems to be trying to be a proper sci-fi thriller but it's also trying to hard to be sleek and sexy with the end result of a cobbled together mess of both that satisfies in neither.

Filled to bursting point with nudity and sex as well as nonsensical action sequences. If that's not bad enough it's also endlessly ignoring the "sci" in "sci-fi". And then there's that ending in which we learn that Earth will be either destroyed or improved in less than 60 years but we never learn which. Also one of the protagonists is randomly pregnant for no reason.

With everything going wrong around them all the characters keep having lots of sex and not dealing with the problems they're facing which is why they all die. There's a lesson to learn here kids!

Garbage. Avoid this movie. 1/10

After JPIII was a bit, shall we say, rubbish this franchise had been dead. But not anymore! Wisely choosing to not ignore the previous two sequels it instead just glosses over them and follows on the first by setting the action back on the first island and not even giving Site B a passing mention.

Set in real time after the original we learn that John Hammond's dream of a Jurassic Themepark has been realised in the form of Jurassic World on Isla Nublar where it turns out people are not interested so the geneticists create a new monster. Bigger, scarier, more teeth. Meta-reference, methinks, to the fact this movie even exists. It wouldn't be a JP movie if it didn't go wrong and suffice to say that when it does, despite the lack of shock value, it will still get the adrenaline pumping.

The dinosaurs are better looking this time round, ideal since there's more of them, and the cast has a much needed overhaul. Chris Pratt leads as a man who can command Velociraptors with Bryce Dallas Howard as the park secretary. Both do great. The two kids, not so much, but they're less irritating the any kids seen in the previous trilogy. Not that that's saying much!

There's one scene that'll stick with you most of all which is the bit with the Pterodactyl and the Moasaur as they both eat the same person but otherwise the deaths are less memorable despite the higher body count. It's sad when some of the raptors get offed as well.

In all this movie comes up best of the three sequels and second best overall. Definitely worth a watch. 4*s out of five. And it leaves the door open for a fifth instalment as well so that's good.

This is Zelda at its best. Not even Ocarina of Time can compete with it for sheer quality or even replayability.

The plot is fairly basic as it sees Link shipwrecked following the linked Oracle ending and finds himself on an island where all is not as it seems.

Is Link the unwitting villain? Why have Mario and Kirby got starring roles? And just what is the Wind Fish?

The revelation that Links task could destroy the world is so dark it makes Majora's Mask and Twilight Princess look like Saturday morning cartoons.

An absolute must for fans. 11/10

Incest and terrorism are both horrible. This is a movie that explores both.

An Anerican teenager and her English cousin embark on a sexual relationship against the backdrop of WW3 but get separated and she must go on a journey to be reunited after a terror attack in London separates them.

Phoned in performances meet flat direction in a movie that doesn't know whether it's trying to be thought provoking, romance or thriller and ends up falling short on all three instead of succeeding at any of them.

Pure garbage. AVOID!

You probably haven't seen this short but if you go onto YouTube you'll find it soon enough. It's basically a parody of The Hunger Games but with the district tributes replaced by the 13 Doctors (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, War, 9, 10, 11, 12) played by lookalikes of their real-life actors. River Song and the Master both get a look in as well.

Though there are some issues with the voices and not all the Doctors look quite right and some of the Doctors die too easily -- I doubt the War Doctor would be so easy to kill -- but there's a lot to like here such as mocking the various gimmicks of the incarnations such as jellybabies and celery.

Well worth a watch, if you want a good laugh.

One-off spoof starring a new Ninth Doctor (Rowan Atkinson) and his companion Emma (Julia Sawahla) with whom he is having a romantic relationship. It sees the duo go head-to-head with the Master (Jonathan Pryce) in a battle of time paradoxes eventually leading up to a confrontation with the Daleks. Things soon go wrong and the Doctor is forced to regenerate into Richard E Grant, then Jim Broadbent, then Hugh Grant before getting killed once more irreversibly. Or not, behold the Thirteenth Doctor: Joanna Lumley! Since the Doctor and Emma had planned to wed but Emma doesn't swing that way things seem to be over for the romantic side of their relationship and they decide to go on as just friends, but then the Doctor takes a liking to the Master instead.

So there you have the entire plot and in an alternate universe where the series wasn't revived this would have been the end of the show and would probably be the last ever episode, as is this is a brief exploration of an alternate timeline were the 8th Doctor didn't turn into the War Doctor but instead became a Blackadder lookalike. And it is canon: read The Gallifrey Chronicles and see for yourself.

Each of the five Doctors has got a clearly defined character and all of the actors are clearly having tremendous fun with it. Steven Moffat's script is well paced managing to fit so much great stuff into just under twenty minutes yet never once feeling rushed. He pays a loving tribute to the show he'd be running 11 years later poking fun at its plot holes (I'll explain later) and budget issues (These corridors all look the same) as well as letting Pryce's Master have some deliciously camp lines to deliver (They're not breasts, they're Dalek Bumps, they're also extremely firm). Doctor Who has never been funnier.

10/10