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Lurkerbunny
Reviews
Inspector Clouseau (1968)
J'taime, mon ami Antoine
Oaky, to get this out of the way, no I haven't seen all the Sellers Pink Panther films. I started watching the first one but halfway through my mom started complaining about other culture's treatment of women (???) so I got upset and turned it off. Too bad I had to return it to the rental place the next day.
But this one was special, I had to see it. Doctor Who's Master, Anthony Ainley, was in it, villainous as ever. Well, it's a small role, but man he's so cute. He looked totally French, but his accent wasn't good. Still... le sigh.
Alan Arkin's performance isn't bad, though I'm sure those who have seen Sellers more disagree with me. Still, Arkin looks cuter. And he got to be in bed with lingerie girls (you'll see ;) ).
Assault (1971)
Before Britney Spears...
... not to mention before political correctness too. This could never be made today because now we know rape is about power, not sex. But in this film, it's all about sex, sex, sex. It's the original schoolgirl fetish film, a precursor to those Japanese tentacle films, except without tentacles.
If you've read the summary, you'd know some pervert is raping schoolgirls in the woods. And killing some too. Why one girl goes through the woods directly after the first rape I dunno. Anyway it's a big mystery, and every guy is a suspect. This film has a lot of alternate titles, mostly dealing with Satan because the schoolteacher who saw the perpetrator said he "looked like Satan". Lesley Anne-Down (or however you spell it) is the lovely and barely legal (17 at the time) first victim.
Okay, you've read this far, you know there's a spoiler warning, you must really wanna know something. Like who did it. It was Anthony Ainley's character. Yup. The old Master himself is the evil rapist. Who's really surprised, huh? Now excuse me, I think I'll go hop a TARDIS back to 1971 and stand in the woods while wearing a schoolgirl outfit. Aww yeah.
The Blood on Satan's Claw (1971)
I got the R2 DVD, and
Continuing my Anthony Ainley escapades (see my review of "The Land That Time Forgot" for more detail), this film I HAD to see. I love cheesy British horror, and this was like WOW. I'm sorry, but if I had to choose between this and "The Exorcist", I'd have to say sorry to Miss Linda Blair. For one thing Linda Hayden was already legal age when she made this, & she looks like me too. But there is of course another reason I watch this over and over (sigh). Anthony here plays the near-tempted priest.... that's not really a huge spoiler since that's what the films famous for. His Professer Snape-like hair is amusing though.
Now that i have the DVD, I can see what was cut from my old MGM tape copy. First of all., in the seduction scene, we see a bit more of Linda Hayden (LOL Anthony must have loved that), and also durign the rape of Cathy Vespers (Wendy Padbury, another big Doctor Who name), we see a quick nipple shot, plus more of the rape including they guy CLIMAXING (!!!). All I can say is wow. British horror rules.
The Land That Time Forgot (1974)
Yummy!
I discovered this movie after becoming a MSTie. I figured since the guys on the show didn't do it, I might as well. But while watching, I fell in love with someone who was in another show I was into. Anthony Ainley, otherwise known as Doctor Who's Master, was in it as the villainous Deitz. God, he was so handsome in that leather German Sailor outfit. He looked so young, so cute without that beard of evil, but oh he is so evil. And during the fight scene with the fat guy his shirt almost comes off oh god yes why won't it come all the way off? This film truly was a turning point in my adolescence.
Oh, and Doug McClure's in it, and there are some cheap dinosaurs and stuff. Yeah.