joedante's Reviews

Halloween Kills (2021)

1/10

8 December 2021

What a stinker!

Boy, how can someone make a movie THAT bad?

Michael Myers is an unstoppable, super powerfull and completely indistructable superhuman beeing. No knife, bullet, car, pitchfork, fire or burning gasses can hurt him.

All the characters are so stupid it will make you cringe through the whole movie. M. M kills them by the dozend, but you don't care about them anyway. If you thougt, the Hallowheen movies couldn't get any worse.....

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Blood Red Sky (2021)

2/10

Boring and way too long

30 August 2021

Again, a massively overhyped Netflix movie, with big plotholes, unlikeable characters and no real story to speak of. Avoid!

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Army of the Dead (2021)

2/10

Stupid and overhyped

30 August 2021

Probably the most overhyped movie of the decade.

Plotholes so big you could drive a truck through, dumb, unlikeable and annoying characters, no "story" you could actually remember.

Avoid!

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The Empty Man (2020)

1/10

Boring and generic

30 August 2021

The first 10 Minutes are promising, but the rest is boring and as generic as the title (Hollow Man, Empty Man, Candyman, etc). Nothing you haven't seen in at least a dozend other flics, and way too long to keep you interested. Avoid!

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Z-Office (2017)

1/10

No gore, not funny.

10 May 2021

Supposed to be a fun splatter, or splatter comedy, but it is neither funny nor is there any splatter or gore. Just 47 minutes long, ist is still very boring, has extremely unlikeable characters and is so stupid it makes you cringe.

Avoid.

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Space Sweepers (2021)

1/10

Cheap, boring, stupid

10 March 2021

Cheap effekts, completely unlikeable characters you don't care about, stupid dialogs. An annoying childish robot, everyone behaving completely unlogic. I suffered through 30 minutes, then I turned it off. Be warned.

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The Devil's Machine (2019)

1/10

Don't waste your time!

13 February 2020

Complete and utter crap. Don't believe the fake reviews and don't waste your time with this nonsense. You have been warned.

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Mayhem (2017)

2/10

Very boring.

14 April 2019

Not much mayhem here, just a lot of boring talking. Some gore, but not nearly enough to make the movie enjoyable or interesting. Skip!

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Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018)

2/10

Don't waste your time

20 February 2019

The only reason anyone would watch this are Pegg and Frost, and both are completely wasted in this movie. The first tiny piece of action starts after 50 minutes into the film. Not funny, no gore, nothing new. A big disappointment.

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Bad Times at the El Royale (2018)

2/10

WAY too long and boring

23 December 2018

This is a wannabe Tarantino movie, and it shares the same problems. Too much dialogue, too much talking, nothing really going on, stupid people doing stupid things. Would have been OK as a one houre movie, but at 2 houres 20 minutes, it is hard to sit through.

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The Predator (2018)

1/10

Dumb, stupid and cheap

19 November 2018

I don't want to write too many words about this sorry excuse for a movie, except yeah, the bad reviews ARE right. This is one of the worst movies you will ever see, and yes, this pile of stinking crap killed the Predator franchise. Everything about this movie is so silly, so stupid, so full of bad jokes that it is hard to endure. The whole movie looks so incredible cheap (the "CGI" is an insult to the viewer), that it might as well have been produced by Full Moon Entertainment. The story about a "good Predator" that wants to save humanity (why???) and the bad Superpredator is garbage. You don't care abeout any of the characters one bit, and of course, the hardest, toughest character is a woman. A biologist, that is. Don't waste your money and your time. Go and watch "Predator" with Arnold instead.

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Klassentreffen 1.0 (2018)

1/10

NOT FUNNY!

20 October 2018

This has got to be the most unfunny comedy of all times. Written and directed the more notorious than famous Til Schweiger (at least in Germany), who also plays the main character, it features more unfunny, stupit jokes than any other "comedy" I've seen. Mostly about hemorrhoids. Enough said. Avoid!

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Andover (2017)

3/10

Bad movie, bad acting, stupid main character

11 October 2018

This could have been a somewhat interesting or funny movie, but it is not. The main character acts so stupid and dumb that you want to hit him in the face and force him to marry a rubber doll. Avoid this one!

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The Meg (2018)

2/10

Most stupid movie in 2018!

6 October 2018

Probably the most stupid movie in 2018. Every single action in this movie is so dump that it hurts your brain. Every vew minutes, someone sacrifices his life for somebody else. Everything about this movie is so incredible idiotic that it is really hard to watch. Avoid! The Meg looks cool, though.

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Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)

3/10

Extremely boring and dull

2 October 2018

Boring, no real story, characters you don't care for, and far, far too long. Full of unfunny jokes and silly one liners. If you are older than 10, avoid.

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Beep: A Documentary History of Game Sound (2016)

1/10

Not worth watching!

19 December 2016

Imagine a documentary about video game sounds....without ANY examples and without ANY video game music. Sadly, that's what this documentary is. Endless interviews, endless talking. A lot of people you've never heard of talk about the game music business. Where are the famous composers? Where was Rob Hubbard, Martin Galway or Ben Daglish? Besides Chris Hülsbeck, no one I've ever heard of has made it into this documentary. Where are all the iconic game musics from Nintendo, C64 and Amiga? Where was "Last Ninja" or "Arcanoid"? Sad. Just sad. Instead of some game music, they played the same boring loop of music for 1 1/2 hours in the background of the interviews.

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Dear God No! (2011)

1/10

Don't waste your time with this crap.

4 September 2016

Ultra cheap, ultra stupid, the worst bunch of "actors" you've ever seen. This disaster of a movie isn't even mildly entertaining. Even the few gore effects are lame and the topless girls are ugly. The fact that the film was made to look like a 70s biker flick gets boring very fast. Don't waste 2 hours of your life... I mean, 1 hour and 10 minutes of your life with this garbage on celluloid. Anyway, the worst thing is the "creature" at the end of the movie. It is clearly a guy in a very very cheap costume and so laughable it will make you cringe. Sadly, this is not a movie "so bad it's good". It is just awfully bad. Go watch something else!

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Violent Shit: The Movie (2015)

1/10

Lives up to its name.

21 March 2016

Why anyone would make a sequel or remake of one of the worst movies ever made (Violent S**t), done by probably the most untalented director EVER (Andreas Schnaas makes Ed Wood look like an Oskar winner...) is beyond my understanding.

Acting, dialogs, sound, editing, synchro, even the special effects, it is all so bad the 1:20 hours feel like an eternity. The two famous Italian directors must have been forced at gunpoint to do a cameo in this steaming pile of s**t. The only thing noticeable it the music, done by Goblin.

This sorry excuse for a movie is bad, really bad, and I do not mean bad in a funny or entertaining way.

There are so many little movies worth of a remake, so many film gems that would deserve a sequel. Why this one????

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The Manhunt (1975)

2/10

Very boring. One of Lenzi's worst

12 March 2016

Warning: Spoilers

Even for a fan of Italian cinema like me, "The Manhunt" is a very boring movie and a big letdown for fans of Umberto Lenzi.

Henry Silva is not really a good choice as a main character (he only has one facial expression), but the character he plays behaves so completely dumb, stupid and idiotic that it doesn't matter at all.

The film starts with a robbery, and a little girl gets shot without any apparent reason - probably the only reason is to get the revenge story going. Her father then starts the manhunt, but he is a complete moron and keeps on beating up random small time criminals, never even getting near the real murderers of his girl. At the End, he kills some drug dealers, who got nothing to do with the murder, because he thinks they are responsible for the death of his little girl. The police let him go anyway and make up a self defense story, because "the man has suffered enough"! Yeah,right. Stupid, boring and dull. There are definitely much better movies made by Umberto Lenzi.

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Father's Day (I) (2011)

2/10

Painful to watch!

13 September 2014

I have seen quite a view Troma Movies, and Toxic Avenger and Poultrygeist are some of my all time favorites, but this disaster of a c-movie just stole one and a half hours of my life I will never get back. The whole movie doesn't make ANY sense, and you're trying to figure out what is going on all the time, people are talking bullshit constantly, and you have a hard time not to fall asleep.

Shure, there are some scenes where old fat men get raped, tortured and sliced up, but even these are dull and boring because the acting is so unbelievably bad and the effects so cheap that you don't know if you should cry or laugh.

It's not funny, it's not shocking, it's not even mildly entertaining, so don't expect some nice sleazy exploitation.

You will have a lot more fun with ANY other Troma movie....

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Godzilla (2014)

2/10

looks just as cheap and cheesy as the 1954 original.

24 August 2014

Let's start to say that I am a Godzilla fan, and that I liked Roland Emmerich's Godzilla movie, but this crap is just awful.

During the whole two and a half hours of the movie, we see maybe 15 minutes of Godzilla. The rest of the time, we see a lot of soldiers running around, people looking very concerned, and two other monsters, which look almost exactly like the monster from Cloverfield.

We hardly see any action, most of the time you just get to see the destruction after and a lot of demolished buildings, and if there IS any action, it is always at night, in the dark and in the rain, so you are constantly trying to figure out what is going on on the screen.

Worst of all, the 160.000.000$ Godzilla looks Exactly like a fat guy in a rubber suit.

Go see Emmerich's Godzilla, it has at least a lot of action and Godzilla looks cool.....

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Hotel Inferno (2013)

1/10

One of the worst "movies" I have ever seen!!!

17 August 2014

First, let me say that I can not believe 40 people gave this sad piece of VHS tape a 10! The acting is virtually non existent, you never see anyones face without a cheap stupid latex mask, which my grandma probably could have done better. The whole idea about a hotel full of "demons" is so stupid you can't believe it. Whithyout acting, story or characters, the only thing left is the gore, which is really really cheap and ugly. Add to this an annoyingly shaky camera and someone making gargling noises all the time, and you have a movie that makes "Plan B from outer Space" an Oscar-Winner. Avoid at all costs! Just watch something else instead...

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