Reviews

Ah, "The Strain". Is this the vampire-based horror TV series many were thirsting for, or just another washed-up reimagining of classic lore? Brace yourselves because your ol' Grumps is here to dissect the mess of a show that struggled to keep its head above water.

The show's premise is based on Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's novel trilogy. It revolves around a CDC team, led by Dr. Ephraim Goodweather, that must combat an ancient vampire-virus hybrid threatening to annihilate humanity. With del Toro and Hogan involved, you'd think it could only be a feast for the senses, right? Well, not quite, so let me give you a rundown of its strengths and weaknesses before labelling it a masterpiece or a catastrophic disaster.

First, I'll consider where this show didn't completely botch the job. The special effects and makeup deserve praise, as they render the grotesque vampires convincingly spine-chilling. The set designs were convincing enough to make one feel the impending doom lurking around every corner of New York City.

Despite these impressive visual elements, "The Strain" tries to revive a tired idea by mashing together unremarkable characters and monotonous subplots. It seems as if the creators just threw in every cliché imaginable in hopes that something would stick, from the alcoholic protagonist to his estranged family or the WWII flashbacks to battling vampires while sacrificing depth in the process.

The pacing seems to have been directed by a drunk tortoise, stuttering along at a snail's pace one moment and then wildly sprinting in another. Our motley crew of heroes fights for survival, but it's hard not to wish for just a little respite from their company.

Don't get me started on the overall acting quality; it ranges from decent to downright abysmal, like a drunken karaoke night where you're stuck with people you'd rather avoid. The characters and their relationships are about as deep as a puddle after a light rainfall, making it difficult to build empathy with any of them.

In summary, "The Strain" has some creative ideas, but its execution falls pitifully short of its potential. Trapped in its sluggish pacing and haunted by the ghosts of clichés, the show barely earns over a brief nod of acknowledgment for its special effects and vampire design. As much as it pains me, I must give "The Strain" a dismal score of 2 out of 10. That's right, kids, you're better off sinking your teeth into the creators' literary works or searching for another, less strain-inducing TV outing to sate your appetite for vampires.

So there you have it, a show that could've been a highlight in the realm of horror, now miserably lurking in the shadows of mediocrity. Trust your ol' Grumps to tell it like it is; you'll never be led astray. If you'll excuse me, I have more ghastly spectacles waiting to be critiqued! Farewell, and remember - not everything that glitters is gold, and certainly not this strain-ful attempt at modern vampire fiction.

Well, folks, strap in for another scathing review from yours truly, because I just suffered through the so-called "film" known as "Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves," released in 2023. I suppose there should have been an unspoken rule against pairing beloved franchises with half-baked Hollywood monstrosities, but here we are! Grab your popcorn and let's dissect this atrocity of a film, shall we?

Plot: The plot revolves around a group of mismatched adventurers (solely for the sake of diversity) on a quest to retrieve a stolen artifact of untold power and value. In their exploits, they encounter a rogue thief, a manipulative sorceress, and of course, a comically unintimidating villain. The film clumsily tries to weave in themes of honor, sacrifice, and teamwork but ultimately fails to deliver anything substantial. Were they attempting to cater to the board game fans or the casual viewers? Clearly, neither! It's a bastardized, pandering mess that's just sad to witness.

Performances: Now, I could excuse a subpar plot if the acting was somewhat decent, but alas! The performances are as wooden as a mimic's treasure chest. The dialogue barely crackles, and the emotional depth on display is as shallow as an goblin's washbasin. Their attempt to create camaraderie within this band of heroes was painful to watch and undoubtedly forced. I've seen more believable chemistry between a tin can and a rusty bolt!

Production Values and Special Effects: Even a low-budget B-movie should have a modicum of quality, but "Honor Among Thieves" misses that target entirely. The settings feel like they hastily crammed the entire Dungeons & Dragons universe into one incohesive backdrop, almost as if someone vomited a bucket of medieval and fantasy tropes on a soundstage. As for the special effects, I'm certain the toddler next door could do better with a box of crayons and some pipe cleaners.

This film, surprisingly enough, seemed to spark a schism between audiences at large and professional critics. We have movie-goers giving average ratings, with some proclaiming it "a disgrace to the D&D name," while inexplicably, professional critics seem to be more lenient with forgiving reviews that reek of an agenda.

In conclusion, "Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves" is an insult to fans of the franchise, cinema, and storytelling in general. The movie takes a simple premise and butchers it to the point of being unrecognizable. So, it's with barely contained disdain that I give this calamity a 2 out of 10, and I'm being generous! If you value your time, your brain cells, and your hard-earned money, I beseech you - stay far, far away from this disaster of a film.

Alright, let me sober up and give my take on "Knock at the Cabin." First off, let me just say that M. Night Shyamalan is back to his old tricks. You know, those tricks that made him famous back in the day, like making movies that are simultaneously pretentious and stupid. Well, he's done it again with "Knock at the Cabin."

The plot is your typical Shyamalan fare: a bunch of people are trapped in a cabin in the woods, and weird stuff starts happening. The twist this time around is that the weird stuff is apparently the end of the world. Yeah, you heard me right. The end of the world is happening, and these people are just stuck in a cabin while it all goes down. And if that sounds dumb to you, well, that's because it is.

The characters are all pretty forgettable. You've got your standard horror movie archetypes: the jock, the nerd, the sensitive artist, the token minority, and so on. None of them are particularly interesting, and you don't really care what happens to any of them.

The cinematography is pretty decent, I guess. There are some nice shots of the woods and the cabin, but nothing that really stands out. The special effects are pretty good too, but again, nothing that will blow you away.

Overall, I'd give "Knock at the Cabin" a solid 3 out of 10. It's not the worst horror movie I've ever seen, but it's definitely not good. If you're a Shyamalan fan, you might get some enjoyment out of it, but otherwise, I'd say skip it.

First of all, let me just say that "80 for Brady" is a load of garbage. It's a movie about four old ladies who go on a road trip to watch their hero Tom Brady play in the Super Bowl. The plot is predictable and lacks any kind of depth or complexity. The characters are one-dimensional and uninteresting, and the acting is mediocre at best.

The only saving grace of this movie is its star-studded cast, which includes Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Rita Moreno, and Sally Field. However, even their talent can't save this train wreck of a movie.

The cinematography is unremarkable, and the direction lacks any kind of flair or creativity. The film's attempts at humor fall flat, and the so-called emotional moments are contrived and forced.

In conclusion, "80 for Brady" is a complete waste of time. If you're looking for a heartwarming movie about friendship and aging, look elsewhere. I give this movie a 3 out of 10 and recommend you stay far away from it.

I'm reviewing the 2023 horror-comedy, M3GAN. As a lover of all things horror, I have to say, this film was a real treat. It's got all the classic tropes of a horror flick - a creepy doll, a mad scientist, and some good old-fashioned jump scares - but it's also got a whole lot of heart.

Firstly, let's talk about the performances. Allison Williams, who plays Gemma, the roboticist who creates M3GAN, is simply fantastic. She brings a depth and complexity to her character that I wasn't expecting from a movie like this. And then there's Violet McGraw, who plays the little girl who befriends M3GAN. She's just adorable, and her chemistry with the doll is a real highlight of the film.

But let's be honest, the real star of the show here is M3GAN herself. This doll is seriously creepy, and the special effects team did an amazing job of bringing her to life. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that there are some scenes in this movie that will stick with you for a long time.

Now, there are a few missteps in M3GAN. The pacing can be a bit slow at times, and some of the humor falls flat. But these are minor quibbles in what is otherwise a fantastic horror-comedy.

Overall, I'd give M3GAN an 8 out of 10. It's a fun, creepy, and surprisingly heartwarming movie that I would highly recommend.

Greetings, my fellow film enthusiasts. It's time to crack open a cold one and dive headfirst into the world of Magic Mike's Last Dance. Buckle up, folks, because we're in for a bumpy ride.

Let's start with the positives, shall we? The feminist edge to the story is a breath of fresh air. It's great to see female characters taking the lead in a traditionally male-dominated genre. The chemistry between Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek is undeniable, and they make for a compelling on-screen duo. The movie's opening scene is also quite the seduction, leaving viewers wanting more. It's a great way to hook in the audience.

However, this is where the praise ends. Unfortunately, Magic Mike's Last Dance is nothing but a cash grab that lacks purpose and direction. The film fails to capture the raw, seductive energy of its predecessor, leaving audiences underwhelmed. The characters are flat, and the plot is meandering, which makes it feel like the filmmakers didn't have a clear idea of where they were taking the story.

Furthermore, the movie's attempt at humor falls flat, with jokes that often feel forced or just plain cringe-worthy. It's like they were trying too hard to recapture the lightning in a bottle that was the original Magic Mike, and it just didn't work. In the end, the film feels like a cheap imitation of its former self.

In conclusion, Magic Mike's Last Dance is a disappointing sequel that fails to live up to its predecessor. While the feminist edge and chemistry between the leads are commendable, the lack of direction, flat characters, and forced humor make it a forgettable film. Save your money and watch the original instead.

"Yellowstone" is a modern western drama television series that follows the Dutton family, who own and operate the largest ranch in the United States, as they fight to defend their land and way of life against various threats, both external and internal. The show features a star-studded cast, including Kevin Costner, Kelly Reilly, and Wes Bentley, and has been praised for its stunning cinematography and intense action sequences.

However, despite these strengths, "Yellowstone" ultimately falls short in several key areas. The writing, while occasionally clever and poignant, often feels formulaic and contrived, with characters delivering stilted dialogue and plot twists that feel manufactured and unearned. The direction is similarly hit-or-miss, with some episodes featuring exciting and well-executed set pieces, while others drag on aimlessly or rely on tired genre cliches.

In terms of performances, the cast is generally solid, with Costner and Reilly in particular delivering strong and nuanced portrayals of their characters. However, some of the supporting players feel underdeveloped or miscast, detracting from the overall impact of the show.

Overall, while "Yellowstone" has its moments of brilliance, it ultimately feels like a missed opportunity to breathe new life into the western genre. With more consistent writing, direction, and performances, the show could have been a truly standout piece of television.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is the latest entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, directed by Peyton Reed and starring Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, and Michael Douglas. The movie follows the adventures of Ant-Man, who teams up with the Wasp to explore the quantum realm and stop a new villain.

The writing in Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is lackluster, with a predictable and unengaging plot that fails to capture the imagination. The direction is uninspired, with lackluster action scenes that fail to create any real sense of excitement. The performances are mostly mediocre, with the exception of Michael Pena's Luis, who injects some much-needed humor and energy into the film.

The cinematography is unremarkable, failing to create any memorable images or striking visuals. Overall, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is a forgettable entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe that fails to live up to the standard set by previous films in the franchise.

In summary, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is a dull and forgettable film that fails to deliver on almost every level. Rating: 4/10.

Just like how Star Trek Discovery awkwardly inserted its dull, preachy, soulless, and unlikable characters into the backstory of our beloved classic Star Trek legends of old - thus retroactively taking credit for everything that happened afterwards. Star Trek Picard sees fit to alter the fundamental nature of the Federation, Starfleet, and basically everything else in this world. It's turned Starfleet itself into a diverse hire paradise where every single senior officer is female. It takes established and beloved characters that we grew to know over the years or even decades and deconstructs them into obscene parodies of themselves. This show undermines the basic message of hope and optimism. Instead, it presents a bleak, hostile, greedy dystopian version of the Star Trek universe. It revels in gore, torture, violence and destruction, in a show that once had taken a higher path using rationality, understanding and diplomacy to solve problems. It does all of this, and for what, to tell a story that nobody wanted in the first place. To explore ideas that have already been handled by past better writers. To seamlessly forcing the creator's political views that none of us asked for or care about. Or was it just to squeeze the last remnants of fun enthusiasm from a franchise that pretty much has been run to the ground by people who don't know what the hell they're doing.

Star Trek Picard is just another sad example of what happens when arrogant, talentless, shameless hacks try to elevate their own mediocre work by standing on the shoulders of giants.

What can I say about this movie...terrible acting, crappy story line, terrible acting (yes it has to be said twice), special effects were fire and even that was poorly done.