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Reviews
Vampires: The Turning (2004)
Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhh!
Man oh man, this was a piece of dog sh#t. I read a few reviews on here after seeing the case in the local video store, and thought to myself........ Ah this seems like a half decent movie.Vampires.Swords. Thailand.How can you go wrong? Right? No,no,no way f*cking wrong. Jesus, if only I could gouge out my eyes and not remember this film, I would be happy. The lead actor had THE whiniest, gayest voice ever.Man!It really was bad...."Amandaaaaaaaa....","I gotta save my girlfriend...." F*ck off! My buddy and I actually changed the Audio Track on the DVD to Portugese just so we didn't have to hear the guy's voice. Subtitles and all...and this IMPROVED the film. I'm serious, if your anything like me and wondered what this film was like..STOP WONDERING. I have the answer. WORST VAMPIRE MOVIE EVER! No good action, no good gore and only the smallest smattering of nudity. Just pure sh*t for 90 Mins. Don't rent this,buy it,think about it,or watch it at 3:00am. It just doesn't cut the cake......at all....in any way. F*ck this movie and watch All Anal 7: Real Deep Cover. You'd have a better time. I'm sure.
Blade: Trinity (2004)
Garbage
Man was this movie crappy or what? I thought that it would have continued in the series vein of "Alright the last one was awesome now let's make it better!" Instead all we get is THE WORST Dracula EVER! and a flaky storyline. They cut away from "Drake", I'm not joking! During all his transformations, he's a wimp and, in fully agreeing with another comment on here, looks like a German night club bouncer. God this was crap. Do yourself a favor, watch Blade II again, even if you know the words by now, at least that way you won't feel like kicking Wesley Snipes in the face. At what point did the cast/production team look at this and say "Oh yeah this is what we were going for" ? Please......Parker Posey is the main villaness? Jesus Christ!
Jian hua yan yu jiang nan (1977)
This movie is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Summary:
I can't believe all of the unfair comments I have read posted about this film. Sure it may not be one of Chan's best but one cannot deny the good aspects of the film. A few examples:
1. Jackie Chan has long hair, and not only long hair but unbelievably long sideburns. These sideburns let me tell ya, there so good right, they don't even grow from his face as much as they are extensions of his hair. Awesome.
2. There's a guy, a ghost or specter, I can't tell, and he comes from nowhere during the first 10 Min's. of the film and screams at Chan and his family to "return my hand, return my hand" in full scary movie voice, and Chan throws the hand to the guy. He laughs maniacally and then runs/disappears in a series of laughably bad cuts. Classic.
3. Shortly after that we are introduced to the main villain's/teacher and her gang of weirdo, all girl, henchmen.Get this "THE DREADED KILLER BEE GANG!" who apparently were disgraced by Chan's father. Now this gang of Killer Bees or whatever, they all have these weird flower masks as well as Chinese lanterns on poles. WHY? I don't know either. Anyway, the main villain's and two other Killer Bees shoot out of these caskets like jack in the boxes, laugh maniacally and proceed to massacre Chan's entire family. Obviously sending Chan into a full on hate-fest for the Killer Bees. But he's out of luck to do anything as he gets his rear handed to him by the girl.And folks this all takes place before we hit the 30 min. mark.
4. After Chan gets knocked out over he's laying in a bed, seemingly pretty comfortable, until 3 Chinese/Mogonlian/Mexican henchmen decide to float up in THROUGH the window to attack poor sleepy Chan. Guy can't catch a break! Anyway, he easily dispatches the gang killing one of them by kicking him through the window, in full bad reverse, too bad we didn't have more than $13.94 for a SFX budget, motion. Just a barrel of laughs, man I'm telling ya.
5. All I'm gonna say for this one is the main bad guy is posing as three different people. Chan's best friend Chu Chuk, The Governor, and the main bad guy, and they all look the same, same actor same duds, but none of the stupid cast figures it out. At one point before handing these two guys butts to them, he says: "So you now know that I am Chu Chuk as well as the Governor, but I'm also a THIRD person. Who do you think?" and the two guys just look dumbfounded, as would I if I heard such a laughably bad line. "Who do you think?" HAHAHAHA that is the best man, and the way he delivers it, classic.
Listen, if you truly like Kung Fu films, and I don't mean HALF PAST DEAD, or CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE or any of those crappy Hollywood films, I mean old school Kung Fu 1977 style, pick up this movie. It cost me $3.99 at Wal-Mart and it was ten times funnier than I expected, and if your into these old movies your looking for funny.
Just sit back relax, smoke a joint, and get ready to bask in the overwhelmingly bad, funny and weird To Kill With Intrigue.
At one point Chan actually has half his face burned off, you can't beat that.