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Reviews
Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast (2011)
Ugh!
I adore B-grade shark movies, but this doesn't even come close to qualifying as B-grade. While not the absolute worst shark movie I have ever seen (that distinction goes to House Shark), it was pretty close.
The film's speed was off - more 'daytime soap' than 'movie', the dialogue was dreadful, and the lead actor's acting was atrocious. Surprisingly, and the acting of some of the support actors was actually passable.
After the first two minutes it was pretty easy to guess... I bet this is one of those where the writer, director, producer, and 'star' are all the same person. Yup. And half the cast are family. The rest are probably friends, girlfriends, or old college roommates.
Making this movie was probably a fun way for a bored group of family and friends to fill in some time, but the same certainly can't be said for watching it. If you really need something to fill in your time, try banging your head against a wall - it will probably be less painful than watching this.
Dark Parasite (2023)
Any slower and it would be going backwards
The acting and CGI were actually fairly good, but storyline was mediocre at best, and the script left a lot to be desired. Someone obviously forgot to tell the writer they were supposed to be writing a sci-fi horror, not a drama.
As for the pace... molasses run down the walls in the dead of an Alaskan winter would be faster, and probably more interesting.
If you like your horror creepy, and your sci-fi to have some action, then this is definitely not the movie for you. Find something else, or throw a jar of molasses at the wall and settle down for the night with a bowl of popcorn. Either way, chances are pretty good it will be more interesting.
Risen (2021)
Cerebral
This is the fifth movie I have watched that Prime describes as "cerebral" and I have finally figured out what that means - long, slow, and boring.
Long scenes of people just sitting silently waiting, long scenes of people standing silently looking at something, long and excruciatingly slow panning shots of something people are looking at, long scenes of people talking but not actually saying much just lots of long awkward pauses, and long scenes of someone driving, either silently or with a supporting character chattering incessantly about stuff that has nothing to do with the story.
The lead character is always morose and depressed and either an alcoholic or a drug addict, with flashbacks to childhood trauma or abuse, the reason they are depressed, all of which, again, has nothing to do with the actual story.
It is like someone had an idea for a movie but didn't know how to flesh it out, so they took a 20 minute story line and stretched it out to 1½ to 2 hrs with lots of nothing. Movie makers may want rethink the formula.
It really is a pity, because the basic storyline of this particular movie was interesting (whis why I gave it a few stars), and it had the potential to be a very good movie. I kept hoping it would pick up and become worth the time I had already wasted on it. Sadly, it didn't, and ended up being a painful, boring, waste of time.