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Reviews
Troy (2004)
Greeks ? Greeks ? Spartans ? Where are you ????
Oh lord, you mean to tell me these are Spartans ? or Greeks even ? I doubt at all that Brad Pitt knows anything about acting as a Spartan would. Apparently, if you're Spartan, you have long, clean blond hair and are starring in the most homo-erotic movie of the century. This seems to be a problem for most people to swallow, considering that people call Pitt a man's-man or the dashing lady killer. I don't think it crossed his mind that the skimpy little outfits he and the "other Spartans" were wearing added to the effect. Or, in ancient Greece, the concept of homosexuality at least was not defined, although men did have relations with younger boys just before the onset of puberty.
This seems to be the only thing good about this movie, considering that everything else is a haughty kill fest with no tension other than the occasional stretching and recoiling of men's bikini briefs by fellow Spartans. Mostly, the grunty, yet pretty soldiers here are getting their rocks off by running around in feathered helmets and doing little tricks in their chariots while Achilles prances in the air with that same kill move he uses in the film repeatedly. He's always oily and sweaty, and fine . . . he sleeps with the one woman, but you know what ??? Spartans and the rest of the people in Greece did the same while having sex with younger boys ! Go figure ! If you've read up on your history, Troy is a little out of context considering that Spartans found anything except war and fighting to be frivolous. They didn't even season what they ate let alone their sexual endeavors.
If you've never read up on Greek or Spartan history this movie is quite entertaining for those who failed high school social studies/history. But I must admit, even if you're a history buff, you'll have fun pointing out the little homosexual innuendos present in Troy.
I wouldn't recommend not watching this movie because there is no intended plot other than to "recreate ?" a particular part of history, and transpose it into something unbelievable, modern and devoid of mystery. You know what's going to happen at every turn !!! despite what you see ! I'd rent "9 Inches To Heaven" before watching this again, and I hate porno.
Robot Jox (1989)
Good. Lord.
They're called Robot Jox ? why ? why would you name a movie Robot Jox ? I understand the connection with JOX and JOCKS (possibly) but what's even worse is that the movie centers around maybe two or three people who control these mechanized warrior-bots in order to keep Alaska an American state ? who the hell thought of this ? OK, OK, it's post WWIII and war has been outlawed, but come on ! ALASKA ???? Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of good things about Alaska...but don't you think that California, or New York might have been a better state to fight for ? Either that, or the winner of the ROBOT BATTLES could have won control over the totality of the North-American Continent ? This movie seems to have premiered at a bad time, especially when America was becoming sick of Robotech and Voltron in the 1980s. Maybe that's why the studio went bankrupt on it. . .
I honestly think this movie could trigger a bi-polar disorder in anyone who decides to watch it. Although the special effects were limited at the time the movie was made, it doesn't make up for how insignificant they make the situations and the characters seem. There is literally nothing to stimulate the viewer whatsoever in this film and I think that carries on into the emotions of the audience greatly. . .meaning that movies like this are usually on in the background when someone commits suicide in their house. . .in front of the TV. Whether or not the movie causes people to to put an end to their existence is not proved, but it appears to be highly suspect.
I swear, the movie is devoid of stimuli. . .I sincerely hope someone edits out all the robot battles and replaces them with muted scenes of angry rottweilers.
I've actually heard that the movie itself in VHS/DVD format smells like festering haunches. . .really ! It may be the only film EVER in physical form to give off an odor similar to stew meat. That's the real Sci-Fi feel of this movie, not that it has stimulating content, but rather, it has a stench of unknown origin that may baffle even the most modern scientist.
If you've seen this film within the last three years, I'm guessing you're still scraping the the pizza rolls out of your favorite tank-top.
Lay off the pizza rolls, lay off the movie.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Another Birthday Party for Spielberg
Poor Steven S.
It seems like the famed auteur has celebrated another Birthday Party with this one. I'm starting to think that with films like this, he's literally buying himself yet another birthday cake, with a ton of presents to follow that has he has wrapped himself and then opened to some sort of faux surprise and astonishment. His films are becoming little gifts to himself . . .It's sad to see him put his name on every film despite whether he's a co-producer, or executive producer for specific films. The sad part is that auteurism plays a big part in his career whether or not he's accredited with the writing/directing of his films. How many people can honestly say that they know half of the people who have written films like the War Of The Worlds remake ? Hmmm? If you understand Auteurism, it means that producers like Steven S. literally sign their names to specific films despite whether or not they really have any real personal entanglement in the movies.
War Of The Worlds is no different, but it is scary to note that Steven S. didn't seem to watch out for this one as far as the film's story unfolded. Aside from the horrible fact that there was an attempt to modernize and retool a classic film, (and more importantly, a classic novel. . .)Spielberg didn't seem attentive to the fact that there was a considerably awkward ending to this film, not to mention stale characters, plot holes and recycled audio-visual/stylistic effects. How can a person who supposedly is such a figure of cinematic merit can sign their names to films like War Of The Worlds. We all know there's money in it, of course, but honestly, most people in a middle-class society,usually read the small print before signing their names to anything. . .which is funny because it doesn't seem to occur to Steve S. who makes an untold fortune on people who are satiated by films that simply use high-tech visual effects.
As far as the movie is concerned, Cruise and the rest of the characters are either wooden or uncompromisingly static and uninspiring. Cruise plays a character who represents most of his all-time functional roles. He never shows the least bit of actual human character, and his actions, expressions, etc. seem brutally forced and egotistically improvisational. As far as most of the others are concerned, the actors seem to roll all their emotions into one, never showing the least bit of deviation in realistic tones, facial expressions, actions, etc. Even in scenes/moments of peril, the actors don't seem to follow through on any inkling that these people are actually running scared of aliens! Due to this, they never maintain a real sense of tension even considering that there are people running around and screaming.
It almost seems analogous to baboons running around screaming because of a rumor of some banana shortages in the jungle. It almost seems as if the characters are too linear and have no real reservations about what's happening in the movie.
Not only that, but the high-tech visuals don't do any better. High-speed action and state of the art CG doesn't necessarily create a sense of conflict, tension and active obstruction.
Not only this, but the film seems like a re-creation of Independence Day without the true feeling that this conflict is affecting the rest of the world. Even the Aliens that are present in War Of The Worlds physically resemble the ones in Independence Day. The chance to actually make a remake (although not recommended) was horribly executed on behalf of the managing departments working on this film. The chance to show a remote sense of creativity in this film was lost on the fact that we understand extra-terrestrials to be these figures that are almost amphibious/reptilian in many ways, and are more creature-like than we are. It might have been better off not understanding what these supposed creatures looked like, because what would it matter anymore in a history of American cinema filled with aliens hell-bent on unattributed destruction ?
The original movie was at least funny considering that it was a film realistically taken out of perspective, rather than someone trying to make something so improbable come to life with the highest standard in special effects. . .which was done in the remake.
Also, for those who never read the book, you would have never guessed that the aliens died of an unknown germ, disease, bacteria etc. if it weren't for Morgan Freeman summing-it-up just before the credits. So in turn, It's a really bad execution of disparate or even legible continuity.
Until Americans get over the fact that they're not getting their money's worth if they don't see the best visual effects, movies like this will continue to foster millions/billions of dollars. Seriously, don't you think producers would rather pay cheaper prices for scenes of (what they call) "tension" and "conflict" through CG rather than actually pay their writers more money ? Either or, they could have saved money and done without the cost of trite visual effects.
I'd say, all-in-all, this film is like listening to Heroin Music.
Samouraïs (2002)
Confused Writers/Directors=Confused Viewer
I didn't know until now that countries like Spain and, or France were capable of making things like Samourais. I understand America's obsessive impulse to rent movies that are hilariously terrible, but I didn't know that Europeans are answering our demands. I'm not saying all foreign films are great, but for the larger majority of what we absorb in foreign cinema, American audiences usually get the upper rung.
However, Samourais seems to be the product of a massive delusion on the part of the director, writer, etc. I don't know how money gets spent on things like this. If movies are meant to incur a profit, Samourais' net gain must have earned the director a sandwich.
If I wanted to see a film that included scenes with insipid lackeys working at a video store,transmute into what's supposed to be ancient warriors/demons coming back from the past to battle, I. . .well, to tell you the truth, I don't know why I would ever watch something like this. I find that actually reading about Japanese mythology or renting Kurosawa films much more enterprising. Why spend money on something with clunky cumbersome dialog as it is? Especially considering that the dubbed features only convey that the French/Spanish dialog is bad in itself ! The worst is the action sequences- Historically, most martial arts films puts characters into the perspective that they are warriors fighting against impossible odds, however, this film mutates that concept horribly. The fighting sequences are just as awkward and clunky as the dialog, and they lack the fluid execution and limits that most martial arts movies are actually implicative of. This movie seems like it was made by someone who failed a course in metaphysics in college.
The only thing good about this movie is the repulsive french rap during the credits.
The Covenant (2006)
The last hope for Hollywood was annihilated based on this very movie
First off, anyone who can even say they liked this, here's something you desperately need: http://www.film site.org/filmh.html . . .This is a site dedicated to the history of cinema by way of web-links. Read it, know it . . .or do one better and go out and read books about film for yourself.
First off, there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING ! cohesive about this plot. "They have the power to do whatever they want? " Don't you think that this concept alone is preposterous ? Even second-guessing that anyone with such an impact would be a god, or a series of gods is a void concept when trying to concentrate it within the average running time. It would take a countless barrage of production hours and funding to create characters such as these and transfix them into a believable story. The concept here seems to be horribly executed by the writer(s) on behalf of the fact that he/she/they have no real emotional attachment to the movie other than to incur the larger profit.
Even so, the movie is more morally bankrupt in its attempt to swoon bored, sub-urban, pop-cultured youth . . .considering that the idiomatic concept of "work" is to get paid for completing something exemplary.
My favorite is the characters though. . . Despite them being immortal, and being anywhere from 300-400 years old, you think characters like these would learn something ? No, apparently, if you're four-hundred years old and have the power to do anything you want, you still use it for the proper misogyny, materialism, and debauchery. Also, you're increasingly beautiful and still going to high school.
With living through 400 years(or more)of wars, pestilence, depressions, political amendments and social injustices, these people are still like those assholes who would have pushed around anyone devoid of their interest patterns ? This is truly asinine. Normally, if you were immortal, I think a low profile would be in your best interest, considering that medical/government science would subjugate you to living under a scalpel for the rest of your life.
To try to wind a story around this is implausible even for a sci-fi action film. The idea that this would not have an universal effect on everyone/everything except for these immortals/people in a small, little town is utterly unforgivable. The characters also display no real sense of cohesiveness to the plot or their actions in the film. If they are battling for each other's power, where does the final scope of intent occur ? Tell me ! because considering that they already have the power to do whatever they want, does it mean they have more of an opportunity to what they've already been able to? This doesn't check-out.
The CG is laughable. . .not only do the characters appear unrealistic, the fact that they can throw poorly generated energy beams/balls and reassemble cars in mid-air with soft polygon animation almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. The reason for any of this being able to happen in the movie is not even a cause for theoretical or hypothetical questioning.
Even if you were to surmise that absolute power does corrupt, it took four-hundred years for this to happen ? Somewhere down the line, none of these people tried anything funny ? I don't understand why this is a movie, for me, it's analogous to watching an hour or more's worth of unstable implications and a conflict that is wholly uninspiring and nonexistent. To have two, or even a handful of people battling as immortals is not profound if no one sees it. It seems like this is an adolescent attempt to develop some type of cinematic mysticism that turns out flaky and misrepresented. . .which has even escaped a good number of actual Hollywood movies these days.
I think a story based on someone creating a time-machine to deliver every DVD copy of "The Covenant" to the Nazi book-burnings is a more believable plot and a better turn of historical events. That is, because this movie would hopefully be burned rather than priceless literature.
Also, how (on today's market) do you pay $10-$12 or as high as $25 (including movie snacks) to watch things like this ? Even as a fiscal choice it makes little sense.
I don't know about everyone else, but I felt like I had eaten a tub of mayonnaise after I had seen this. . .and I hate mayonnaise.
The Smokers (2000)
The thing about this film is that it's all wonky
This movie seems to have been made by a ditsy film school dropout who was only interested in boys who would have sex with her, then not call back in the next couple of days. . .or for that matter, ever again. This seems like a poor execution of some menial form of self-expression privy to the writer's poor history with the opposite sex.
The characters take some ill-conceived, costumed rape journey into the battle for "who really is the predominant sex ?" Basically, it seems as if the writer read the first few lines of "Women are from Venus, men are from Mars" and was inspired therein. I cannot stress enough that it would have been better to create a documentary on the Amazons, or make a movie about the fabled female warriors, or the mythological Lilith to inspire true feelings of female power over male obstruction in the past/present.
The characters in this are as equally bad as the plot. There is really no sense of conflict here considering that there isn't any attempt at it. The characters seem to lead themselves aimlessly into a situation that has no real stimuli. This movie seems to operate on a 1+1 = 0, equation.
All-in-all, this movie was so terrible that my mustache burst into flames.
Thanks, Smokers
Alexander (2004)
A merciless tidal wave of human and non-human excrement
Oliver Stone.
Why did he do this movie ? I know why . . .This is probably his first decision to venture into comedy. I laughed and laughed and laughed . . .infact, I'm still laughing as we speak. Honestly, it's horrible. Since I've seen this movie, I've been diagnosed with some laughing disease unknown to the most modern of scientists. I can't stop laughing, my family has broken down because I am constantly laughing and I cannot stop. All of it is attributed to this film . . .it has ruined my social life, not to mention any intimacy I've had with my significant other(s) My doctors tell me that the only reason for triggering this effect in me is that Alexander must have been so unbelievably contrived and unrealistic (in nature) that it caused an acute mental breakdown. The medical team I've been seeing says that this isn't even a 'conditional' illness on the behalf of my psyche. . .meaning that anyone is susceptible to my symptoms from having watched this movie.
Medical Science has attributed my disease to the fact that Alexander (as a movie) tries to evoke false feelings of euphoria among the audience with repulsive visual metaphors and juxtaposition. Also, my doctors have theorized that the presence of the inane dialog among Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell is also a factor.
There is hope though, I'm on a strict medication of much better films but I am making progress. . . so I'm told.
Bring It On: All or Nothing (2006)
Where's the dialog ?
Seriously, I couldn't find anything that constituted a rational human thought in this movie. For some reason, the writer decided to have a bunch of actors in random places grunting, groveling and yelling like Cro-Magnon bipeds. I understand that this was about gymnastics, but seriously, what's with all the roaring and human bleating ? I also saw at least five actors with overactive terrets syndrome and stage 10 syphilis.
Although this movie has actual human acrobatics, I must say it is surprising that you can make a movie like this without having any intelligible form of human speech patterns. This is truly a milestone in the history of film-making because there was no conscious decision to make the characters express anything more than a timely Urrrrr ! or Rfff ! sound.
Incredible.
Deep Evil (2004)
Alright, Alright . . .
The movie is called "Deep Evil . . ."Deep-Evil." (*Snorts with laughter*) Great . . .just great. I'm in hell, this is hell right? Yep. I think I'm in hell.How do you name a movie Deep Evil ? is this a more provocative evil ? a more sensual and richer type of evil ? I'm really interested . . .Haha! I sincerely hope that this did not reach the overseas market, because if it has,our diplomatic relations with other countries is justifiably moot. I think this movie would be better off being tweaked to include all of Jeff Goldblum's scenes from Jurrasic Park, I really do . . .or at least they should have stolen stock reels from the movie "The Abyss" HaHaHa . . .Someone call the fire department this one's out of control !
Boiler Room (2000)
Ugh ! . . God !
This is a movie for rambunctious guys with a horrible case of football-neck and are too drunk to discern between palatable and utterly vomitous cinema.
This movie is an indicator that no one, in any shape or form should be paying Ben Affleck for anything he does.. . .not to mention Vin Diesel. Giovanni Ribisi should have been replaced by a potted plant rather than tarnish his acumen as an actor.
Despite the plot of the movie, there is no real essence of tension, conflict, or actual-isms. It doesn't take a stock-broker to understand that this would have been better-off as a documentary and not some excuse to swoon a more modern pop-culture that is obsessed with image and every aspect of major profit.
My Cat walked out of the room after watching a couple of minutes of this movie, in which he looked at the screen and at me continuously before he pressed the off button on my remote.
If an animal knows it's a bad movie, I'd imagine that's all you need to know.
Well . . .and that watching Boiler Room is like drinking a cold mug of morning coffee.
Three (2005)
I'm actually in the middle of watching this !
This might be worse than "I got five on it" I don't know who is responsible for this movie but this is a waste of money. I would seriously consider this film an abomination to society at large. The worst part about this film is that as it progresses, the characters become much more intolerably unbelievable than they already are. Billy Zane must be vomiting in his $12,000 toilet right now for having to agreed to "star" in this film. Dreadfully, near towards the climax the characters are insipidly juxtaposed into what appears to be a "civilized state" and then into poor excuses for ravenous tribal warriors or voodoo priestesses.
One of the scenes where the female is talking to the man-servant is terribly executed on behalf of the fact that you can see her shawl appear and disappear on her body several times . . .and this is during a shot-reverse-shot !!!! I would also like to add that the director and the writer are so culturally and socially inept . . .Seriously, to include a pentagram in the middle of the beach where two people are having sex is not only cliché' but it makes no sense. . .there is nothing to determine that what they're doing is considered satanic, or that the random flashes of these images are risqué ! Also, in tandem with this, these images are hastily thrown together at the last minute with random stock footage of a belly-dancing voodoo . . .girl ? who? wha? The ending , or lord the ending ! It obliterates the most base and simple of minds ! It finally concludes with the girl sailing away on a boat with random natives after waking up from what all (in reality ?) was supposed to be a dream . . .how long are people going to milk this effect ? For fuck's sake, have a meteor kill everyone on earth as the last scene before doing this ! It seems like the director was trying to impose his own facial likeness in the film by saying, "It was all a dream ! . . .or was it ?! after, making a squinty facial expression with his chin turning deftly to the right or left. She then sees her bo (Zane) and then decides not to tell the boat natives her hubby is in the middle of the water. . .despite knowing whether or not she knew the whole thing was a dream or not! Which is basically tantamount to tertiary murder charges.
The only other thing about this movie that may give it any credit whatsoever is the fact that this may have been a larf film where Zane got together with a bunch of college buddies and made this atrocious. . . .movie ? can I call it a movie ? Or that this was made to satiate the common broseph/bro.
All-in-all, watching this move is comparable to spending a day at the laundromat with the most annoying kid you knew in high school.