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nashirongay
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Evolution (2001)
Uneasy balance
Campy. But in a 90s way. Not intentionally so, but the stink of the 90s all over it.
We looked it up. After 9/11? Uncomfortably close.
Duchovny is not mulder, but he is. Plot doesn't matter.
Creature movies are good. Scifi movies, where the scary thing is an oversimplification of one reasonably interesting scientific concept, are good. What if the monster kept evolving? Became a microcosm of evolutionary process. That movie needed to be made. It probably already had been.
Is it a comedy? Well, yes. It is comedic. But it's like some characters are in a different movie than others. Like a slapstick and a procedural, side by side.
Uneasy balance. The mood shifts.
Essentially a demo reel for what range of bio monsters you could make with CGI in the early aughts. Looks like a video game, now.
This movie tries some weird things, at least.
It's pretty dumb, though.
The Hunger (1983)
not just like, a two hour music video, but
My buddy came over the other night and we watched like a real movie, but then it was late and the busses had stopped running and we had to find something to do until like 5am when they started running again. So he found this movie and was like "Hey lets watch this s--t" and I was all, "Ok, but it's pretty much just like a two hour music video," which is how I remembered it being, and then we watched it and I totally stand by that evaluation. Also, the last time I watched this movie I had to turn it off because the person I watched it with had a seeing-blood-thing, and oh man do you see some blood in this movie. Jesus. Also you have to look at David Bowie in old man makeup for way too long.
And not just like, a two hour music video, but a two hour *early eighties* music video. Like, you know those music videos where it just feels like it's a fashion shoot, but instead of taking pictures they just film some woman in an empty room wearing something weird with like sheets blowing in the background? Like that. But like a movie. Also monkeys screaming over and over and over.
Malizia (1973)
Protagonist Tween is Horny Psychopath
Well I watched another f----d up horny movie. This one is called Malicious and it's an Italian movie from 1973.
It starts out at this lady's funeral. Her name sounds like that kind of pizza.... Nevermind. Anyway, she dies and leaves behind a husband and three kids. All sons. They get this lady to become the caretaker. Like, a young lady. First, the Caretaker Lady's job seems to involve a lot of checking to see if the youngest kid has wet the bed in the middle of the night. I figured at this point that I was watching a depressing move, which was funny because I'd found it by googling "best 70s Italian sex comedies". But then it gets horny. And weird.
The bit of this movie is that the widower, the teenage son, and the just-barely-hit-puberty son are all horny for Caretaker Lady. Bawdy, right? No. It's f----d up and weird, and not by accident. That's what this movie is going for.
See, the Widower--who has a big sad picture of his dead wife on the wall of his bedroom, by the way--gets horny for Caretaker Lady. Obviously just like perving out watching her while she does her chores, stuff like that. But when he sees Teenage Son perving out on her, doing the same s--t, he's all mad.
Now folks, Teenage Son is a freaking idiot. And a pushy creep. And he keeps failing miserably at getting horny with Caretaker Lady and making a fool of himself in the process. But not our protagonist, the Barely Pubescent Tween. No, Protagonist Tween is a f----g stone cold psychopath, and a f----d up horny one. He starts playing these sexually charged games with Caretaker lady, pushing the envelope to see what she'll do. Or what she's willing to put up with. I mean, its a differently angled version of what The Widower is doing anyway, getting Caretaker Lady to participate in the male gaze with him, even though he's her employer. She's definitely aware and participating in that, but who knows how she's compartmentalizing that extremely healthy power dynamic in her head.
Of course, this movie's bit is that the Tween Protag is doing his dad's game, but better. He makes his nanny do so much f----d up adolescent sex fantasy s--t, you guys.
How do you think they end it? Think this movie is a bawdy light hearted sex comedy still? Think everyone will go their separate ways after learning an important life lesson? Think you'll walk away from this movie feeling assured that The Caretaker Lady's inner motivation wasn't written by a classic old school male chauvinist?
I watched this movie in the original Italian--I don't speak Italian, by the way--with burned in subtitles of a second language that I can neither speak nor identify. On YouTube.
Novecento (1976)
Great and awesome
OK first of all this movie is like three f###ing hours long.
I've read stuff on the internet, and I know that there are different cuts of this movie and some are longer and some are shorter. But just know that this movie is like three f###ing hours long. That's like, almost more like a mini-series. Which, cool, or whatever, but just, like know that that's what you're f###ing committing to.
Pretty much right away this movie reveals to you that it's going to be one of those edgy Italian movies that is gonna show you some f###ed up s##t but then be serious enough that you feel like it's a means of artistic expression, and not, you know, spectacle. Right away there's a scene with kids making fun of some woman giving birth. Whatever. It's a costume drama, you're trying to tell me that things used to be grittier and more real and s##t. Cool, I get it.
But then there's like, a kid that lays under a train, and you can tell from the shot that they really got someone to lay under a train. Great, awesome. And then these kids show each other their dicks, and suddenly you're watching a movie where kids are showing each other their dicks. Great. Awesome. Thank you so much, movie. Why did I torrent this again?
There are boobs, eventually.
So it's this long drawn out thing. It's two dudes, and one is a peasant and one is an aristocrat, and it's their biography, with the politics and class struggle of Italy writ large as the backdrop to their relationship over the course of like five decades. That's pretty cool. This movie also likes to show lots of old people with weathered faces and dying animals and meat. Again, great and awesome. And also there's this scene where some old man massages a horse's b###hole and you watch the poop coming out of it's butt. But, I mean you're the one who wanted to watch a f###ing 70s Italian movie, I'm not sure what you were expecting.
I saw online someone said that this was like the Gone With the Wind of Italy.
Ebony Ivory & Jade (1976)
A slog
I can't believe I made eye contact with someone in the process of renting this movie. Renting this movie is a f###ing shameless act.
It starts out strong. Charmingly low budget. Slow motion of women running. Bad acting in weird settings. But my God this movie is boring. There are some sweet fight scenes, but it is a real slog between them.
A huge section of this movie is shot using the "technology" of filming in the daytime and then making the colors muddy and awful to simulate the scene being at night. It sucks.