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Reviews
Gunpowder Milkshake (2021)
Riverdale and John Wick's Horrifying Franken-Baby
This movie is everything that is wrong with Hollywood right now. It has all of my pet peeves about movies. It is style over substance and performative activism at its finest. It feels like the Franken-baby of John Wick and Riverdale. Let me break down my biggest issues with this film. Spoilers below
1. The feminism- My problem here isn't that the film is feminist, it is that it thinks its audience is so stupid that it needs to club us over the head with it. All of the good guys are girls and all of the bad guys are men. I think the best example of the heavy-handedness of this is the villains motive. Throughout the movie we know he's mad because the main character, Sam, killed his son. This is already an understandable villain motive. It doesn't need any more context really. But the movie adds the context that the villain feels like an alien among his wife and daughters and his son was the only one he could relate to because of their shared manliness. So now the villain is sexist, but it's just shoe-horned in. It's not built up at all, he just goes on a sexist rant about his annoying wife and daughters randomly.
2. Hide your gays trope- Now I could be off-base on this one, but I think they were hinting at a romance between two of the library women. However, we don't see it in screen. If this was an implied romance it definitely falls under the same criticism that J. K Rowling and other writers have received for having gay characters but being too afraid to actually show their love. If you want to have gay characters don't cloak it in this mystery like it's a dirty little secret.
3. The costuming- Ok, I'm being a bit petty with this one, but there is a large amount of screen time where Sam wheres this huge hat and a trench coat with a popped collar. It's so cartoonish. It looks like something Mary Kate and Ashley would've worn on their mystery series. On this vein is also the fact that she never puts her wisps into her ponytail and the bowling jacket. Of course female action hero has to make impractical decisions just to look cute.
4. Acting- I hate to say this. It genuinely hurts me. I'm a huge Dr. Who fan. But Karen Gillan just isn't pulling it off for me. She comes across kind of flat. She's trying to go for the quiet intensity of John Wick (I can't stress enough how much this movie "borrows" from him), but it just doesn't work for me.
5. The writing- So my main issue is the writing. This movie is so badly written. It makes no sense. So much conflict takes place off screen and then is just explained (Sam's father dying, Sam's mom getting revenge on her father's killer). I could go through this movie beat by beat and explain why every single plot point does not make sense. The very first scenes of the film set up that the mom has to go on the run because she has killed the man who killed Sam's father and now there are people coming after her. But, she kills the man's son and all his henchmen in the diner at the start. So whose coming after her now? They also set up that you can't have weapons in the diner, similar to the continental in John Wick. In this movie though it is just so clear that this isn't enforced at all. Right at the start the diner girl asks a guy to surrender his weapons and he just pushes her aside and goes in anyway. So why does anyone hand their guns over? Conflicts also just resolve themselves. Like, the robbers all just kill each other conveniently. When she kills the little girl's dad she shoots him for reaching for his phone but then just lets him answer it? Everyone just forgives each other for conflicts in seconds. She forgives her mom, the library women forgive her mom, the little girl forgives her, and there's barely any struggle to get there. The assassin league that's set up to be so dangerous and powerful is taken down by Sam simply threatening Victor who has many times made it clear he has no power in the organization. It just... it makes no sense.
6. Action- I'll end here. I have more points but this is already too long. The action sucks. Bad guys attack one at a time or stupidly split up. People shoot point blank and miss the protagonists constantly. Things like metal trays block bullets. The hospital fight scene require such a suspension of disbelief you have to believe the movie is taking place in a parallel dimension where magic exists. In lots of the fight scenes you can count the beats. It's a mess.
To conclude, this movie is terrible. Please Netflix, I'm begging you, there are so many talented writers and directors out there clamoring for a shot. You have the power to make GOOD movies, so use it.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)
Just wholesome, comfortable family fun
Overall this movie is very fun, but there are a lot of below the belt gender jokes that I wasn't too fond of. What video game character has to pee? It also doesn't have the heart of the original. The video game twist was a fun idea on how to make it more modern, but lots of people still play board games. Also, they figured out the premise really fast. The game flops back and fourth between the characters acting like their real world selves and having the abilities of their video game selves whenever it is convenient for the plot or comedy. Even though it felt a bit predictable to me and Karen Gillan seemed really uncomfortable in her costume I did still enjoy watching The Rock run around in the jungle.
Are You Here (2013)
Fails to be funny, serious, or moving in any way
So much of this movie was horrendous. Owen Wilson's character Steve, our protagonist, is an unlikeable peeping-tom whose cliche playboy persona is so tired I almost fell asleep every time he was on screen. His character arc is meant to be about him growing up and learning responsibility. But, these changes are only motivated by the desire to have sex with his best friend's step-mom, Angela. His subsequent tantrum that she sleeps with his friend and not him reminded me of a child screaming "that's MY toy!" on the playground. Steve is certainly no Don Draper.
Amy Poehler's character is portrayed as a total stick in the mud, even though her dad's just died and she's going through hormone treatments and her behaviours were pretty understandable. Who wouldn't be mad that their step-mom showed up to their father's funeral in a see-through dress? Who wouldn't be pissed that their dad left their sibling WAY more money and assets in the will? Who in their right mind would want their brother's high as the stratosphere, dead-beat friend interjecting in private discussions about her father's will? Suuuuuch a buzzkill.
The real treat of this movie though is Angela, the aforementioned step-mother. She is meant to be seen as this earthy, loving woman who heals the men around her. But she only seems to do this with sex. And baking pies. Maybe Matthew Weiner should stick to directing shows about the 60s cause that time is a lot more in tune with his views on women. Owen Wilson yells at her toward the end of the movie that she has no responsibilities and just gets everything she wants because she's hot. This line is meant to be taken as super mean and uncalled for-but it's true. Maybe I'm a prude, but banging your step-son SHOULD be frowned upon.
More than that, the idea that having sex with his stepmom would help Ben's mental-health is absurd. And, the suggestion that once you start to take medication you can instantly get better and change your whole outlook and lifestyle is ridiculous.
And, in almost every scene something weird and unrealistic happened that pulled me out of the story. Examples: A prostitute calls and leaves a voicemail to confirm an appointment just like the dentist. Owen Wilson, a 50 year old man gets caught spying on his 20 something neighbour changing and she smiles and waves at him instead of calling the cops on this perv. Ben bites a child's cookie and the mother isn't weirded out.
This movie failed to make me care about a single character, failed to make me laugh a single time, failed to adequately use Jenna Fischer, and failed to leave any kind of impact other than disappointment.
Jurassic World (2015)
An easy way to make a buck off of people (like me) who love dinosaurs so much they'll watch no matter what
The creative geniuses over at Hollywood have concocted yet another sequel to unnecessarily reprise a series. Jurasic World is full of cliches and scenes stolen straight from the original. Bryce is your stereotypical privileged city-girl who thinks she knows best because she is in a high powered career. But, at the end of the day she's just a woman and needs Pratt, the equally stereotypical, brawny, cowboy to swoop in and save her with his wilderness skills and masculineness. The brothers that are lost in the park are so generic I can't remember what they look like or anything that they did throughout the whole thing- and I just watched it. The main villain is a genetically altered dinosaur that's supposed to be new and exciting to tourists- but it pretty much just looks like a bigger T-Rex. It has a hodge-podge of powers like camouflage and heat detection, which it rarely uses and has super intelligence. Sure, its a hybrid of many types of dinosaurs but none of the dinosaurs that it was created from would be intelligent enough to create a sophisticated ruse in order to escape or know what a tracking device is. Then, it goes on a sadistic killing-spree for absolutely no reason except plot. Animals don't do this! Not even the really smart ones! Another thing that doesn't make sense: despite super dino roaming the island, determined to exterminate all life Bryce still refuses to evacuate because it may lose money for the park. This just makes her character feel false. She wouldn't be this cold, no way.
All that being said, watching dinosaurs run around is just fun. No matter how senseless and forced the plot is dinosaurs are awesome and seeing them on screen will always be entertaining. I love dinosaurs so much I'll give it a whole 4 stars.
Final Girl (2015)
For badly implied reasons a little girl is adopted by an assassin and trained to kill four murderers
SPOILERS This film left me with a lot of questions and I've come to realize that the answer to every single one of them is "because it is a dumb and senseless movie." Here are a few for you to sample: How did these murderers who are in high school kill William's wife and daughter over ten years ago? Did they kill them when they were 6 years old? Why doesn't William just kill them himself or turn them into the police? Why are they waiting ten years to train this little girl while other women are being murdered when they already know who the killers are and could stop them? Why does Veronica have a crush on William? He adopted her when she was a little girl and is basically her father. Isn't this messed up? Why does William tickle her? That was so weird! Why do they choke out that random guy at the bar? Why can't she just shoot them? If a gun without bullets is a paperweight why can't she just take more bullets? Why isn't she allowed to wear shoes? If she's going to drug them why can't she just poison them? What woman in their right mind would wear formal attire and drive into the woods with four men they just met? Why does it take her so long to kill these bozos when she's been training for ten years and they are drugged? Why is this guy so scared of pandas? I thought she wasn't allowed to use a gun so why does William shoot the last guy? Why didn't he shoot them ten years ago? If he was there the whole time with a gun why was he letting her try and fist fight them to death when he could have easily killed them? Who made this movie? Who reviewed the script and thought "this is good"? How was this disaster ever made?