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The Royal Hotel (2023)
Not a feminist movie, not a thriller, just a VOID
The marketing really sold this movie as all the things it's not. A feminist thriller where two girls are working in a pub in the middle of nowhere where things slowly "get out of control".
Except that every "out of control" moment is cut short, even the one that happens in the "finale", and it's, like ALL the other scenes in the movie, just a moment that goes nowhere, nothing really happens, and then the girls leave and...burn the pub down. Without a consequence. Lol.
While the movie did have some TINY BITS of atmosphere and tension at first, it quickly became obvious that EVERY buildup will lead to nothing.
Nothing happens here. It's a pub, and there's toxic men drinking, and they harass the girls. A lot could have been done with this concept actually, but the characters are flat and cliche, every dialogue is dead and empty, and the main leads have zero development throughout the movie. I mean, if you wanna call the fact that Hannah suddenly picks up an axe and starts swinging or that Liv has a light-bulb moment about how "this place ain't right" in the last 10-15 minutes, I would HARDLY call that character development.
For starters, the hell are the two of them doing there? They seem like polar opposites who are friends for some inexplicable reason, and it's never explained what their relationship is really like, what they were "running away from back at home", and why we should care for them to begin with. They have ZERO CHEMISTRY, just walking plot devices that keep doing the same shtick for the majority of the film until the "wowza finale" demands otherwise. I love Julia Garner, but she is absolutely WASTED here. The events and the dialogues are so minimal, that NO ONE here gets any opportunity to shine.
If you're gonna make an impactful movie about "two girls stranded (sorta) in a pub in the midst of the Australian bush", it really could have done with more stakes, tension that actually builds up to SOMETHING, an actual point and a bloody reason to care about anything you're watching. But there is none. The girls are almost as annoying and pointless as everyone else that they're supposed to be "the opposites" to, and then they "smash the patriarchy" in the end by setting the place ablaze, and that's supposed to be a good feminist movie? No. It's not.
It's NOT a thriller, it's NOT a meaningful movie, it's NOT even cohesive for heaven's sake. It's a jumbled mess of incomplete "ideas" that all add up to nothing. I have no idea what the hell the critics saw here, because the movie wasn't insightful neither in a subtle or an in-your-face way. It as empty as the desert around them.
Hell, yesterday I watched a budget movie that was pretty dumb and meh but it was at least worth a 3. This is so offensively boring and dumb that giving it a 1 is the only thing that feels right. NOTHING redeems this movie at any point, it's a huge waste of time, and felt like it lasted much, much longer than it's actually SHORT runtime.
Bull (2021)
What was the point?
A lot of people are calling out the cast for being bad, and I'd say that they're quite far from the truth. We've got good actors here, especially for Bull and Norm. And the movie starts okay, and looks quite okay for a budget movie. In fact, this could have been quite a good movie if the plot wasn't as thin and dumb as it gets.
And, of course, the dumb plot is kept a "mystery" for the majority of the film, and you see the pieces through scenes from the past (which REALLY could have been made to be SOMEHOW different from the present, so to be less confusing). And only after about 2/3 of the movie do you realize how AWFUL ALL the characters are. And they're incredibly two-dimensional at it as well.
A good revenge flick needs a GOOD reason for it. Some people compared this to Dead Man's Shoes, and I find that to be a HUGE miss when it comes to comparison. Dead Man's Shoes gives us a big and relatable reason for the character to take vengeance and also ends in the way that gives him sort of a redemption arc after all that he's done. It's violent, it's grim, but it makes sense.
Here, Bull is just an awful dude, whose only excuse is that his wife is "the worse parent" after she leaves him for another man (and drugs). And then the movie shoehorns that point harder by making it so that "she also gets the son to start doing drugs, just like her". But wait, his dad, a super-violent goon who is shown chopping a man's fingers to break him into submission is...somehow better? Because in the scenes with his son, he acts like the good guy, but everywhere else he's just this coldblooded mobster who seems to be more unhinged than anyone else? We barely see a difference between the "old" and the "new" Bull, and there's NO redeemable quality about him, as a living crook or a resurrected demon.
And hell, for those 2/3rds of the movie, I actually expected that he's being so incredibly violent in his revenge because something happened to the kid. That the KID got burned in that trailer. But nope, it was him, and he then died, and was resurrected, and now he's come back as "very evil" to kill everyone as he promised. Wowza, good for...whom exactly?
The fact that he leaves his son in the church in the end with "enough money to start a better life" is really FAR from a redemption arc. He sucks. Everyone sucks.
The final twist could have even been somewhat "fun" if the rest of the movie made any sense. This way, as soon as the credits rolled, I just turned to my wife and said "Well that was kind of silly".
Three stars for the cast and for a promising start. It's not the worst thing I've seen, far from it. It wasn't even annoying until a certain point when you realize it's not going anywhere. It was just a huge MEH. A pointless film that failed to entertain because it failed to include the crucial ingredients of a good revenge flick. My suggestion? A big SKIP.
Malignant (2021)
So silly, you'll laugh or ask for your money back. Probably both
It's really just a bad movie. Feels line Wan put zero effort into it, and made a silly little cash grab cause he was bored. The scene near the end that everyone is talking about is just...well...I don't want to spoil anything, but man, you'll hope that it's a joke.
Again, the movie isn't really a horror cause it's not scary in any way. You've seen all of this somewhere else before. Then, it turns into an unintentional (?) comedy. Unfortunately, I wasn't in a mood for something like that. There are films that are self-conscious about how silly they are and it makes them worth a laugh. This movie takes itself seriously, and that's its greatest undoing.
A big skip, if you ask me. From a low-budget starter of a well-known movie franchise, Wan has only gone downhill, in my opinion. And this movie is probably his worst.
Candyman (2021)
"Horror" with zero atmosphere, unwarranted okayish ending
I'm not sure how one can make a horror movie this devoid of any kind of atmosphere. For the most part, the film is a blank slate. There's NOTHING you feel about ANYTHING happening on the screen.
My wife and I watched it for 45 minutes and she couldn't stand it anymore cause she was bored.
When the "horror" kicked in, the characters started having these ludicrous reactions that were one of the three:
a) staring at the supernatural thing as if it's a curious stone that you're researching and not something to scare the hell out of you
b) having a blank stare as if no one told the actor they were NOT looking at a green screen
c) yelling stupid things that are supposed to be humorous, which has no place in this kind of movie
With zero atmosphere, there's zero tension. The violence is silly cause Candyman, for the most part, remains invisible. Seeing people thrown around and killed with a hook without, like, actually seeing it, tones the horror further down and makes it look like a dull gimmick.
Now, I did skim the rest of the movie, and I have to say that what I've seen of the ending is actually okayish. Too on the nose, predictable, and silly, but somewhat alright. It's a shame that the rest of the movie doesn't warrant such an ending.
All in all, the best solution when it comes to Candyman is reading the story. I didn't like the original film because it devolved into a cliche and threw what was cool about the story's ending out the window. This sequel didn't do anything better - in fact, it did it worse.
Also, as far as I remember, the part about saying Candyman five times in the mirror was NOT in the original story. The whole Bloody Mary ripoff crap was thrown in by Hollywood, and frankly, any Candyman interpretation would have been better off without it.
A hard skip on this one, as it's a huge waste of time, even with the runtime of about 1h30min, and an ending that is soooooooooomewhat ok. It's not worth it.
Violation (2020)
A heavy movie that deals with a comples subject by refusing to leave the grey area and provide a catharsis
Disturbing movie that one would call a revenge thriller, but it's really not. It hits the nail on the head when it comes to its difficult subject by making all of it incredibly grey, denying us any catharsis. This isn't a "feel good for the victim" movie. This is a deeply messed up film about violence giving birth to more violence, showing us everything in a nightmarish fashion, mostly through the eyes of the main character.
Do I suggest it? It's hard to say. I suggest it to people who are into movies like this. It's really not for everyone. It's not disturbing like Martyrs or The House That Jack Built. There's some intense body horror, but it's not gore, it's not a shock fest. It's a movie about being violated by someone close to you and having your world torn apart. And the consequences, that are neither justified nor condemned.
The chronology can be confusing at the first watch. It could have been polished a bit more, but I loved it for what it was.
Retfærdighedens ryttere (2020)
Wonderfully crazy and emotional movie that has some quite deep moments. A must see!
This is one of those movies that you know after about 20 minutes that it's going to be nearly perfect. It's silly, it's funny, it's weird, but it's also deep and emotional as hell.
It's truly a wonderful movie that feels almost like a TV show condensed into a 1h 40min runtime, in the way that you get to know and like all the characters and hope that nothing bad happens to them while the odds of a shitstorm grow by the minute.
I laughed, I shed some manly tears, and I really, really enjoyed it. It's a fun movie that never goes off the rails with its material. And Mads Mikkelsen owns it as he usually does.
I usually spoil most of the plot when talking about garbage movies because I don't think you should see them and you should know why. This movie? The less you know, the better - just go see it right now!
For me, it's like a 9.5, so I'm giving it a 10. :)
Monday (2020)
Poignant and unique drama about dysfuncional relationships. Argyris is great!
After Suntan, I was looking forward to checking out Argyris Papadimitropoulos' first movie in English. And it certainly didn't disappoint. Both films revolve around tragic characters whose actions lead to extremes, though Suntan goes much, much further than Monday does. But maybe that's what makes this movie work in line with its story.
All in all, a very decent watch if you're into dramas about dysfunctional relationships. That might sound boring to some, but I assure you, it's not your run-of-the-mill relationship drama. And what really makes it stand out is how spontaneous and fluid it feels. Argyris is really good at writing characters and dialogue that don't feel forced at all, even when they're talking about the randomest of stuff.
Also, I've only seen Sebastian Stan in Marvel movies, and was not really impressed. This, along with The Devil All The Time, really gives him points for being a decent actor.
Spontaneous (2020)
Fun. Quirky. Witty. Sad. Watch it!
Well, damn. If you read the movie's premise or watch the trailer, you'll probably think that it's as stupid as it gets. Surprise - It's not!
The movie can be taken as a metaphor, and for what - well it can be more vague or very specific to America, but it doesn't really matter, it does a fantastic job presenting its point without having to spell it out for you.
It's fun. It's quirky. It's witty. It's sad. And, most of all, it's impactful. For a movie with a premise so damn silly, it's a pretty damn fine film that I'd actually suggest to people.
So, yeah, a spoiler-free review here cause - go see it!
In the Earth (2021)
A silly film that will only disappoint you
A movie about a bunch of wackos looking for meaning by trying to communicate with nature. Starts off well and then derails into utter nothingness. The ending is open in the way that if I opened my front door and stared at the end of the hall waiting for answers was supposed to tell me something.
Ben Wheatley is a kind of a hit and miss director. But this is such pretentious garbage that the only part I truly took seriously was when the characters got a laugh about what they were doing near the end. Cause I think that this is when they stepped out of character and told us what they're really thinking about the utterly ridiculous mess they're in.
Lots of strobe lights and a woman who's DJing her way into "talking" with nature, while performing "a ritual" from Malleus Maleficarum. I'm not even joking.
Also, there's a pandemic.
Skip at all costs, the movie isn't worth your time. It's not even a horror film. Throw a bunch of effects and filters together to blind your audience, and you've got a "psychedelic movie". No.
2 stars only cause the beginning seemed promising. But that's why you are bound to be even more disappointed once you've reached the "ending".
Amour (2012)
Visceral masterpiece that NEEDS to be seen
I am 9 years late with this movie. It's a gut-wrenching masterpiece. That's all I have to say, really, because it just needs to be experienced.
Go see it if you haven't. Or don't, cause it's a hard watch, especially if you've had an older family member die. But it deserved that Oscar, oh it damn did. Haneke is weird as hell, sometimes to the point of unapproachability. But, this is one of the movies where his masterful craft truly shines.
My wife said: "It was good. I never want to see it again".
The Green Knight (2021)
Pretty-looking but highly pretentious hogwash
Oh boy. I waited for this movie ever since it was originally announced last year. I went into it blindly, not knowing the original tale of Gawain and the Green Knight. I thought, since it's a retelling of the story, the movie is going to present us with a coherent understanding of its lore, plot, and meaning.
But, alas, the movie was a confusing mess. It felt like an okay watch at first and I liked some of the scenes, but when the credits rolled, I realized I can't say anything about it cause I really don't understand almost anything that transpired.
So I read an interview with the director and realized that the movie is a load of pretentious hogwash.
While the original tale made sense because it was about the witch showing that Arthur's knights aren't all that brave and chivalrous as they are presented to be, the movie is - wait for it - pretty much about the director's relationship with his mother. It's somehow stitched from bits of the original tale in a way that doesn't make sense, to give us a story about a dude who is sent away by his mother to go away from home and do something brave, while also being given a protective belt (like mothers do), with the idea of....um... I'm not really sure. Did she want him to die in the end as a brave man or did she want him to fail and come home in shame like in the original tale? I'm guessing both, again, like overly protective and confused mothers do (?)
Does this make it a better tale? Nein.
It especially fails being a meaningful story because Gawain does the dumbest and most selfish things throughout, minus one, that just doesn't fit his character and the entire movie, so I have NO idea what's it doing there. So, his "brave" decision to drop the belt and lose his head after having a premonition of how terrible everything would be otherwise actually makes no sense.
He's a wuss. A real piece of crap dude that you've got no reason to root for, so the ending doesn't make him "chivalrous" in any way. It's just silly as all hell.
So, what we've got here is this - Instead of a story about how knights are actually pieces of crap, we get a "personalized tale" of a wuss that decides not to be a wuss thanks to a very convoluted plan put together by his witch mom.
Also, if you haven't read the original, you'll have no idea about most of the stuff in the film. The dialogues are "mysterious" and the director leaves a whole lot to be "deliberately ambiguous" so that, as he says, "the viewer can come up with his own conclusions".
In other words, he didn't give a damn about writing and directing a coherent film.
So, a pretty watch that hurts your brain as soon as you start to think about it. And not in the "Usual Suspects" kind of way. Just the "why the hell did I even watch two hours of this nonsense?" way.
In conclusion, Dev Patel tries his best to be a likeable wuss. Sadly, the movie makes no sense, so we don't get to like him or anyone else. The movie doesn't even let us see his head get chopped off in the end because, again, the director wanted to leave it as "ambiguous". HA HA.
TL:DR: If you like pretentious movies that look good and make no sense, this can be a treat. Otherwise, skip.
Giving it a 4 for the cinematography and being somewhat a watchable film if you don't care about meaning. The cast is fantastic, so in the end, it's just sad and left me disappointed.
Spree (2020)
Fun movie that does just what it's supposed to
I don't get all the negative reviews here. The movie is bashed for being shallow, but I think that it covers several issues with the influencer culture well, and does that in a fun and over-the-top manner the way a satire should. It doesn't try to be some extensive and encompassing analysis. It isn't even preachy like a lot of these movies are.
It takes some inspiration from a few real godawful social media influencers who have done some quite unethical and even downright obscene things, and tunes it up a notch to present how detached from the real world all these people are. And that is exactly the vibe that the whole movie presents, detachment from reality and lack of social awareness.
Keery really carries the film. His acting is fantastic, and he's been given a lot of great lines to deal with. This isn't some extremely artistic project with deep metaphors and whatnot. The movie does just what it's supposed to. The format it uses it spot on, it takes the YouTube/Instagram/Reddit realm and makes it into a movie that really works. People have mentioned the Unfriended movies. Those movies are dumb and take themselves way too seriously for being so painfully bad.
So, my advice, don't listen to the bad reviews and see it for yourself. In fact, at the time I'm writing this, the written user reviews are all 7+. For me, the movie is maybe 7.5, but I'm giving it an 8 cause it really deserves to get a better rating on here and be seen. Some of the garbage I've seen on here with significantly higher ratings is just ridiculous.
If you want an hour and a half of witty dark humor and fun at the expense of the emotionally-detached social media culture, this is the film for you.
Daniel Isn't Real (2019)
A horrible movie that makes no sense
If this was supposed to be a movie about mental illness, then it is an incredibly dumb and even offensive one. Mental issues are presented as some sort of paranormal entity and make no damn sense. How the hell does Daniel function in relation to Luke? How is he able to know and see things that Luke doesn't? If he ISN'T REAL, then this doesn't make any sense.
The beginning is ridiculous already. Luke sees a corpse and Daniel just pops out of nowhere? Is THAT really how mental issues get triggered? Are you sure about that? Then, in like, 10 minutes of the movie, we learn that his mom isn't sane either. But all of it is dealt in such a manner that we don't even get a breath of any DEVELOPMENT or whatsoever. Everything in this movie just...happens? And it happens so fast and the acting is so minimal and bad that you don't get to process any of it as really going on.
Also, how the hell do you LOCK your mental illness in a dollhouse and then "let it out" a decade later? And Daniel actually acts as if he is a REAL PERSON that was caught in a trap for all those years. And that dumb therapist, he tells Luke that it's...pretty normal to see things when you're under stress? And just lets him go as if hallucinating stuff is just, you know, an everyday nuisance. They even make some dumb jokes about it.
I'll make it clear that I skipped a large portion of the movie because I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to see how it ends. I saw a bit of the classroom part where Daniel has solutions written all over his body and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or throw my pillow at the screen.
The sword fighting sequence in the end is just pathetically lame, and the ending where Luke DIES, but Daniel is still "watching from above"? What sense does that make? If he's NOT REAL, that's just some dumb wannabe-creepy way of ending an otherwise incredibly bad and pointless movie.
I don't commonly write reviews, but this movie was so insanely bad that I just had to let people know to STEER CLEAR from this piece of garbage.
So, DON'T WATCH IT. You'll thank me later.
Sidney Hall (2017)
The critics are out of their minds.
Seriously, this is the first review that I am writing, and the reason is the utter disbelief that this movie has a metacritic rating of 18! EIGHTEEN! It's a wonderful movie that captivated me to the end, and did a wonderful job of portraying its characters. I've watched Shawn Christansen's previous film, Before I Disappear, and it was really lovely, and Sidney Hall shows a step forward in his career. I am looking forward to what he comes up with next. DON'T BELIEVE THE CRITICS. I almost skipped this great movie because of their BS.