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terrymike-77740
Reviews
Burial (2022)
Werewolves?
I hate tuning into movies that are advertised as being horror films, and turn out to be anything but. "Burial" is one of those movies.
The premise is that Russian soldiers near the end of WWII find Adolf Hitler's remains, and are tasked with transporting the corpse to Moscow so that Josef Stalin can see the body with his own eyes. According to the promos for this farce, the Russian soldiers are targeted by Naxi werewolves who are intent on recovering Hitler's corpse.
Instead of horror movie lycanthropes, however, the "werewolves" are Nazi soldiers and sympathizers. One of them even runs around in a fur suit with an attached wolf head. There are no supernatural creatures in this movie at all. It's a war film, not a horror movie, and it's not even a very good one. So, don't be mislead and tune in expecting horror movie.
A Town Full of Ghosts (2022)
A Town Full of Cliches
"The Shining" meets "Gunsmoke". Instead of being set in a sprawling, remotely located haunted hotel, the story is set in a ghost town in the middle of nowhere. Mark, one of the main characters, is almost a direct rip-off of Jack Torrance, complete with mental instability and a problem with alcohol. In "The Shining", Jack Torrance had Lloyd the bartender. In this movie, Mike has Billy the caretaker. There's even the ax as a murder weapon, and a chase through a maze.
Like Jack Torrance, Mike's mental instability and potential alcoholism is heavily foreshadowed. There is virtually nothing new to see here, folks. The Overlook Hotel collected victims and ghosts in "The Shining", and the ghost town, Blackwood Falls in this movie does the same thing. This movie is far more predictable than it is scary.
Death Island: Paranormal Retribution (2017)
Great Blubbering Snot Bubbles, Batman!
Why does every farking "Blair Witch" wannabe/knockoff absolutely have to include the sniveling, whimpering, snot bubble close-up scene where some shuddering wretch bemoans their decision to embark upon the project that virtually everyone that they met along the way tried to warn them away from? ENOUGH ALREADY. IT'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH AND BACK AGAIN.
I watched the movie because it takes place in Michigan, and I live in Michigan. There are a few other horror movies that take place in Michigan, and were filmed here. Unfortunately, most of them are pretty awful. There was one whose title I can't immediately recall; it was about a demonic creature that was terrorizing the community of Lake Orion. That movie depicted Lake Orion as a slum bordering the city of Detroit. Lake Orion is anything but a slum, and it does NOT border Detroit. Another poor offering would be "Dogman", and the even worse sequel, "Dogman 2: Wrath of the Litter". The worst of the lot would have to be "Werewolf Island". Apparently, Michigan is riddled with paranormally plagues islands. "Death Island" isn't as bad as "Werewolf Island" is, but it's only marginally better... very marginally.
Something in the Woods (2022)
There's something in the woods all right...
... and it ain't a good movie. At one point in the film, one of the main characters complains that she's hungry; she hasn't eaten since that morning. She's so hungry, in fact, that she cuts off the pinky and ring fingers off of one of her hands and tries to eat them. When the "finger food" fails to satisfy her hunger, she attacks her companion and tries to bite a chunk out of her lower leg.
The story is stupid. The acting is beyond atrocious, the monster is one of the worst that I've ever seen. The characters make every single stupid, boneheaded decision that you could possibly make in a life-threatening situation and the ending of the movie is utterly inane. I'm sorry that I wasted the time that I did watching this turd. I've enjoyed bouts of explosive diarrhea with simultaneous projectile vomiting more than I did "Something in the Woods".
Taku-He (2017)
Taku-huh?
Think of a micro-budget production, with micro-budget actors, and micro-budget special effects, and then reduce those values by 50%, and you have "Taku-He".
The movie is about a film crew, who while preparing to film a zombie horror movie, stumble upon a local legend about a Saquatch type creature that is reputed to haunt the rural location chosen for the zombie movie. The producer decides that he wants to film a short documentary about the creature, and the crew goes along with the idea.
Long story short, it turns out that there IS an actual huge, hairy cryptic, and after a frightening experience with the beast, the crew hires a local hunter and guide to track the creature down.
Despite the infinitesimal budget, and the no-name cast, there are some things that "Taku-He" gets right. Instead of the usual "check-the-box" stereotypical characters, there does seem to be at least some semblance of camaraderie amongst the crew. There is no buxom bimbo eye candy, there is no obnoxious jock, no snide, arrogant smart-ass whom no one else in the group can stand, no one aching to get stoned or smashed at every opportunity. That's not to say that this is a good movie, but it at least avoids the same sorely over-used cliches and stereotypical characters of countless, similar horror movies, thus I gave it 3 stars instead of just 1.
Viktorville (2017)
Paranormally Abysmal
*WARNING: SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW*
I gave this movie one star because it was not possible to give it a lesser rating than that. The basic premise isn't the worst that I've ever seen, but everything else about this film was awful. None of the characters are even remotely likeable, or believable.
The main character, Alexis, inherits a house from her mother, and this happens to be the same house that her mother and little brother were murdered in. At the time that she is informed of this inheritance, Alexis is living with her kinfly Aunt Pat. Aunt Pat is the sister to Alexis's stepfather, Dorian. Dorian is in an asylum for the criminally insane, ostensibly for killing Alexis's mother and little brother.
Alexis decides that it is only right to visit Dorian in the asylum, to give him some money from her inheritance. Alexis takes her boyfriend, Paul, with her. Alexis tries to engage Dorian in meaningful conversation, which faisf. Dorian ends up attacking Alexis and tried to dtrangle her to death. Of course, he fails.
Alexis goes on to move into the house that she inherited, with the help of Paul, Kira, her best friend, and Ray, Kira's boyfriend. The gang decides to play hide ''n' seek, during which time Ray puts the moves on Alexis. She rebuffs his advances, and he skills off sulking. Alexis is then frightened by a presence in the basrbase. When questioned by Kira, Alexis says that she was frightened by a mouse. Kira is skeptical of Alexis's story, but doesn't push the matter.
Over the course of the movie, Paul and Alexis have sex, during which she bites him hard enough to draw blood. Pail freaks out and they stop fooling around. At this point, I should advise you that Alexis, Paul, Kira, and Ray all have the moral integrity and fiber of a nymphomaniacal 25 cent hooker. Alexis, you see, is troubled by visions, and when Paul can't handle her mood swigss, he bangs Kira. Kira tells Paul that she is dumping Ray because she wants to be with him. Paul tells Kira that he plans on marrying Alexis.
Kira moves in with Alexis, and witnesses Alexis's increasingly erratic behavior. Paul makes several visits, to check on Alexis. Kira also tried to patch things up with Ray, whom she had dumped in the hope of getting with Paul. Shortly after speaking with Ray, and telling him how much she wants to see him again, she bangs Paul. Ray comes to the house, and Alexis puts the moves on him, telling him that she knows that Paul and Kira are bumping uglies. Ray, who has been a lecherous creep for most of the movie, is now suddenly morally upright and virtuous; he rebuffs Alexis rather vehemently.
Ray then storms out of the house, spitting and cursing like he'd just French kissed a leper. He then goes and sits on a bench in the backyard to have a cigarette and calm down. In the house, Alexis gets call from her Aunt Pat. Pat tells her that Dorian managed to escape from the asylum, and that he is coming after Alexis.
Back outside, Ray is murdered by someone not shown on-screen. In the house, everyone is freaking out about Dorian's escape. Paul goes outside to get Ray, and finds him dead, with his throat cut from ear to ear. He freaks out and goes back inside to get Kira and Alexis, and then leave before Dorian gets there. Kira finds out that Ray has been killed, and she collapses like she's just lost the love of her life. Mind you, she was banging Paul like drum major in a marching band earlier that same night. Paul please with Kira, telling her that they need to go, but she refuses to leave Ray behind.
Paul and Kira carry Ray's body into the house, and Kira stays with Ray.. even though he's dead and there appears to be a killer on the loose... while Paul goes to find Alexis.
Alexis has been having visions this entire time, and while stumbling around the house, she finds Paul's body; he's been murdered. Cut to Dorian showing up at the house; he is next to Kira's body; she is now dead, too.
Dorian finds Alexis and they struggle, but she ends up stabbing him to death. The authorities arrive, and the sole survivor, Alexis, is rescued. The movie cuts to a year later, and Alexis is living with Aunt Pat again. Aunt Pat finds an old letter behind a photograph of a young Alexis. Reading the letter, Pat discovers that it's from her former sister-in-law, Alexis's mother. Dorian was not the murderer. Alexis was. Alexis drowned her little brother, but Alexis's mother didn't tell anyone, because she knew that no one would believe her. She goes on to warn, in this letter, that Alexis is evil, but it would be futile to warn anyone because they wouldn't believe her, either. Alexis then shows up snd asks dear Aunt Pat what she's doing.... and fade to Black. The movie ends.