Reviews

Frustratingly uneven as a filmmaker the 70's is where Jess Franco truly shined and prospered. Insanely productive, he made 12 films in one year (!) during this period. Several of them are masterpieces. Vampyros Lesbos belongs in his top 5 best works. It's aesthetically perfect. Georgeously shot with amazing insanely catchy music set to perfect editing. Swedish cutie Ewa Strömberg gets sent to turkey where she meets vampiric (iconic Franco muse) Soledad Miranda who snares her in her ghastly web of doom and perversion. Jess Franco is known for his alluring night club performance scenes of which there are plenty here. All inspired and perfectly choreographed and photographed. If you have even the tiniest interest in wacky cult cinema you HAVE to check this out. It's a genre all time high. Fantastic filmmaking.

I really enjoyed this film quite a bit. It's well paced and consistently funny all the way through. Jennifer Aniston is charming as ever, though it looks like she's gotten some recent touch ups on her face because she looks a little... off and Adam Sandler seems to actually give a hoot this time around. He's done some stuff on auto pilot for a while but not here. A couple goes to Europe for a much belated honey moon to try and spark things up again between them. They happen upon a rich playboy who invites them to a yacht where things quickly get very weird and very, very murderous. Now they have to not only survive but also try and solve the case since they happen to be the prime suspects. Very entertaining solid little movie.

I'm on a quest to watch everything Ruth Wilson has acted in. She's brilliant and steals this show as well. Here she hams it up tremendously as a ditsy/nutty sex pot. She plays the daughter of one of the gun toting old ladies who sets her sights on the son of another (Tom Hiddleston in an early role). While a fun idea this would've been better suited for a 30min short film. Old ladies touting guns and having turf wars in a quaint little town gets really old really quickly and they couldn't possibly have stretched this out further than the two seasons that were made. While fun and sometimes even brilliantly so this has a tiresome undercurrent of male bashing. Points subtracted for that. Besides that this is a mostly fun watch but it does get old and towards the end of the second season my interest had severely waned and I found myself surfing on my smartphone while glancing at the screen every now and then. Watch it if you are curious about early appearances from Tom Hiddleston and Ruth Wilson. Especially Wilson is broad camp to the hilt and she plays it wonderfully.

Predator is a concept that's hard to mess up but Shane Black did. Every step of the way. The script leaked early and people were horrified. Rightly so. This project was spearheaded by complete morons from script to finished product. It's almost fascinating in its stupidity and commitment to get precisely EVERYTHING wrong. Tone deaf, brutally unfunny (the filmmakers think they are hilarious though) with a idiotic story and lazy uninspired call backs to the iconic original. No wonder Schwarzenegger stayed very far away from this train wreck. Watch the original classic masterpiece and just pretend they never made the others. Part 2 is still boss but everything after that one is complete cack.

One of the worst films I've ever seen. It's so slow I grew new gray hairs before it was over. A film that's 90 minutes shouldn't feel like it goes on for 5 excruciating hours. Endless takes of uninteresting narrating and static or slooooooooowly panning/dollying shots. The writer directed this pablum and was clearly in love with his own dialogue. Kill your darlings ffs! I've got mad love for Ruth Wilson. She's one of the most talented actresses working today. She won me over with The Affair (a show she completely stole every step of the way). One wonders what drew her to this garbage though. Easy paycheck? A starring role? Who knows. She's not bad but there's nothing here to work with. She plays a hospice nurse sent to take care of an old writer. Ghostly shenanigans happen. There was maybe one genuinely good suspenseful scene among all the extreme tedium. I got actual goosebumps when Ruth Wilson's character was on the phone and the ghost snatched it from her hands. That's the only well done scene in the film. A spectacular misfire every step of the way. I hope this writer/director never works again. He's that awful at his job. Shame on you! Avoid like the plague.

Serious and gritty. Lukas/The Bouncer centers around JCVD's character Lukas. A simple guy who just wants to make a living and provide for his daughter. An incident at the night club he works at (as a bouncer) results in him getting fired. Desperate for another job (he barely scrapes by and is behind on his daughters school tuition as it is) he accepts an interview through a bouncer friend of his. BIG mistake. The first sign that something is odd is when the interview consists of beating the snot out of the other applicants, last man standing-style. After an impressive brutal melee, JCVD scores the gig. His employers are more than a little shady and suddenly a cop knocks on JCVD's door and uses the incident at the night club as leverage to recruit him as a snitch. He is to spy on his employers and report back deets on what they're doing. Things progressively spiral out of control until it all comes to an ambiguous end. I really loved this film. Van Damme gives his all, his weathered face works wonders, his chemistry with the daughter actress is both sweet and genuinely well portrayed. While the rest of the cast does mostly well, JCVD runs circles around them all. It also helps tremendously that he gets to act in his native language. No stilted broken english here (that has its part in his unique charm but was always a big part of what held him back in the past). The action is gritty and well shot, fast and brutal. This is mostly a drama though but when it jumps off it hits hard and mercilessly. The ending is pretty open. You get to decide what happened. Personally I choose the positive angle. Very good film.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is an odd duck. He started out as probably the cheesiest action star (we all loved him and grew up on those films but let's be honest), then got somewhat of a superstar in the early to mid nineties, then developed a huuuuge coke addiction as well as a worsening onset of extreme bipolar disorder and finally he crashed and burned completely. He then lingered in DTV obscurity (from the mainstream audiences, that is. He still had a dependable fanbase built up) for years and years. During those years he started to mature and develop as an actor. We could see signs of that in Ringo Lam's "In Hell" where he acts his socks off and is very good. Still, a mainstream return seemed highly unlikely before a little film called "JCVD" hit the scene and became sort of a critical darling. Especially for the wonderful and heart breaking monologue he delivers to the camera at one point in the film. Suddenly people started to see that there is actual talent there except just roundhousing fools in the face in slo-mo while screeching like a banshee. Even still, mainstream acceptance eluded him, so he kept toiling in the DTV world. Except for the odd Expendables he seems destined to remain there. This film is no exception. This too, is an odd duck. It feels like a melodrama with some moments of action sprinkled in here and there. It's nowhere near bad and is very competently made and mostly well acted. Van Damme also doesn't say a word in the whole film (he plays a mute war vet with PTSD and a pill addiction). I like this film and JCVD is very good in it but I can't shake the feeling his character belongs to a different film. It feels a little off. It's hard to explain. Anyway, his character lives in a rough neighborhood where he keeps mostly to himself. The MS 13 affiliated kid he buys his pills from tries to keep his little brother from getting sucked into the gang lifestyle while at the same time performing his cartel duties such as drug running and collection of protection money from the terrified citizens in the neighbourhood. Things go sideways and all hell breaks loose. JCVD feels compelled to come to the rescue. He made a mistake in his soldier days and perhaps he can be here for these troubled kids. Like I said this is neither masterpiece nor crap. Just a solid JCVD DTV. It's interesting how he came out on top compared to all the other lower level action guys (the king is still Stallone, tightly followed by Arnie) who were around in the 80's and 90's. Several of them are producing mostly dreck. especially Steven Seagal who gives nary a hoot anymore as long as the buffet table is stocked and his check clears. Dolph Lundgren sometimes also dips back into mainstream cinema from time to time (Aquaman and Creed 2 this past year) but is otherwise firmly trapped in DTV-land. Van Damme at least tries, even if he too makes plenty of garbage just to pay the bills (Black Water, Pound Of Flesh, Kill Em All).

Super hero movie fatigue aside (can you please make actual films again, H-Wood?) this is thoroughly mediocre in all aspects. Brie Larson is about as interesting as a hole in the wall. Dour and humorless. Both here and in real life. Way to attack the intended audience. I'm sick and tired on intended and manufactured controverse as a marketing tactic. People are beyond sick of it and are voting with their wallets. These super hero films all blend together eventually and being completely unfamiliar with the character (my first reaction when they announced the film was literally: "Captain who...?") I was completely lost as to what was going on half the time. It's colourful and competent craftsmanship as far as effects go but with an uninteresting lead it really becomes a chore. Heck, even the paid off shills seem to be underwhelmed by it. You could easily skip this as it adds nothing to the overall Marvel arc. I bet Marvel is gonna scale back Captain Marvel's involvement in the upcoming Avengers film, as rumored (apparently there's an alternative ending ready to go if this bombs). Awfully bland film. I doubt it'll lose money though. The brand is well established at this point so lots of people are gonna attend just by default Marvel allegiance.

I visited Scotland last year. On the trip our guide went on and on about Mary Stuart (we also went to Blair Castle, where she briefly stayed). At first I tuned it out but after a while I began to listen and gradually it seemed to me that it was a very fascinating story and life. And I really like Saoirse Ronan (Lady Bird was excellent) so this seemed like a nobrainer. I didn't think anyone could usurp the very worst film of the past 20 years (vile trash The Favourite) until Mary Queen Of Scots said: "Hold mah beer, Yorgos!" WOW... they did not even try to pretend with this one. All PC sermonizing, extremely anti male and just generally wildly inaccurate on every level. A mockery of history and 2 hours of revisionist Feminist/LGBT/Multi culti-propaganda to fit the current year narrative. It's sad how it's become. Hollywood is now outright blatant in its hatred and contempt for its audience. This is clearly not gonna stop since they keep doing this despite people's negative responses. Only thing we can do is vote with our wallets. Mary Queen Of Scots is disgusting propaganda and ought to be treated as such. Search out a credible history book on the subject instead.

I like Andrew Garfield. I think he's terribly underrated and I also think he was an excellent Spider-Man/Peter Parker. Watch out for the neat little injoke in this film about that. Under The Silver Lake is a very, very odd duck. It's waaay too long for its own good. At the same time you never lose interest in what's going on. But it is still detrimental. I watched this in two segments, doing some cooking, taking a shower, etc in between. Perhaps this would've worked better as a Netflix mini-series instead. The main draw here is Garfield but there are many cool little characters showing up along the way. It's all very mysterious and strange. Sort of a teen noir anti La La Land, if that makes any sense. Garfield's character meets a girl he gets instantly smitten with. When she suddenly disappears he starts on a very bizarre quest to find her. Along the way he meets all sorts of odd characters. I loved all the little cool pop culture references sprinkled throughout as well as the hints at a much seedier semi-hidden part of the entertainment industry, such as low level actresses "escorting" on the side in between movie jobs and the hit maker Garfield encounters in the mansion. It's very hard to describe the film or the plot. It's a journey you have to take for yourself. You might regret it, you might love it but definitely see it. It could perhaps have been tightened somewhat but there is definitely some kind of masterpiece in here. Personally I think this is destined to be a cult classic when it finds its feet. Incredibly strange, stylish, frustrating, cool and rewarding film (when it sinks in).

This is quite a flawed movie. I get trying to make something fresh out of a tired, and frankly worn out, concept. That IS to be applauded but the result leaves much to be desired. A Universal Soldier film has absolutely no business being up towards two hours long. None at all. The running time is excruciatingly felt. It also doesn't make any sense. I had no idea what was going on and after really thinking about it still don't. Secondly, Scott Adkins has everything an action hero needs except the most crucial part: Charisma. Bless his heart for trying and carving out a niche for himself but he is fantastically boring when not displaying his excellent martial arts skills. A leading man he ain't. We watch these films for Lundgren and Van Damme and they're not in it nearly enough. Lundgren gives a spirited performance and is enjoyable to watch as always but Van Damme looks like he downed a bottle of Valium before stepping on set, in every shot. The character design of Luc Deveraux is silly here. I know he's supposed to be a nod to Col. Kurtz but it doesn't work. He looks ridiculous instead of cool/menacing. Dolph Lundgren looks cool as hell though. The only really good part of this mess is the action. It's punishing and absolutely brutal in its intensity. This films fight scenes would make a brilliant showreel for stunt guys but that's about it. Very cool action scenes. The rest is just an awfully boring overlong mess. Let's put this franchise to rest after this. It's played out and has run its course by now.

Let's be absolutely clear. This film has no pretentions about itself. I'm not so sure Van Damme's in on the joke however but anyway... The filmmakers embrace the idiocy of the concept and knocks it out of the park with flying colours. Sadly, Dolph Lundgren is absent but instead we get a loveable and very cheesy Bill Goldberg as the main, almost indestructible, wisecracking foe to Van Damme's Luc Deveraux. In the first film he was a re-animated corpse but here he's somehow alive again, has a kid and is a greaving widower. It's never really explained but then again who cares. We also get a new cute female reporter who sasses aplenty in an entertaining way and they cram in a cute will they/won't they thing between her and Van Damme. This is an action film and boy does it deliver. They waste no time and gets into it right away with stuff blowing up everywhere, roid freaks beating the snot out of each other and people perishing under hails and hails of gunfire. All set to crappy late 90's metal music. Universal Soldier - The Return is one of the dumbest movies ever made and I love it dearly. You can't take this stuff seriously. A character uses Bill Goldberg as a toboggan down a flight of stairs in one scene for christs sake. Perfect schlock cinema, an underrated gem and a classic of b-movie action cinema. God bless JCVD for making these movies for the world to behold.

This movie got a real rough deal upon its release with the white washing stuff (personally I could care less about such things and think Depp fits perfectly in the part). I had so much fun watching this film and the last 30 minutes are amazing entertainment. What surprised me about this film is how dark it got at some points. Cannibalism, massacres, scalpings, etc was very unexpected in a Disney blockbuster vehicle. Armie hammer is serviceable in the leading role if a little bland. This is firmly Depp's show through and through. The films running time is felt however and could've been trimmed by 30 minutes at least but it's not too bad. The films framing device of old Tonto could and should've been snipped entirely as it grinds everything to a screeching halt. But besides that, this is fun spectacle. It's a shame the excellent Ruth Wilson didn't appear more than she does. Absolutely beautiful and brilliant actress (watch The Affair and Mrs. Wilson for further proof of that). Ignore the bad criticism this movie got and sit back and enjoy a good old fashioned rousing cowboy and injuns adventure. Great fun but be advised of the darker stuff. Even if it's not gratuitous lingering gore It's not exactly kid friendly and could case some nightmares.

For some reason, people really hate this entry in the series. I've never understood why. I've loved this film since the first time I laid eyes on it. Even the cover art is magnificently lurid and enticing. The highlight of this film is the intense frenzy all the actors manage to whip up together. It's exhausting to watch and helps tremendously to the films benefit. It's punishing and nightmarish and never lets up for a second. Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger provide star power to spare and they act circles around everyone else, both giving 280% from the get go. This films Leatherface is an unhinged, screaming force of nature. Truly disturbing and scary. Someone you DO NOT want chasing after you with a revving chainsaw. And the Illuminati angle? Just go with it. After the first film this is the best part of the series, closely followed by the Marcus Nispel remake starring Jessica Biel. TCM 4 is a truly underrated intentional schlocksterpiece.