The Pink Panther (2006)
Henry Czerny: Yuri
Quotes
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Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Is there anyone with you?
Yuri : No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri : No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri : No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Who are you?
Yuri : I am Yuri, the trainer.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : And what is it you do here, Yuri the trainer?
Yuri : I train.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : So you are Yuri the trainer who trains.
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[footsteps are heard in the background]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.
[a male in his forties walks in]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Is anyone with you?
Yuri : No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri : No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri : No.
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Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Do not leave Europe.
Yuri : But I have to go to Asia.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Okay. Do not leave Europe or Asia.
Yuri : We have one match in Brazil.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : All right. Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas.
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Palais Reporter : What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes, Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau for carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.
Yuri : What do I care about your stinking diamond?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : He does not have the diamond.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [skeptically] The murderer does not have the diamond?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : No.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : [mockingly] Well, then, where is it, Inspector Clouseau?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : It is there! In her purse!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Let me see.
[He searches Xania's purse but finds nothing]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [He takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors] The purse, please.
[He uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Could you hold that, please?
[He hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse]
Xania : After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me. Then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.
Ponton : But Inspector, how did you know she had it?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : It was simple, Ponton. I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo... and in it... the Pink Panther. The case is closed!
[the crowd cheers and applauds]
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Inspector Jacques Clouseau : You there. Halt. You are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri : Yeah, that's right.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Yuri : Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.
[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]
Yuri : You are finding something amusing here?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you from?
Yuri : From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [mocking him] do-do-do-ba-ba-lo. You need to work on your accent.
Yuri : What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : What?
Yuri : What? What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : What?
Yuri : What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.
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Inspector Jacques Clouseau : In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant. Yuri, the trainer who trains.
[Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp]
Palais Reporter : And who are you?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau unmasks himself] I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Yuri : Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead. Okay, fine. Now he is dead from Chinese poison.
[the crowd gasps in shock]
Ponton : Inspector, what made you think it was him?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : But, Ponton, think back. You were there.
[Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation]
Yu : [in subtitled Chinese] Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy. The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223, every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder] This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.
Palais Reporter : And Bizu?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Simple. Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant. So Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.
Bizu : [Flashback to Bizu's murder] Oh, it's you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Well, of course.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau , Chief Inspector Dreyfus : All members must be expert marksmen...
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Expert marksmen.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau , Chief Inspector Dreyfus : ...and understand the location of the occipital...
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Occipital lobe, of course.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus : Very true.