- Marshall Beck: Think of the money! Why they could be wealthier than us!
- Carlotta Beck: That wouldn't take much, Marshall. I have already been forced to buy my hosiery in eggs!
- [Carlotta hurls a L'eggs container at him]
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: You always take more meat than anyone else.
- Kathleen Beck: I beg your pardon? This is only the second piece I've had.
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: It is not! I saw you in the pantry eating Alpo just before dinner!
- George Wilhoit: Wild Bill, Bootsie, do you feel you're being treated well?
- Bootsie Weschester: Oh goodness, yes! Everybody's just so considerate!
- Wild Bill Weschester: Especially Carlotta. Why she drove all the way downtown to the society editor's desk to get Bootsie and me cut out of a family Christmas picture, cuz our faces were in a bad light.
- Bootsie Weschester: She sure did! And she got out of a sickbed to do it too!
- Carlotta Beck: Well, nothing's too good for my loved ones!
- George Wilhoit: I believe my secretary has inadvertently erased the tape.
- Marshall Beck: Erased the tape? Oh, I get it! The old Rosemary Woods story!
- Kathleen Beck: Who's Rosemary Woods?
- Marshall Beck: She worked for Nixon.
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: No, she didn't. Her full name is Clooney, she's a big band singer, and she's married to that Spanish fella.
- Carlotta Beck: Really, Marshall, I thought we had this settled years ago. I have absolutely no intention of having a baby. Just because I am a woman, it does not necessarily follow that I enjoy being around little people who spit up on me.
- Marshall Beck: Now could we just once, in front of company, have a normal conversation that does not make this family sound like the dumbest, goofiest people on earth?
- Kathleen Beck: I just came by to tell you that I saw Bootsie and Wild Bill heading to bed earlier, and they had that special gleam in their eye.
- Carlotta Beck: Kathleen, this is hardly news. In case you haven't noticed, that "gleam" has been there as long as they have. I mean, we're talking about people who have a rabbit on their family crest!
- Marshall Beck: I always wanted a child! Even as a child, I wanted a child because no one wanted to play with me. Now this one will have to whether he likes it or not. Because I said so!
- Kathleen Beck: Why shouldn't I have a baby? I'm young and full of life! I have so much to give! Besides, it would be kind of fun to have a little person to cuddle up with.
- Carlotta Beck: Why not? You've cuddled up with everything else.
- [Marshall and Carlotta are trying to adopt a child]
- Carlotta Beck: Naturally, Mrs. Camp, we have certain requirements of our own.
- Mrs. Camp: I'd be very interested to know what those are.
- Carlotta Beck: For example, we'd hope the child would at least come from a good broken home. The important thing is that we get the child as quickly as possible.
- Mrs. Camp: Why?
- Marshall Beck: Because we're in a race... Against the clock! Because, uh... we're getting old.
- Mrs. Camp: What qualities in your son do you think would make him a good father?
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: Well, he's very good at meeting children on their own level.
- Carlotta Beck: Isn't that nice?
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: He also has tantrums and still sleeps with a rubber sheet!
- Kathleen Beck: It appears your Mrs. Camp wants to ask a few questions about the two of you. 'Course, I would just love to just say the most wonderful things, but then I would need some assurance that we could split the endowment money from Big Guy.
- Marshall Beck: Kathleen, that's blackmail.
- Kathleen Beck: Yes, I know. I saw it on TV. Well, I have to go now, I'm sure my electric curlers are overheatin'.