The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)
Dibley Live (1998)
Dawn French: Geraldine Granger
Photos
Quotes
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Reverend Geraldine Granger : You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.
Frank Pickle : Toast.
Reverend Geraldine Granger : Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.
Frank Pickle : Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast.
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Jim Trott : Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.
Geraldine Granger : Is it?
Jim Trott : It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.
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[last lines]
Geraldine Granger : And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, or course, our resident cool dude, Mr Hugo 'Hot-dog' Horton. And on that happy note it's farewell from Radio Dibley. Hit it, Newitt.
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[post credits]
Geraldine Granger : So there's this man vicar...
Alice Tinker : Oh!
Geraldine Granger : Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.
Alice Tinker : John.
Geraldine Granger : John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.
Alice Tinker : Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger : Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker : Uh-oh.
Geraldine Granger : Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker : No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.
Geraldine Granger : It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?
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Geraldine : For 10 points, which Tinker was commonly known as "Donkey Bonker"?
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[first lines]
David Horton : Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
Owen Newitt : Yes, tear it up.
David Horton : I beg your pardon?
Owen Newitt : Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
Jim Trott : No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
Geraldine Granger : No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
Jim Trott : Yes, that is Wimbledon.
David Horton : Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
Geraldine Granger : We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
David Horton : Is that right?
Geraldine Granger : Remember Denfield?
David Horton : Well, how could one forget those poor people?
Hugo Horton : Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
Geraldine Granger : And they came fifty-third.
David Horton : Point taken.
[crumples the form]
David Horton : Let's forget it.
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Geraldine Granger : Hello, and welcome to our final special programme: Brain of Dibley.
Jingle : Tune into Dibley Radio for fun with the holy lady-o!
Geraldine Granger : Our contestants tonight are the reigning champion, Councillor David Horton, MBE, MA, FRCS; and the challenger, Miss Alice Tinker, GCSE, PMT, TTFN!
[Everyone applauds]
Geraldine Granger : And tonight's quiz has a local flavour. So, let's kick off. And, fingers on buttons.
[Alice touches the buttons of her cardigan]
Geraldine Granger : That's the button on the *table*, Alice!
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Geraldine Granger : I think we have a caller on Line 1! Hello, caller.
[Alice presses the answer button on the phone]
David Horton : [Over the phone] Vicar, is that you?
Geraldine Granger : It is indeed! Is that David Horton, local Councillor, Chairman of the Parish?
David Horton : You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.
Geraldine Granger : David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually...
David Horton : I'm cancelling. I'm sorry, I don't want that Alice moron asking me damned fool questions.
[Geraldine glances over at Alice]
Geraldine Granger : [Sternly] David...
David Horton : And it's no good telling me that you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview!
[the others are taken aback]
David Horton : They're idiots to a man. Have to cancel, talk to you later.
Geraldine Granger : Er, David. Just before you go. Just between you and me, how are your haemorrhoids?
David Horton : Well... they're terrible if you must know.
Geraldine Granger : Aww. Really painful, very embarrassing? A little bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
David Horton : Yes. Well, it is actually - my lavatory hasn't known what's hit it in the last few weeks.
Geraldine Granger : Aww, aww. Well... thank you, David *Haemorrhoid* Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio phone in!
[She smiles smugly]
Geraldine Granger : Anything else you'd like to add?
[Long pause]
David Horton : [Disguising his voice] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice!
[Geraldine sighs]
David Horton : Bet I had you all fooled, eh?
[laughs]