The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)
Dibley Live (1998)
Gary Waldhorn: David Horton
Quotes
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[first lines]
David Horton : Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
Owen Newitt : Yes, tear it up.
David Horton : I beg your pardon?
Owen Newitt : Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
Jim Trott : No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
Geraldine Granger : No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
Jim Trott : Yes, that is Wimbledon.
David Horton : Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
Geraldine Granger : We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
David Horton : Is that right?
Geraldine Granger : Remember Denfield?
David Horton : Well, how could one forget those poor people?
Hugo Horton : Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
Geraldine Granger : And they came fifty-third.
David Horton : Point taken.
[crumples the form]
David Horton : Let's forget it.
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Geraldine Granger : I think we have a caller on Line 1! Hello, caller.
[Alice presses the answer button on the phone]
David Horton : [Over the phone] Vicar, is that you?
Geraldine Granger : It is indeed! Is that David Horton, local Councillor, Chairman of the Parish?
David Horton : You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.
Geraldine Granger : David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually...
David Horton : I'm cancelling. I'm sorry, I don't want that Alice moron asking me damned fool questions.
[Geraldine glances over at Alice]
Geraldine Granger : [Sternly] David...
David Horton : And it's no good telling me that you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview!
[the others are taken aback]
David Horton : They're idiots to a man. Have to cancel, talk to you later.
Geraldine Granger : Er, David. Just before you go. Just between you and me, how are your haemorrhoids?
David Horton : Well... they're terrible if you must know.
Geraldine Granger : Aww. Really painful, very embarrassing? A little bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
David Horton : Yes. Well, it is actually - my lavatory hasn't known what's hit it in the last few weeks.
Geraldine Granger : Aww, aww. Well... thank you, David *Haemorrhoid* Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio phone in!
[She smiles smugly]
Geraldine Granger : Anything else you'd like to add?
[Long pause]
David Horton : [Disguising his voice] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice!
[Geraldine sighs]
David Horton : Bet I had you all fooled, eh?
[laughs]