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Sex Game (2023)
Not the worst thing I've ever seen
I feel that everyone who worked on this should be quite proud of their efforts as it's so evident that this film is only really being held back by budgetary restrictions causing some people to do too much, as someone ike a dedicated editor or an audio engineer could truly elevate this film to great heights.
As for what we do get in the film, the two actors playing the couple are very good and quite believable, especially given the level of acting that would usually be expected in a film like this.
The main negative of this film, besides the myriad of technical issues, is the annoying streamer that just randomly pops up.
Spider-Man: Lotus (2023)
At Least They Can't Monetise This
It's very clear that the director of this film is a very big fan of Sam Raimi, Racism and theft.
Pretty much any shot in this film that could be considered good is just a poor imitation of Raimi's vision from the 2000's, as is this version of Norman Osborne's voice as it is very clear that they are trying to imitate Willem Defoe's iconic performance.
Not only is this film beyond inspired by Raimi and quite small, but it also seems confused as to who Spider-Man actually is. Clearly the director wasn't able to take himself away from the Klan meetings enough to actually gain an understanding of who Spider-Man is as he chooses the worst parts of the comics to lift and his writing for Spider-Man has him using normal people as meat shields, it's so jarring.
Overall though, separating the art from the artist, this film is just boring. There are some limited moments where the director shows the he has a bit of talent about him, but the vast majority of the film is so dull as the terrible dialogue and direction cannot be saved by the mediocre to bad acting that is required to carry a movie like this.
Gran Turismo (2023)
Fire the Marketing
What an absolutely fun romp of a movie that was done a great disservice by its advertising campaigns. Unlike its very bad marketing would have you believe this is a great watch with an engaging story, anger inducing antagonists and some amazing acting performances, David Harbour is especially good as Jan's main guy. Orlando Bloom was also very good and Archie Madekwe should Sue the trailer house for displaying his performance as anything other than stellar. The movie has some problems of course, some of the CGI is abysmal and feels like it was a mix of bad CGI and wanting to make it look like a video game at all times, and the end result is really distracting. Also the movie loves to just abandon characters that could really go somewhere. Overall though, it's a great watch and I would highly recommend you ignore the trailers (that give away a weird amount of the plot) and go watch this film.
Not Okay (2022)
A film so bad my mum won't talk to me
This film was so bad that when I put it on one Thursday morning, my mum watching as well, when the movie finished she got up and told me that she blames me for putting this on and won't speak to me from now on.
I don't blame her.
The thing is that this film could have been good if it had actually focused on a survivor of an attack. The only thing that was actually any good was Mia Issac as Rowan Aldren, she absolutely killed it in this movie and her Spoken Word at the end is the only thing that stops the film from being garbage on a screen.
You just can't have a protagonist that insufferable, not have her learn anything and expect people to like the movie. The movie even warns you that the film is going to be spoiled by an unlikeable protagonist but it does nothing with that.
Thor: God of Thunder (2022)
Not Just Garbage, But Trash Too
Save yourself the time and just don't put this movie on, however bad you think this is going to be, it's worse.
This isn't a fun bad movie like the Asylum usually puts out, you know the ones, stuff like Sharknado, 2-headed shark attack etc. This is more like dragging your delicate body parts over a cheese grater for 1 hour and 20 minutes. Upon reflection that might be more fun.
The movie is just competent enough to make you think this could be a good film on a tight budget, but is just bad enough in every area to overshoot the "so bad it's good" territory to end up full circle again to just being bad.
TL;DR this film is bad and not in a good way.
Doctor Who: Robot of Sherwood (2014)
Worse Than Love & Monsters
Single-handedly and by far, the worst episode of Doctor Who since the show came back onto television in 2005, worse than; the Chibnall era, Kill the moon, the girl who died/woman who lived, fear her & Love and Monsters. Whatever low point that the show has been through, this beats it by quite some distance. For some reason, The Doctor (The oncoming storm, greatest warrior in the galaxy, lay of the time lords etc etc) is an irritating buffoon who has to be hand held by Clara as he and Robin Hood insult my hometown of Nottingham for 45 minutes (admittedly this may be clouding my judgement a bit/ a lot) Opening with an embarrassing Sword/Spoonfight, the episode somehow manages to find what is below rock bottom and fills the episode with excruciatingly dull nonsense that makes you yearn for the end (of all things) skipping past the dreadful filler we come to the abysmal ending where, laughably, they defeat the enemy with the power of friendship and magic gold that saves the world. Stunning atrocious episode with little value to even die hard nuwhovians, such as myself.
Empire of the Sharks (2017)
LOL
This movie has 1 good shot, everything else is just bad enough that it goes beyond funny bad, just straight back to bad.
Waste of £6, but good if you want to Chuck something terrible on in the background whilst you do something.
Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)
Good People Getting Tortured Is Not Funny
It's so infuriating to watch a film where two hard working people are trying to make a living but are forced to do horrible things and then get, literally, tortured by an ignorant child. I laughed like twice, one out of pure cringe but admittedly, once out of actual comedy.
The acting is bad, the sets are bad and some of the camera work looks weirdly amateur at times.
All in all, just watch the original and save yourself the pain.
Halloween Pussy Trap Kill Kill (2017)
A Brilliant Masterpiece From God Himself
I have watched many "so-bad-they-are-good" movies, this is by far the best one I have ever seen. Nothing makes sense, all the band die, the action is terrible, the editing is on or with 2012 KSI and it all comes together to make this glorious piece of art. This isn't merely a movie, this is a truly transcendent experience that must be undertaken by every sentient being in the universe.
Sound of Metal (2019)
Riz Ahmed Tour De Force In Acting
Watch this film. It is so genuinely good and Riz Ahmed is so phenomenal that you should watch the film just for him and him alone.
Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014)
This Film Made My Mother Hate Me (Briefly)
We put this film on during our family's: SO BAD IT'S GOOD FILM SATURDAY. Mid way through, about when the two sharks jumped 20,000 feet in the air to take out a plane, my mother looked at me as if to say "I disown you for making me watch this trash"
2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)
I Thought This Was Cute Until I Saw The Budget
I thought that this thing was good, until I saw that it was made for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. There is a nice amount of death and a charming practical shark, or at least it would be charming if it worked. The only saving grace is that both genders are showing a lot of skin so it somewhat holds your attention until you remember that the internet exists. Still it's better than some of the trite that the Asylum have put out like Jailbait and is arguably their best shark film bar Sharknado.
Llamageddon (2015)
I'm So Confused
I...Just...What? This is the single worst, most confusing film I have ever seen. To my friend who made me watch this: Cheers.
Megalodon (2018)
Uninteresting, Boring Piece of Dross
This boring mess is an ungodly abomination that will drain you of your life energy. Save your soul and avoid this terribl movie for your own sake.
Titanic II (2010)
Genuinely Awful
My soul may never spiritually recover from this. The film creates a new level of sucking as a film.
Stargate SG-1: The Gamekeeper (1998)
Very Well Shot
Quite possibly the best shot episode of Stargate, and the transition between the end and the beginning of a memory is fantastic. The story is a bit slow but well done.