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jennine-hill3
Reviews
The Dyatlov Pass Incident (2013)
They should have strapped this DVD to "an exploding Ukrainian mountain goat" and smacked it on the rear end.
The best part of this film was the haribo tangfastics I ate during it. I even ate the ones with the gooey white stuff on the back, I don't usually like these but I think my body was desperately trying to fill the vacuum caused by my lack of entertainment satisfaction.
Thanks to this movie being shot in first person, you are able to experience this gap year from hell first hand. Stuck in an entourage of irritating American uni students, who end each sentence with an inflection, you begin your journey into the Russian tundra. Don't worry, as expected you will meet a chap named Sergei and another named Yuri along the way, wouldn't want to miss out on any of those valuable clichés now would we? You spend half the film waiting for something to happen. Unfortunately apart from an easily missed but cleverly shot, background image of something creepy in the hills, nothing really does happen for the vast majority of the film. Alas you trudge on through your gap year experience, wishing you'd just gone to Ibiza with the guys from the other college, secretly hoping that your commitment to a film in which the actors seem more bored than you feel will eventually pay off with some freaky bad guys.
And you are rewarded. With the same CGI prowess of a PS1 programmer. Crash bandicoot was more graphically impressive than this band of losers. Now, I hold my hands up as one of the WORST pillow hiders of the cinematic appreciative variety. I will cover my eyes, scream when the phone rings and shout things at the screen to reassure myself (she is just an actress, she doesn't really come out the TV!) However, even I merely raised the brow of disdain at the object of "terror" in this film.
That aside the IDEA well the idea was good. In rough, plotted out on the back of a restaurant napkin I would have said "boys lets make this bad boy into a movie" but the finished result left me bored for on hour and ten minutes then somewhat irritated, frustrated and craving a good old bash on old school tomb raider for the remainder.
My advice give it a miss. Read a book, ring your Nan, learn how to crochet. This film is a waste of time.
The Haunting of Helena (2012)
Acting so bad it made me want to pull me own teeth out.
Picture this, a blockbuster employee locked in an immobilizing state of flux. Poised between genres, DVD in hand. Then he takes the first tantalizing steps, he is no fool. For he has actually watched "the haunting of Helena" and is not swayed by the devilishly frightening front cover (that which pulled me in I'm afraid) Carefully placing the DVD upon the shelves labeled "comedy" The Blockbuster employee walks away, satisfied at a job well done.
The haunting of Helena is not an awful watch really, that being said it is not at all a horror. It fits into a category better described as "horredy". A horror so poorly conducted that it causes genuine hilarity and thus through a great accident manages to become mildly entertaining.
The protagonist, so memorable her name is in fact one of the only character names I cannot recall, is (for want of a better description) a big wet lettuce. She whines so much it's no wonder her life is in danger all the time, I wanted to kill her too, I would have at least put a measure of effort into making my crimes somewhat scary. The film starts in a promising way, I was impressed by the first scare tactic which took away from the typical "false scare real scare" that is so over used these days. But generally there are a lot of unnecessary over-complications to the plot. I am still unsure as to why the militia were ever involved in anything? Also. Who cut that child's hair? Now that's truly horrendous.