Anytime you come across a comedy that's well written, superbly acted and delivered, and really funny to boot, it's a treat. Unfortunately, `The Bachelor,' directed by Gary Sinyor, is not one of them. Beginning with the voice-over narration of star Chris O'Donnell, which draws an inane analogy between young, single, American males and wild mustangs, and on through the rest of the contrivances of the lame story, right to the end, this movie is a disaster. Right out of the gate, it breaks the first rule of successful comedy: Play it straight, and they will laugh. O'Donnell reads the narrative in a lilting, sing-song manner that plays down to the audience; it implies, `This is funny, you can laugh now.' Never mind that it isn't funny, that there's nothing at all in what he's saying that makes you want to laugh. The intent, I believe, with this movie, was to make a romantic comedy; what they ended up with is the most unromantic drivel you can possibly imagine. When Jimmie Shannon (O'Donnell) asks his girlfriend of three years, Anne (Renee Zellweger), to marry him, she turns him down because his proposal is so crass; the worst ever made. Ironically, it comes in one of the worst scenes possibly ever filmed. Watching it takes you out of the story and almost makes you embarrassed for the actors. The next day, Jimmie's grandfather (Peter Ustinov) dies and leaves him over one hundred million dollars, provided he is married by 6:05 p.m. (the time he was born) on his thirtieth birthday, which happens to be in `Twenty-seven hours and change.' Since the girl he loves has given him the gate (and rightfully so, because this guy is a real jerk) he spends the rest of the movie contacting old girlfriends, trying to find one who is willing to marry him. And for the audience, it makes for nothing more than one long, make that LONG, endurance test. O'Donnell brings nothing to the character of Jimmie; he is merely boring and tiresome. Talk about a less than sympathetic character. Renee Zellweger, whose career has been on a roll since `Jerry MaGuire' goes into a tailspin here. She does her best with what she has to work with, but it's not enough. That there's no chemistry between Anne and Jimmie is not her fault; O'Donnell is just so unappealing in this role, he couldn't make sparks with a flint. The talented supporting cast, which includes Hal Holbrook (O'Dell), Ed Asner (Gluckman), James Cromwell (Priest), Artie Lange (Marco) and Marley Shelton (Natalie) is wasted here, as well. Mariah Carey makes a brief, inauspicious appearance as one of Jimmie's former girlfriends, Ilana, in a scene better for all concerned had it wound up on the cutting room floor. The single high point (if you can call it that) amid all of this dreck, is the scene in which Brooke Shields turns in a notable performance as Buckley, another of Jimmie's girlfriends. She plays her with an aloofness that actually makes her endearing; and to find that in the midst of this film is a minor triumph. To put it as succinctly as possible, this is a bad movie. There's not a laugh to be had, and even the attempted slapstick and sight gags fall short, which proves that nothing can save a project that begins with a screenplay as acerbic and obtuse as this one. Personally, I refuse to walk out on even the worst movies, or to even turn off a video without sticking it out to the bitter end; it's like a code I live by. With this film, though, I must confess, I honestly came as close as I ever have to breaking my own rule. I rate this one 2/10.
Review of The Bachelor
