ALL MY REVIEWS CONTAIN SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.
First, they made Coleco-Vision. Then they made Turbo Grafix. But now the makers of PlayStation 2 bring you The Hulk, or as I like to call it, "Angry Shrek." Of course, this is sarcasm, I don't know what animation team created The Hulk, but whoever they are, they should be fired. I don't mean fired from their jobs, I mean fired by a firing squad. They were right to drop the "Incredible" from the title, because this Hulk is anything but. This big green guy was about as menacing as Sprout from the Green Giant ads. Drop Dead Fred was scarier than this animated feature passing as good CGI.
Good CGI is Starship Troopers. Bad CGI is The Hulk. Good action is Speed. Bad action is The Hulk. Challenging foes are the dinosaurs King Kong faced. Bad foes are the gamma ray infected dogs The Hulk faced. Dogs? Dogs?? This scene wasn't even funny accidentally. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. That movie Congo must now pass its torch-- we finally have animals that look more fake and are even less scary. And that "puny human" scene...let's talk about that. No wait, we'll get to that later.
I should have known the movie was in trouble when I realized the star was some guy nobody ever heard of named Eric Bana. But I gave the film the benefit of the doubt because after all, Christopher Reeve and Mark Hamill were both unknowns when their blockbusters came out (and ironically, they both still are.) But this movie started bad and got worse. The first 10 minutes move at a crappy lightning pace, and the comic book directing style gets old and annoying very quickly. Watching the movie was like sliding down a razor blade nude...and to cool off, landing in an alcohol river.
Nick Nolte plays a (mad) scientist and father of Bruce Banner. Nolte has experimented with his DNA against lab policy, and he is banished. He then goes nuts and does something to his wife that isn't shown, and we don't care. Jennifer Connelly plays Betty Ross, a fellow scientist and colleague of Bruce's. Take a guess if a love affair between them ensues.
To make a long story short, which this movie is firmly against, Bruce gets infected with gamma rays and that causes him to become a big Hulk whenever he gets mad. But that's hardly the problem with this movie. The problem is the fact that Kangaroo Jack looks more real than The Hulk. And how about that "puny human" scene? Oh, God. Bruce has a dream that the Hulk grabs him by the throat and says "PUNY HUMAN." It is easily the worst scene of the film. Even worse than the scene where The Hulk, or as I like to say, Angry Shrek, fights off more animated dogs in a never ending scene.
Another never ending scene is the climax, or as I like to say, Bouncing Banner. The Hulk bounces like a Superball for the last 45 minutes of the movie and it isn't even in a city. It's in a desert. At least a city would make it more exciting, but The Hulk bounces for 45 minutes throughout a non-scenic desert and it wears thin very quickly. Then the military comes and tries to destroy the Hulk, Nick Nolte is captured as well and becomes some strange electro-super monster that isn't even explained. He then fights The Hulk in a final duel and of course, the Hulk wins. After all, we need a sequel. Bruce then ends up in Columbia somewhere speaking Spanish and then says in espanol the famous Bill Bixby quote, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." And if you don't wish to know the ending of the movie, don't read anything I just wrote.
Sam Elliot is also in the movie, as a General and father of Betty Ross. But he trimmed down his push-broom, so you hardly recognize him. Ang Lee, helloooo. I only like my Sam Elliot in hillbilly mode, thank you very much. And Lou Ferrigno has a "don't blink or you'll miss him" cameo and in that small scene alone, he is ten times more frightening than the actual Hulk. Sure, they gave him a security uniform 4 sizes too small, but he looks like if he punched you, you'd be seeing pink hearts, yellow moons, orange clovers, and green diamonds. At just the sight of him, I felt like such a puny human. God in heaven, what a bad movie.
Zero out of 5.
First, they made Coleco-Vision. Then they made Turbo Grafix. But now the makers of PlayStation 2 bring you The Hulk, or as I like to call it, "Angry Shrek." Of course, this is sarcasm, I don't know what animation team created The Hulk, but whoever they are, they should be fired. I don't mean fired from their jobs, I mean fired by a firing squad. They were right to drop the "Incredible" from the title, because this Hulk is anything but. This big green guy was about as menacing as Sprout from the Green Giant ads. Drop Dead Fred was scarier than this animated feature passing as good CGI.
Good CGI is Starship Troopers. Bad CGI is The Hulk. Good action is Speed. Bad action is The Hulk. Challenging foes are the dinosaurs King Kong faced. Bad foes are the gamma ray infected dogs The Hulk faced. Dogs? Dogs?? This scene wasn't even funny accidentally. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. That movie Congo must now pass its torch-- we finally have animals that look more fake and are even less scary. And that "puny human" scene...let's talk about that. No wait, we'll get to that later.
I should have known the movie was in trouble when I realized the star was some guy nobody ever heard of named Eric Bana. But I gave the film the benefit of the doubt because after all, Christopher Reeve and Mark Hamill were both unknowns when their blockbusters came out (and ironically, they both still are.) But this movie started bad and got worse. The first 10 minutes move at a crappy lightning pace, and the comic book directing style gets old and annoying very quickly. Watching the movie was like sliding down a razor blade nude...and to cool off, landing in an alcohol river.
Nick Nolte plays a (mad) scientist and father of Bruce Banner. Nolte has experimented with his DNA against lab policy, and he is banished. He then goes nuts and does something to his wife that isn't shown, and we don't care. Jennifer Connelly plays Betty Ross, a fellow scientist and colleague of Bruce's. Take a guess if a love affair between them ensues.
To make a long story short, which this movie is firmly against, Bruce gets infected with gamma rays and that causes him to become a big Hulk whenever he gets mad. But that's hardly the problem with this movie. The problem is the fact that Kangaroo Jack looks more real than The Hulk. And how about that "puny human" scene? Oh, God. Bruce has a dream that the Hulk grabs him by the throat and says "PUNY HUMAN." It is easily the worst scene of the film. Even worse than the scene where The Hulk, or as I like to say, Angry Shrek, fights off more animated dogs in a never ending scene.
Another never ending scene is the climax, or as I like to say, Bouncing Banner. The Hulk bounces like a Superball for the last 45 minutes of the movie and it isn't even in a city. It's in a desert. At least a city would make it more exciting, but The Hulk bounces for 45 minutes throughout a non-scenic desert and it wears thin very quickly. Then the military comes and tries to destroy the Hulk, Nick Nolte is captured as well and becomes some strange electro-super monster that isn't even explained. He then fights The Hulk in a final duel and of course, the Hulk wins. After all, we need a sequel. Bruce then ends up in Columbia somewhere speaking Spanish and then says in espanol the famous Bill Bixby quote, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." And if you don't wish to know the ending of the movie, don't read anything I just wrote.
Sam Elliot is also in the movie, as a General and father of Betty Ross. But he trimmed down his push-broom, so you hardly recognize him. Ang Lee, helloooo. I only like my Sam Elliot in hillbilly mode, thank you very much. And Lou Ferrigno has a "don't blink or you'll miss him" cameo and in that small scene alone, he is ten times more frightening than the actual Hulk. Sure, they gave him a security uniform 4 sizes too small, but he looks like if he punched you, you'd be seeing pink hearts, yellow moons, orange clovers, and green diamonds. At just the sight of him, I felt like such a puny human. God in heaven, what a bad movie.
Zero out of 5.