Dear Ms. Halle Berry:
After watching Gothika earlier this year I wrote you a letter detailing my bewilderment with your film choices after so historically taking home an Academy Award for your role in Monster's Ball. My letter detailed how I felt you should have used your new bargaining power to solidify yourself amongst the great non-white actors of any era.
I can only assume that my letter did not hit its target as I have just had the displeasure of watching your new big screen dud, Catwoman.
Let me first say that I was intrigued upon first hearing about the role and when I saw the production stills of you in your Catwoman outfit, I became rather weak at the knees. After seeing your body in Monster's Ball and in Swordfish, I had the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end at the notion of you in a leather outfit with strategic rips throughout and a whip that would make you my first call of choice had I ever been in peril and needed a superhero s.t.a.t.
I wasn't keen on the Catwoman character however. I was a religious watcher of the campy Batman television serial and the Catwoman villain as played by Julie Newmar and perfected by Ertha Kitt and I thought Catwoman was best on a show that didn't take itself seriously as, let's face it, having claws and a whip as your weapons of choice are kinda comical.
But a funny thing happened, Michelle Pfeiffer had a kick at the suit in 1992's Batman Returns and although the movie was a major disappointment and the character still seemed stale, I was at least intrigued by the woman behind the suit.
To make a long letter shorter, I then held out the smallest glimpse of hope for your entry. Then I had the unfortunate occurrence of seeing the trailer. What led you to this role I wondered. The script revealed nothing that would lead me to believe that this was a good career choice. In short, a woman who is the prettiest, most polite individual this side of both oceans, happens upon a corporate conspiracy of her employer, Hedare Beauty. A result of her findings, she is left for dead, but resurrects as someone who feels comfortable wearing leather and donning nails that leave marks on lovers that would make Freddy Krueger weep in appreciation. After settling a few gripes, she goes after the corporation heads while trying to maintain a relationship with her new boyfriend cop played rather naively by Benjamin Bratt.
Hmm, a revenge film where someone comes back from near death to use their new athletic ability acquired in their coma state into a world of hurt for all those that get in the way. Well, that has never been done before has it?
For the first time in almost five months, the theatre patrons did not bug me during your film. Usually, I am the unlucky sonofabitch that always seems to find the group of people either in front or behind that have no theatre manners. Just my luck, during Catwoman, the audience was silent (except of course for the roar of laughter that I am sure was unintended at certain points in the movie). Maybe in awe of the sheer audaciousness of the venture or maybe showing signs of embarrassment for you, barely a snore could be heard. I have never so much wanted to listen to someone talk about his or her golf game on the weekend during a film in many many a cat's life.
So, Ms. Berry before I wrote you regarding my lack of understanding as to your choices. This time, I am writing to you asking for my money back. The only good thing in Catwoman is your outfit and you took too long to adorn said costume. The special effects were the jerkiest I have seen this side of the new millennium and had it not been for Sharon Stone and a few good biting comments, I probably would have used my pen to start slashing the screen. Not being able to blame the director (someone named Pitof that had as much experience behind the camera as I have had between the sheets), I must apply the full 100% of my angst towards you.
I leave it here at peace in hopes that Catwoman does not have 9-lives. From the reaction to the audience, I expect this made-for-Mystery-Science-Theatre waste of time will end up on video before you could lick up a bowl of milk with your hands behind you back.
Come to think of it, THAT I would have paid for.
www.gregsrants.com
After watching Gothika earlier this year I wrote you a letter detailing my bewilderment with your film choices after so historically taking home an Academy Award for your role in Monster's Ball. My letter detailed how I felt you should have used your new bargaining power to solidify yourself amongst the great non-white actors of any era.
I can only assume that my letter did not hit its target as I have just had the displeasure of watching your new big screen dud, Catwoman.
Let me first say that I was intrigued upon first hearing about the role and when I saw the production stills of you in your Catwoman outfit, I became rather weak at the knees. After seeing your body in Monster's Ball and in Swordfish, I had the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end at the notion of you in a leather outfit with strategic rips throughout and a whip that would make you my first call of choice had I ever been in peril and needed a superhero s.t.a.t.
I wasn't keen on the Catwoman character however. I was a religious watcher of the campy Batman television serial and the Catwoman villain as played by Julie Newmar and perfected by Ertha Kitt and I thought Catwoman was best on a show that didn't take itself seriously as, let's face it, having claws and a whip as your weapons of choice are kinda comical.
But a funny thing happened, Michelle Pfeiffer had a kick at the suit in 1992's Batman Returns and although the movie was a major disappointment and the character still seemed stale, I was at least intrigued by the woman behind the suit.
To make a long letter shorter, I then held out the smallest glimpse of hope for your entry. Then I had the unfortunate occurrence of seeing the trailer. What led you to this role I wondered. The script revealed nothing that would lead me to believe that this was a good career choice. In short, a woman who is the prettiest, most polite individual this side of both oceans, happens upon a corporate conspiracy of her employer, Hedare Beauty. A result of her findings, she is left for dead, but resurrects as someone who feels comfortable wearing leather and donning nails that leave marks on lovers that would make Freddy Krueger weep in appreciation. After settling a few gripes, she goes after the corporation heads while trying to maintain a relationship with her new boyfriend cop played rather naively by Benjamin Bratt.
Hmm, a revenge film where someone comes back from near death to use their new athletic ability acquired in their coma state into a world of hurt for all those that get in the way. Well, that has never been done before has it?
For the first time in almost five months, the theatre patrons did not bug me during your film. Usually, I am the unlucky sonofabitch that always seems to find the group of people either in front or behind that have no theatre manners. Just my luck, during Catwoman, the audience was silent (except of course for the roar of laughter that I am sure was unintended at certain points in the movie). Maybe in awe of the sheer audaciousness of the venture or maybe showing signs of embarrassment for you, barely a snore could be heard. I have never so much wanted to listen to someone talk about his or her golf game on the weekend during a film in many many a cat's life.
So, Ms. Berry before I wrote you regarding my lack of understanding as to your choices. This time, I am writing to you asking for my money back. The only good thing in Catwoman is your outfit and you took too long to adorn said costume. The special effects were the jerkiest I have seen this side of the new millennium and had it not been for Sharon Stone and a few good biting comments, I probably would have used my pen to start slashing the screen. Not being able to blame the director (someone named Pitof that had as much experience behind the camera as I have had between the sheets), I must apply the full 100% of my angst towards you.
I leave it here at peace in hopes that Catwoman does not have 9-lives. From the reaction to the audience, I expect this made-for-Mystery-Science-Theatre waste of time will end up on video before you could lick up a bowl of milk with your hands behind you back.
Come to think of it, THAT I would have paid for.
www.gregsrants.com