To say that this Jesus blew righteous chunks is to insult the blowing of chunks everywhere. Hubby and I lasted five minutes with the bad Jesus movie, during which time we groaned, we laughed, we mocked the production values. I know you're dying of curiosity, so let me just highlight a few aspects of Really Bad Jesus Movies and How to Avoid Them.
1. "Holy" does not equal "Constipated." Bear this in mind while watching.
2. If the actor's idea of Jesus involves a lot of turning his face into the light and attempting to look "beatific" WHILE playing the Son of God as an irrevocably constipated surfer-dude, change the channel.
3. A man whose personal charisma induced people to fundamentally change their lives and beliefs probably didn't deliver his sermons like Al Gore on 'ludes. Also, see #1 above for further clarification.
4. If the production values for the Walking on Water scene resemble something filmed in your bathtub, change the channel. Also, if the Walking on Water scene reminds you of the old Cars video for "It's Magic," just give up and go to bed.
5. I am fairly certain that the inhabitants of the Holy Land did not punctuate every utterance by either flailing their arms, rolling their eyes beseechingly heavenward, or dropping to their knees.
6. Overwrought soundtrack? Why yes, yes it is. NEXT!
7. Lots of eyeliner = visual shorthand for morally compromised. See: Mary Magdalene and Judas. It makes you want to yell at the screen: "No, Jesus! Don't trust him! Don't you see he's just a shill for Mary Kay? This can only end badly!"
8. Language--for folks brought up with the King James version, hearing classic Biblical quotes spoken as, "you have little faith," makes you long for Aramaic.
9. The soft focus and back lighting. Please. It's just too Touched By An Angel to be taken seriously. Holy. We GET IT.
10. Repeat after me: Jesus? Not a hippy. I know he wore robes and sandals and had longish hair and a beard, but there's a difference between period-appropriate costuming and hippie wear. The former actually involves some grooming.
There. I hope my list will be helpful to you, particularly in the two weeks before Easter, when Jesuses (Jesii?) will be everywhere. Watch at your own risk.
1. "Holy" does not equal "Constipated." Bear this in mind while watching.
2. If the actor's idea of Jesus involves a lot of turning his face into the light and attempting to look "beatific" WHILE playing the Son of God as an irrevocably constipated surfer-dude, change the channel.
3. A man whose personal charisma induced people to fundamentally change their lives and beliefs probably didn't deliver his sermons like Al Gore on 'ludes. Also, see #1 above for further clarification.
4. If the production values for the Walking on Water scene resemble something filmed in your bathtub, change the channel. Also, if the Walking on Water scene reminds you of the old Cars video for "It's Magic," just give up and go to bed.
5. I am fairly certain that the inhabitants of the Holy Land did not punctuate every utterance by either flailing their arms, rolling their eyes beseechingly heavenward, or dropping to their knees.
6. Overwrought soundtrack? Why yes, yes it is. NEXT!
7. Lots of eyeliner = visual shorthand for morally compromised. See: Mary Magdalene and Judas. It makes you want to yell at the screen: "No, Jesus! Don't trust him! Don't you see he's just a shill for Mary Kay? This can only end badly!"
8. Language--for folks brought up with the King James version, hearing classic Biblical quotes spoken as, "you have little faith," makes you long for Aramaic.
9. The soft focus and back lighting. Please. It's just too Touched By An Angel to be taken seriously. Holy. We GET IT.
10. Repeat after me: Jesus? Not a hippy. I know he wore robes and sandals and had longish hair and a beard, but there's a difference between period-appropriate costuming and hippie wear. The former actually involves some grooming.
There. I hope my list will be helpful to you, particularly in the two weeks before Easter, when Jesuses (Jesii?) will be everywhere. Watch at your own risk.