Review of Conan the Destroyer

-SPOILERS BELOW- God what a letdown. First I gotta say i LOVED Conan the Barbarian, probably my 2nd favorite movie of all time. It was well written and well directed. The characters were convincing. They were dirty and unkempt. They looked fearsome...and best of all, THEY COULD ACT! Sadly this on has none of these elements. Its pure eighties cheese. They traded the realistic, dirty, dark look for oiled muscles, clean looking b movie outfits, and feathered hair. The acting is the essence of wooden. While the thief in the first movie was somewhat fearsome, his counterpart in this is a ridiculous coward that does not fit at all (and whats with the New Yawkish accent?). The first was set in a believably asianesque/mongolian setting. This is apparently set in some sort of fantasy kingdom (where are the elves??). And I got to say (SPOILER) the Ice castle was ridiculous, and the wizard Conan battles in the hall of mirrors looks like he bought his mask at the mall during discount days. Throwing Grace Jones at this movie doesn't make it any better, and Wilt Chamberlin as a character makes about as much sense as casting Shaq in Lord Of The Rings. The God/Beast battle at the end is mildly cool, but far too little too late. This movie just feels thoroughly watered down, hollywoodized, and neutered. Fans of the original, or anyone for that matter, avoid this rubbish unless you are having your own do it yourself Mystery Science Theater episode at home. It really is that bad :(