Review of Beowulf

Beowulf (1999)
4/10
Come on, people, dance, not fight!
4 December 2005
The future of fantasy never looked so dark! Christopher Lambert gets to fight the evil demon Grendel in this grim looking trashy fantasy-epos. "Epos" I said? Er... there's only one location, so you can't really call it an epic adventure, can you? The location is a medieval/futuristic 5 inch tall castle, so how did they manage to cram in all the actors? Oh, I get it, those where special effects. A miniature. Silly me.

Here's some reasons why you might want or NOT want to watch this motion picture:

  • Lambert gets to do his sword-swinging tricks over again like he did in Highlander.


  • The sets and costumes are amazingly cool (if you're a 12-year-old).


  • Rhona Mitra has a voluptuous pair of knockers which she likes to show off through-out the whole movie.


  • ...er, Christopher Lambert has white hair...


  • Every time they start fighting, this over-the-top raving techno-soundtrack gets going. So why are these medieval slayer-dudes fighting while they should be dancing.


  • They don't have electricity in this castle but they do have speakers installed which seem to work fine. So where's the amplifier? I guess they borrowed it from the techno-dj who delivered the soundtrack.


  • Watch it for the climax in the end which features an outrageous demonoïd CGI creature coming straight out of any Playstation 2 survival-horror game.


If all this got you interested, then go watch it (at your own risk), but don't tell anyone I told you to. I strongly suspect Pinhead visiting the set while shooting, because this movie has no soul. Anyway, if you want to see beautiful Rohna Mitra really show some skin, then watch Paul Verhoeven's HOLLOW MAN.
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