House of the Dead 2 (2005 TV Movie)
Bad, Bland, and Boring?
19 February 2006
I'm reluctant to inform the reader that House of the Dead 2 is an improvement over the first film because that implies that HotD2 is a more enjoyable experience. This is not the case.

The original was a spectacular failure. It was like watching a horrible fireworks accident that set Uwe Boll on fire, and he ran around in circles with sparks and flames and pretty colors going everywhere. Tragic? Yes, but highly entertaining in a sick twisted way. House of the Dead 2 is just a dud that falls over. It's awful *and* boring.

Although, it does have a few moments that arise to the Boll standard of "what the hell?" Such as when our hero smears zombie guts all over his body so the zombies can't identify him as living, which leads to the only scene in the film (or any zombie film) where we see Zombies sniffing around.

I personally loved how proficient these zombies where at knocking guns from the main character's hands. These zombies were well, trained, ladies and gentlemen. They were very well trained. It felt like something out of that Playstation game, "Nightmare Creatures." The zombies would stagger, Romero style, and then on cue run in and rip the guns from the good guys hands. Although, bear in mind, I'm making it sound more interesting than it really is.

Beyond the moments described above, there's only a handful of other entertaining points (zombie football, anyone?). The majority of the film is irritatingly cliché and flat out uninteresting. From the camera setups, to the pacing, to the sets, to the lighting, to the locations, to the editing, to the music – every aspect of this film droned on with the intensity of a metronome. It's painfully apparent that this was a micro budget production.

I'll give the film the benefit of the doubt and inform the reader that House of the Dead 2 intends to be campy, but apparently it doesn't know how to get there. It has characters who are laughably unaware of their environment, making statements like "we can't get through the air vent on this side" nevermind the plethora of materials in the background that would make great make-shift tools. But yes, they find the chalk-board so they can outline (NFL game plan style) the single stupidest plan they could have possibly conceived. Like I said, everything is in place for House of the Dead 2 to be a great campy film . . . except it's slightly confused on exactly how to get to camp-land.

That and House of the Dead 2 is still boring. This is because at no point does the audience feel like the actions in the movie mean anything. While HotD2 is trying to be campy horror, it fails and in the process of failing it demolishes any sense that this zombie infestation poses any kind of threat to anyone. "Oh no! The zombies are going to eat the cannon fodder!" That just isn't intimidating. It could be funny, except: House of the Dead 2 is so friggin' boring.

In an effort to inject a sense of impending doom and intensity in the film, the plot revolves around the idea that the zombie infested campus will be blown up sometime the next morning. ("Oh no! The cannon fodder might get blown up!") So our hero and heroine have to accomplish their mission before the countdown reaches zero; however, the film and all the characters forget this almost immediately. Five minutes before detonation, they might as well be waiting in line for stamps at the post office. They don't seem to care about the countdown, so why should the audience? That and House of the Dead 2 is *still* boring.

What's worse? After our main characters accomplish their goal and acquire the zero-generation blood sample, they make their escape and lose that blood sample. It ain't over yet, folks. So now we get to watch the cannon fodder go back into the line of fire, and yes, it's just as boring this time around as it was before.

In closing, House of the Dead 2 is a superior film, but that, however, does not make it more watchable. If it weren't for the handful of priceless moments where the film reaches Uwe Boll levels of stupidity, it would have no entertainment value what-so-ever.
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