Terror Firmer (1999)
1/10
Terrible Troma trash.
5 January 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Terror Firmer, from B-movie outfit Troma, is a two-hour long attempt at being the most offensive movie ever. Packed into this trashy effort, from director and Troma head honcho Lloyd Kaufmann, is some of the most disgusting imagery ever committed to film. The trouble is, despite the inclusion of such 'delights' as an unborn baby being ripped from its mothers womb and poo eating, the most offensive thing about this movie is that it ever got made in the first place. All over the world, truly talented film-makers struggle to get their projects into production—meanwhile, Lloyd Kaufmann is regularly churning out reprehensible cack with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

I have to admit that I have never been a fan of Troma's output, finding it amateurish and juvenile in the extreme. Their films do have their followers, however, and I suspect that they will find Terror Firmer to be two hours of pure heaven. With practically no plot, very puerile humour (farts, puke, bodily fluids, willies, tits and bums etc), bucket-loads of unconvincing gore and a smattering of sex, your average moron will probably find this movie unmissable.

Starting off with a man being beaten to death with his own leg and the aforementioned foetus removal, the film quickly lets viewers know what to expect. Now I've no problems with sick humour and OTT gore (I've been a fan of Peter Jackson's movies since Bad Taste) but I do like to see some semblance of talent from those involved. Terror Firmer may be extremely violent and outrageous, but with some truly dismal effects, dreadful humour, awful acting, an annoying cast, and no attempt at a coherent narrative (at least until very near the end), this film is something of a challenge to sit through.

The plot, for what it's worth, goes something like this: Larry Benjamin (Lloyd Kaufman), a blind director for Troma is making the latest Toxic Avenger movie. Unfortunately, a psycho killer is bumping off the cast and crew in various grisly ways, making completing the film slightly tricky. The nut-job responsible for the murders turns out to be the film's boom operator, Casey (Will Keenan), a hermaphrodite who had his/her penis cut off by his/her father (played by porn star, Ron Jeremy), who just wanted a little girl so he could abuse her. This has understandably unbalanced Casey mentally, resulting in him/her going completely gaga.

I tried to like this film for its excesses, I really did, but by the end credits I felt like I just wanted to hurt everyone involved in the making of this worthless garbage.
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