"Nineteen Eighty Four" director Michael Radford's minor romantic crime thriller "B. Monkey" chronicles the stormy relationship between an impulsive female cat burglar and a conventional male school teacher. Dario Argento's super sexy daughter Asia plays the eponymous character with relish in this beautifully photographed, well-acted, but ultimately forgettable epic. Indeed, you'll have trouble keeping your eyes off the lovely Asia who shows no qualms about showing off her delectable body in tastefully lensed full frontal nudity. An assortment of criminals floats into and out of her life as she struggles like an old western gunfighter to cease her life of crime. Beatrice explains in voice over narration how she came to acquire her name: "I can get into anything." One day in a pub, a lonely English teacher at a primary school, Alan (Jared Harris) approaches Beatrice. Initially, she rebuffs him because she neither knows nor trusts him. Finally, Alan convinces Beatrice that he poses no threat to her so she agrees to a date the following evening at eight and stands him up. Beatrice's low-life friends—they might be more accurately described as accomplices--include homosexual Paul (Rupert Everett of "Cemetery Man") cut from the same cloth as Noel Coward and a lunatic young hoodlum boyfriend, Bruno (Jonathan Rhys Meyers of "Ride With The Devil"), who is prepared to die for her. Meanwhile, ordinary Alan teaches by day and serves as a disc jockey by night at a local London hospital.
Eventually, Beatrice and Alan get together, but Beatrice discovers that the young school teacher cannot get it up. Whether Alan cannot gain an erection in the warm company of the comely Asia--who resembles a brunette Venus on a half-shell—or because he is too overwhelmed by her abrupt behavior is never established. Eventually, Asia gets him back into shape and the two fall in love. Anyway, Beatrice refuses to work for a local mobster, Frank (Tim Woodward), but complications arise that force her back into crime. Alan has trouble with a student who accuses him of slamming him against a wall after the student stabbed another student in the face with a pencil. The boy's surly mother prefers charges against Alan, but Beatrice and Bruno pay her a visit and change her mind. Naturally, Alan is outraged and manages to get another teaching job far out in the country. Beatrice leaves London and her friends, but she cannot truly leave them and the consequences of her criminal activities come back to haunt her in the wilderness.
The performances are tops and director Michael Radford keeps things moving along so the action never stalls out. The chief problem is that none of the characters are interesting. They are either goody-two shoes like Alan or obnoxious criminal types like Bruno. Radford stages a couple of credible jewelry heists, largely smash and grab affairs, and gives his average, unexceptional film more polish than it deserves. Those who must have happy endings will love "B. Monkey." This movie breaks the cliché about the ready-to-have sex mentality of men. When Beatrice knows that she is about to have sex with a guy, she jumps in bed and peels her clothes off quicker than the man can get his pants down. Typically, the man is the ready-to-have sex partner with the woman showing some reluctance. Again, aside from Asia's gorgeous body and some good acting, "B. Monkey" is like a banana peel. You watch this movie and you will feel like you've make a slip-up.
Eventually, Beatrice and Alan get together, but Beatrice discovers that the young school teacher cannot get it up. Whether Alan cannot gain an erection in the warm company of the comely Asia--who resembles a brunette Venus on a half-shell—or because he is too overwhelmed by her abrupt behavior is never established. Eventually, Asia gets him back into shape and the two fall in love. Anyway, Beatrice refuses to work for a local mobster, Frank (Tim Woodward), but complications arise that force her back into crime. Alan has trouble with a student who accuses him of slamming him against a wall after the student stabbed another student in the face with a pencil. The boy's surly mother prefers charges against Alan, but Beatrice and Bruno pay her a visit and change her mind. Naturally, Alan is outraged and manages to get another teaching job far out in the country. Beatrice leaves London and her friends, but she cannot truly leave them and the consequences of her criminal activities come back to haunt her in the wilderness.
The performances are tops and director Michael Radford keeps things moving along so the action never stalls out. The chief problem is that none of the characters are interesting. They are either goody-two shoes like Alan or obnoxious criminal types like Bruno. Radford stages a couple of credible jewelry heists, largely smash and grab affairs, and gives his average, unexceptional film more polish than it deserves. Those who must have happy endings will love "B. Monkey." This movie breaks the cliché about the ready-to-have sex mentality of men. When Beatrice knows that she is about to have sex with a guy, she jumps in bed and peels her clothes off quicker than the man can get his pants down. Typically, the man is the ready-to-have sex partner with the woman showing some reluctance. Again, aside from Asia's gorgeous body and some good acting, "B. Monkey" is like a banana peel. You watch this movie and you will feel like you've make a slip-up.