CONTAINS LOTS OF SPOILERS. But it's difficult to spoil a movie that's already rotten.
I picked up The Road hoping for some kind of bleak, postapocalyptic examination of the human condition. Maybe some kind of depth.
What did I get? A couple of whiny crybabies who never should've survived the doomsday even to begin with. I got a movie that masquerades as deep, and even convinces some people it is. And it's looooooooooong and by failures that disengage you from the characters, also boring.
Since it was post-apocalyptic, it delivered on the bleak, but to the point of disbelief. And it had Deliverance-style cannibals, complete with trucker hats. Why? Because it's a cheap way to make people dislike the villains. No, these aren't savage people who've resorted to cannibalism, in Hollywood's opinion, that's pretty much what everyone with a southern accent is like already. So they're just hicks with a big diesel truck who eat people. But Hollywood wasn't content with just ripping on poor white folks, as THE black guy in the movie is a thief whose dialog sounds positively antebellum. Our "hero" is a whiny man child who plays the piano and couldn't run his own household.
The main characters have random, unexplained motivations. Charlize Theron walks out "because she has to", the kid goes chasing down a boy he maybe sees "because he has to", and characters frequently do things for no apparent reason, with no rational motivation. And Viggo, intent on living, lets Charlize go running off to die why? Uh... because he has to?
Why shoot someone who's obviously a fellow traveler and not a cannibal? No reason. Why run away from a sealed, hidden bunker that's escaped detection for 10 years? No reason. Why always take the main roads and make yourself a target? No reason.
Why do the main characters, being chased by NASCAR cannibals, decide to light a bonfire everywhere they stop? With the sun and stars and moon obscured by bleak clouds 24/7, what would possess them to light a huge, highly visible fire every night? When they stumble on the cannibal captives, do they release the victims so as to make cover for their own escape, or possibly stop the cannibals? Nope. They seal 'em back up in the basement, and hang around outside to listen to them being eaten.
The kid falls over more than a bimbo in a horror flick, and has to be carried more than the luggage does (which looks a lot like Princess Vespa's luggage from Spaceballs). Despite an abundance of water, everyone's forgotten how to bathe, groom, or clothe themselves. Why? Meanwhile Viggo goes swimming like it's a Bond film. The film says it's gotten so cold out, yet the characters repeatedly expose themselves to hypothermia via swimming. Why again? Does the movie make any sense? Sure, if you're pretentious and can lie to yourself. Do the characters' motivations make any sense. No.
Why did they spend years in the cabin rather than go south to begin with? Not explained. Why does Charlize wander off to die? Because. Despite the lack of fuel, there seems to be forests of it standing around - did humans just forget how the steam engine works? Apparently.
The visuals are suitably bleak, but grow tiresome and obnoxious. There's just no point. For all the weak attempts at moralizing random things, it's as pretentious as the Matrix sequels, but there's no enjoyment to be had here.
The nonspecific doomsday isn't a big hangup. It just sets the stage for the morality play. But there isn't one to be found here. It really is a dull, plodding, slow, pointless film. The numerous bonehead moves the characters make - almost all due to bad writing - separate the audience from the characters and rather quickly, and thus there's no reason to care. There's only hope that the next scene offers something of interest in the setting. Even with a lot of use of fastforward, it still drags.
You'd be better off watching The Postman, Mad Max, or A Boy And His Dog. Waterworld is gills and shoulders above this pretentious turkey. Heck, even Robot Holocaust and Defcon 4 were better than The Road.
Or better yet, go read Orson Scott Card's "The Folk of the Fringe", for a good postapocalyptic journey/pilgrimage book.
I picked up The Road hoping for some kind of bleak, postapocalyptic examination of the human condition. Maybe some kind of depth.
What did I get? A couple of whiny crybabies who never should've survived the doomsday even to begin with. I got a movie that masquerades as deep, and even convinces some people it is. And it's looooooooooong and by failures that disengage you from the characters, also boring.
Since it was post-apocalyptic, it delivered on the bleak, but to the point of disbelief. And it had Deliverance-style cannibals, complete with trucker hats. Why? Because it's a cheap way to make people dislike the villains. No, these aren't savage people who've resorted to cannibalism, in Hollywood's opinion, that's pretty much what everyone with a southern accent is like already. So they're just hicks with a big diesel truck who eat people. But Hollywood wasn't content with just ripping on poor white folks, as THE black guy in the movie is a thief whose dialog sounds positively antebellum. Our "hero" is a whiny man child who plays the piano and couldn't run his own household.
The main characters have random, unexplained motivations. Charlize Theron walks out "because she has to", the kid goes chasing down a boy he maybe sees "because he has to", and characters frequently do things for no apparent reason, with no rational motivation. And Viggo, intent on living, lets Charlize go running off to die why? Uh... because he has to?
Why shoot someone who's obviously a fellow traveler and not a cannibal? No reason. Why run away from a sealed, hidden bunker that's escaped detection for 10 years? No reason. Why always take the main roads and make yourself a target? No reason.
Why do the main characters, being chased by NASCAR cannibals, decide to light a bonfire everywhere they stop? With the sun and stars and moon obscured by bleak clouds 24/7, what would possess them to light a huge, highly visible fire every night? When they stumble on the cannibal captives, do they release the victims so as to make cover for their own escape, or possibly stop the cannibals? Nope. They seal 'em back up in the basement, and hang around outside to listen to them being eaten.
The kid falls over more than a bimbo in a horror flick, and has to be carried more than the luggage does (which looks a lot like Princess Vespa's luggage from Spaceballs). Despite an abundance of water, everyone's forgotten how to bathe, groom, or clothe themselves. Why? Meanwhile Viggo goes swimming like it's a Bond film. The film says it's gotten so cold out, yet the characters repeatedly expose themselves to hypothermia via swimming. Why again? Does the movie make any sense? Sure, if you're pretentious and can lie to yourself. Do the characters' motivations make any sense. No.
Why did they spend years in the cabin rather than go south to begin with? Not explained. Why does Charlize wander off to die? Because. Despite the lack of fuel, there seems to be forests of it standing around - did humans just forget how the steam engine works? Apparently.
The visuals are suitably bleak, but grow tiresome and obnoxious. There's just no point. For all the weak attempts at moralizing random things, it's as pretentious as the Matrix sequels, but there's no enjoyment to be had here.
The nonspecific doomsday isn't a big hangup. It just sets the stage for the morality play. But there isn't one to be found here. It really is a dull, plodding, slow, pointless film. The numerous bonehead moves the characters make - almost all due to bad writing - separate the audience from the characters and rather quickly, and thus there's no reason to care. There's only hope that the next scene offers something of interest in the setting. Even with a lot of use of fastforward, it still drags.
You'd be better off watching The Postman, Mad Max, or A Boy And His Dog. Waterworld is gills and shoulders above this pretentious turkey. Heck, even Robot Holocaust and Defcon 4 were better than The Road.
Or better yet, go read Orson Scott Card's "The Folk of the Fringe", for a good postapocalyptic journey/pilgrimage book.