Thankfully I waited until this came out on DVD, borrowed it from a friend, and then watched it. This is one of the most atrocious movies that I've had the opportunity to view in the last decade. Where can I possibly begin?
Let's start with the basic premise. A girl is accused of being a witch and spreading the Black Plague across Europe. She's held in a dungeon in some random European locale and needs to be transported "four hundred leagues, which is about a six days journey" to a monastery in an even more remote random European locale by a batch of relapsed Catholics held together by a suspicious-looking priest. Of course she's in a prison wagon, and of course all sorts of bad things happen. And, I might add, not just any old bad things. Clichéd bad things. Wolves attacking at night in a forest. Your quintessential rope bridge spanning a thousand- foot gorge in the mountains. Ooh, and guess what? The planks are old and rotted and the ropes are unraveling and about to give way. Stop me if you've heard this one.
Someone decided that it would be a sneaky move to cast doubt and suspicion on the priest. After all, priests are great bad guys, right? So you have this innocent-looking "waif" (their word, not mine) who keeps screaming that she doesn't want to be alone with the priest (Really? How subliminally anti-Catholic is this?). The priest does his part by keeping his cowl up and looking suitably creepy and everyone else looks at him with a marked lack of trust. Now, about halfway through this, loyalties shift and the people who wanted to provide this girl with a fair trial are now suddenly hellbent on killing her and the priest is the good guy again. Whew! Crisis averted.
Speaking of anti-Catholic, Nicholas Cage's character, who is so memorable that I've already forgotten his name less than twenty minutes after watching the movie, is a Crusader. He decides that he's had enough of crusading after he and his trusty sidekick (played by Ron Perlman, who should have stuck with Hellboy) arrive at an epiphany about the evils of killing in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. They make absolutely no bones about this fact to anyone, and their heart-stirring rebellion culminates in Cage's guy saying (very dramatically), "I serve God. I no longer serve the church!" *gasp!* It's farcical.
Speaking of farcical...have you heard the one about the bunch of actors who are portraying Europeans but all speak with Midwestern accents? There's not a bad British accent anywhere in here. You know, I've never yearned for a bad British accent until this movie.
Long story short, the girl's not a witch, she's a demon. The demon's revealed to be a horrible CGI, people get burned, everyone dies, the young kid and the girl ride off into the sunset, Black Plague avoided.
Best part of the movie? Watching Ron Perlman trying to keep a straight face while he delivers his lines. Or is it Nicholas Cage trying to rediscover his inner Sorcerer's Apprentice?
I'll never get these two hours back.
Let's start with the basic premise. A girl is accused of being a witch and spreading the Black Plague across Europe. She's held in a dungeon in some random European locale and needs to be transported "four hundred leagues, which is about a six days journey" to a monastery in an even more remote random European locale by a batch of relapsed Catholics held together by a suspicious-looking priest. Of course she's in a prison wagon, and of course all sorts of bad things happen. And, I might add, not just any old bad things. Clichéd bad things. Wolves attacking at night in a forest. Your quintessential rope bridge spanning a thousand- foot gorge in the mountains. Ooh, and guess what? The planks are old and rotted and the ropes are unraveling and about to give way. Stop me if you've heard this one.
Someone decided that it would be a sneaky move to cast doubt and suspicion on the priest. After all, priests are great bad guys, right? So you have this innocent-looking "waif" (their word, not mine) who keeps screaming that she doesn't want to be alone with the priest (Really? How subliminally anti-Catholic is this?). The priest does his part by keeping his cowl up and looking suitably creepy and everyone else looks at him with a marked lack of trust. Now, about halfway through this, loyalties shift and the people who wanted to provide this girl with a fair trial are now suddenly hellbent on killing her and the priest is the good guy again. Whew! Crisis averted.
Speaking of anti-Catholic, Nicholas Cage's character, who is so memorable that I've already forgotten his name less than twenty minutes after watching the movie, is a Crusader. He decides that he's had enough of crusading after he and his trusty sidekick (played by Ron Perlman, who should have stuck with Hellboy) arrive at an epiphany about the evils of killing in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. They make absolutely no bones about this fact to anyone, and their heart-stirring rebellion culminates in Cage's guy saying (very dramatically), "I serve God. I no longer serve the church!" *gasp!* It's farcical.
Speaking of farcical...have you heard the one about the bunch of actors who are portraying Europeans but all speak with Midwestern accents? There's not a bad British accent anywhere in here. You know, I've never yearned for a bad British accent until this movie.
Long story short, the girl's not a witch, she's a demon. The demon's revealed to be a horrible CGI, people get burned, everyone dies, the young kid and the girl ride off into the sunset, Black Plague avoided.
Best part of the movie? Watching Ron Perlman trying to keep a straight face while he delivers his lines. Or is it Nicholas Cage trying to rediscover his inner Sorcerer's Apprentice?
I'll never get these two hours back.