Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another edition of "Essentially Fraudulent Theater"! Today we'll be taking a look at Final Remains, another dollop of sub-amateurish slop that should have never, ever, ever, EVER been released on DVD. This thing is so ungodly horrible, I suspected for a brief while that it was actually an inadequate attempt at spoof or satire of the soul crushingly low-budget slasher genre. As the film continued, however, it became clear I was mistaken. Writer/director Shawn Hazelaar is simply a talentless cretin. I will give him a tiny bit of credit for having a couple of naked chicks in this affront to human dignity but in ever other respect, Hazelaar demonstrates that he doesn't have the brains or the ability to make a ham sandwich, let alone a motion picture.
I'm not going to fully detail what sadly passes for the plot of this abomination because I'm afraid doing so would severely sprain my capacity to love and leave me a broken and bitter man for the rest of my life. Let's just say that a bunch of random garbage happens, interspersed with occasional flashes of hyperactive editing, and then a foursome of 20somethings winds up drunk and high in a mortuary where they badly ad lib some overly long scenes until a killer finally shows up and goes on a poorly conceived, poorly staged and poorly videotaped rampage. Things lurch along like a crippled giraffe until an ending which I would defy any human being on this Earth to explain the logic or rationale of.
Final Remains is not a professional piece of work. It doesn't even deserved the classification of "amateur". There's about a billion different examples I could site, but I think this one sums them all up. There's a scene where a girl is chased down a hallway and into a room. Later on, there's another scene where a girl is chased and she goes down the exact same hallway and into the exact same room. Now, I'm not insisting on using a different location for each chase. Maybe in the decrepit monkey brain of Shawn Hazelaar, there was some reason both girls ran down the same hallway and into the same room. But these lazy bastards couldn't even be bothered to move the frickin' camera and shoot the scenes from even slightly different angles. They just repeated the same scene with different actresses. You can get away with that in porno but not legitimate cinema.
The reason why I briefly suspected this might be a pitiful effort at humor or some kind of meta-commentary on slasher flicks is because it uses virtually every horror movie cliché and does so in the most incompetent possible ways. But even the crudest forms of satire have to have a point and there never is one to anything that goes on in Final Remains. What momentarily appears to be ironic is nothing more than extremely idiotic.
Putting this excrement out for unsuspecting viewers to rent is akin to fraud. It's the moral equivalent of promising to give someone liposuction, then cutting them with a pocket knife and sticking a DustBuster into the incision. Streaming it for free online should probably violate local standards of decency in every city, town and mud hut village in the world. If you pay money to watch this, you are a fool. If you watch it for free, you are still a fool. Vanguard Cinema, the folks who distributed this insulting mess, should be prosecuted and sent to ram-you-up-the-ass federal prison for at least 10 years.
This concludes another edition of "Essentially Fraudulent Theater"!
I'm not going to fully detail what sadly passes for the plot of this abomination because I'm afraid doing so would severely sprain my capacity to love and leave me a broken and bitter man for the rest of my life. Let's just say that a bunch of random garbage happens, interspersed with occasional flashes of hyperactive editing, and then a foursome of 20somethings winds up drunk and high in a mortuary where they badly ad lib some overly long scenes until a killer finally shows up and goes on a poorly conceived, poorly staged and poorly videotaped rampage. Things lurch along like a crippled giraffe until an ending which I would defy any human being on this Earth to explain the logic or rationale of.
Final Remains is not a professional piece of work. It doesn't even deserved the classification of "amateur". There's about a billion different examples I could site, but I think this one sums them all up. There's a scene where a girl is chased down a hallway and into a room. Later on, there's another scene where a girl is chased and she goes down the exact same hallway and into the exact same room. Now, I'm not insisting on using a different location for each chase. Maybe in the decrepit monkey brain of Shawn Hazelaar, there was some reason both girls ran down the same hallway and into the same room. But these lazy bastards couldn't even be bothered to move the frickin' camera and shoot the scenes from even slightly different angles. They just repeated the same scene with different actresses. You can get away with that in porno but not legitimate cinema.
The reason why I briefly suspected this might be a pitiful effort at humor or some kind of meta-commentary on slasher flicks is because it uses virtually every horror movie cliché and does so in the most incompetent possible ways. But even the crudest forms of satire have to have a point and there never is one to anything that goes on in Final Remains. What momentarily appears to be ironic is nothing more than extremely idiotic.
Putting this excrement out for unsuspecting viewers to rent is akin to fraud. It's the moral equivalent of promising to give someone liposuction, then cutting them with a pocket knife and sticking a DustBuster into the incision. Streaming it for free online should probably violate local standards of decency in every city, town and mud hut village in the world. If you pay money to watch this, you are a fool. If you watch it for free, you are still a fool. Vanguard Cinema, the folks who distributed this insulting mess, should be prosecuted and sent to ram-you-up-the-ass federal prison for at least 10 years.
This concludes another edition of "Essentially Fraudulent Theater"!