First of all, I am an enthusiastic connoisseur of B-movies (as you know if you've read any of my other reviews) and I am a dedicated fan of "Snakes on a Plane" even after all the hype has passed. I even have a Snakes on a Plane movie poster in my room. Let me be absolutely clear, "Snakes on a Train" is NOT AT ALL similar to Snakes on a Plane. I was thinking and hoping it'd be like a much cheaper version, but the truth is that it's about as similar to Snakes on a Plane as a shark is similar to a soda can.
I had to watch "Snakes on a Train" out of curiosity. Fortunately, it was uploaded in segments on YouTube so I didn't have to spend any money on it. I still felt a horrible feeling both during and after I saw it. This is a film that truly got absolutely nothing right.
Number one, Asylum Home Entertainment should apologize for false advertising. There are absolutely not "100 Trapped Passengers - 3,000 Venomous Vipers," not even close! There are only about a dozen or so dull uninteresting "passengers" and maybe two dozen snakes (at most) which are garter snakes and ball pythons (so much for the "Venomous Vipers" that the box promises).
Then, the next problem is the extremely boring story that is told in the slowest possible way. A woman has a curse on her and so she vomits snakes up her throat. She vomits them while they are traveling on a train. When the snakes bite other people, they start vomiting out snakes too. And mind you, all of this happens more slowly than a snail crosses the road. It drags on and on and on. There are no panic scenes or action scenes at all (until the very end of the movie that is). No trying to escape from the surrounding snakes, just talking and talking (about nothing interesting) while the woman in back is vomiting up more snakes. Oh yeah, and there is dull "subplot" about a girl delivering illegal drugs and a cop catching her, and predictably the cop is corrupt and is a pervert.
As I implied above, the characters in this movie are extremely dull. In fact so dull, that you wonder how they got hired for a movie, even a direct to DVD movie from the Asylum! The only tiny redeeming quality this movie might have is that the ending is unintentionally funny (I don't reveal endings, even in reviews that I have marked for containing spoilers. You can look that up if you want to know). The rest of the movie is far too boring to be funny, intentionally or unintentionally. Needless to say the sets are awful too, as it looks like they crammed bunk-beds and seats into a long hall way and called it a train.
I feel let down. Couldn't Asylum have at least made a rip off that you could laugh at? I don't know how they thought to make this film. Staring at paint dry for the 91 min. run-time is a better use of your time than watching this garbage.
I had to watch "Snakes on a Train" out of curiosity. Fortunately, it was uploaded in segments on YouTube so I didn't have to spend any money on it. I still felt a horrible feeling both during and after I saw it. This is a film that truly got absolutely nothing right.
Number one, Asylum Home Entertainment should apologize for false advertising. There are absolutely not "100 Trapped Passengers - 3,000 Venomous Vipers," not even close! There are only about a dozen or so dull uninteresting "passengers" and maybe two dozen snakes (at most) which are garter snakes and ball pythons (so much for the "Venomous Vipers" that the box promises).
Then, the next problem is the extremely boring story that is told in the slowest possible way. A woman has a curse on her and so she vomits snakes up her throat. She vomits them while they are traveling on a train. When the snakes bite other people, they start vomiting out snakes too. And mind you, all of this happens more slowly than a snail crosses the road. It drags on and on and on. There are no panic scenes or action scenes at all (until the very end of the movie that is). No trying to escape from the surrounding snakes, just talking and talking (about nothing interesting) while the woman in back is vomiting up more snakes. Oh yeah, and there is dull "subplot" about a girl delivering illegal drugs and a cop catching her, and predictably the cop is corrupt and is a pervert.
As I implied above, the characters in this movie are extremely dull. In fact so dull, that you wonder how they got hired for a movie, even a direct to DVD movie from the Asylum! The only tiny redeeming quality this movie might have is that the ending is unintentionally funny (I don't reveal endings, even in reviews that I have marked for containing spoilers. You can look that up if you want to know). The rest of the movie is far too boring to be funny, intentionally or unintentionally. Needless to say the sets are awful too, as it looks like they crammed bunk-beds and seats into a long hall way and called it a train.
I feel let down. Couldn't Asylum have at least made a rip off that you could laugh at? I don't know how they thought to make this film. Staring at paint dry for the 91 min. run-time is a better use of your time than watching this garbage.