Catchfire (1990)
3/10
Repeatedly punch yourself in the groin instead, it's more fun and burns more calories.
8 September 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Word on the (imdb) street is that director Dennis Hopper was so p*ssed with studio interference that he asked for his name to be removed from the credits. Apparently he submitted and initial cut that ran over three hours and was then distraught when it was deemed too long and culled to a lean 90 minutes.

As a viewer I can only pass judgment based upon what I see, and I can sympathise with both parties. For one I cannot fathom sitting through another 90 minutes of this eye-vomit, but on the other hand it seems that an absolutely insane editing decision renders the viewing experience incomprehensible.

The upshot of that is as always no-one wins.

Consider this: Anne (Jodie Foster) is an avant-garde artiste who witnesses a murder within approximately 27 seconds of entering a 'bad neighbourhood'.

This moment of incredibly inopportune timing puts both mob and the FBI on her trail after she refuses to testify and shoots through to pursue a lifetime on the run in disguise.

Dennis Hopper plays Milo, the elite hit-man hired by the mob to eliminate Anne and put an end to this nonsense, only Milo is apparently entranced by Anne's artwork and almost instantly changes from a cold blooded hit-man into a creepy stalker-rapist.

Now. While all this is indeed mostly reprehensible it is not yet implausible. But wait there's more… (I would ordinarily warn of Spoilers to a 20 year old film here, but they are blabbed all over the back of the DVD cover so I don't feel so bad.) After Milo kidnaps Anne, threatens her life, forces her to don sexy (a word that should never appear in the same sentence as Jodie Foster) lingerie and rapes her – her words – we cut abruptly to a scene apparently only a short while later where they are both very much in genuine love.

Wait. What the f*ck? Anyway the rest of this god-awful mess exists if you care to find it. I wouldn't suggest it. Repeatedly punch yourself in the groin instead, it's more fun and burns more calories. Unfortunately for me I didn't take that option and was still sitting glassy eyed when the credits rolled… The only other thing worth mentioning is that this stain of a film actually boasts a top-notch cast of actors punching well below their weight; Fred Ward, Joe Pesci, John Turturro, Dean Stockwell, Catherine Keener and Charlie Sheen all wasted parts of their lives appearing in it.

As for the 'headliners' Jodie Foster was always miscast in a role that demanded 'sexy', and Dennis Hopper over-acts to sh*t in this film. If that isn't enough he adopts a ridiculous and annoying accent. Not being an American I have no idea if the accent is authentic or not and frankly I don't care, all I will say is that if it is legit perhaps it is advisable to simply not have characters from that particular region in film from this point on.

Like this film there are things that don't need to exist.

Final Rating – 3.5 / 10. If I was Dennis Hopper and had to live with the realisation that I was even partially responsible for Back-Track / Catch-Fire / Cinematic-Turd I wouldn't seek to remove the name Dennis Hopper from the film, I would seek to remove myself from Dennis Hopper.
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