After a voodoo-inspired disaster at sea three survivors wash up on a deserted island. The three survivors are unfortunately played by Kelly Brook, Billy Zane and Juan Pablo Di Pace. Unfortunate because none of the three can act. Of course Brook wasn't hired because someone was under the impression she was her generation's Katharine Hepburn. She's just here to fill out a bikini which she does admirably. Sadly the script does in fact call for her to speak and every time she does the movie suffers terribly. Remarkably though, hers is not the worst acting performance in this hideous movie. That dubious distinction goes to Zane who is laughably atrocious. For a guy who once had some semblance of a legitimate acting career this is quite a nadir. The third wheel, Di Pace, is for good reason an anonymous nobody. He has no talent whatsoever, his horrible delivery of dialogue at least provides some chuckles. Our trio of terrible performers play a trio of terrible characters. Brook and Zane play a spoiled rich couple. She's an airhead bimbo, he's an insufferable jerk. Di Pace plays a guy who works on a boat bringing insufferable rich jerks beer. He is rather insufferable himself and, sadly for him, never learned that you don't hit women who know voodoo. You don't sympathize with any of the three characters, you certainly don't root for any of them. Forget hoping they get off the island, you just wish they'd die so the movie could be over. It's only 90 minutes long but it seems absolutely interminable. There are only two things even remotely worthwhile about the movie, both of which are located directly beneath Brook's neck. Lousy story, lousy acting, some of the worst dialogue ever written. No intrigue whatsoever. Which of the two jerks on the island will the bimbo end up with? Who cares? All attempts to build drama and tension fail miserably. This is a clear candidate for any list of the worst movies ever made.
Review of Survival Island
