They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore (1985): The Good, the Bad and the Mutilated
Synopsis: Two oddball hicks who make a living in the lawncare industry, take exception to the wealthy suburbanites for whom they work. The result is a lot of pent up hostility run amok and a penchant for mutilation.
The Good: Is there anything good with this film? Hm... let me think... I don't really think so. Oh wait! There's this awesome little song they do at the end. You have to hear it to believe it. Might as well fast forward there and save yourself some time. At least it's a good chuckle.
The Bad: All of it? Not sure how I came across this movie, but I did. Probably because I try to watch every horror movie I can get my hands on. So when this little gem's path crossed with mine, I threw caution to the wind and put it on. I should have listened to the wind. First of all... and I don't say this lightly, because I've seen a LOT of bad movies... the acting was THE worst I've ever seen. By a lot. It's very obvious Schiff made this when he was very young and simply had his friends do the acting. On a shoe-string budget, you do what you have to, but seriously? I know for a fact, I could do more with less. My friends, of whom NONE are actors, would look like Academy Award winning performers compared to these people. It's like Jersey Shore meets Cannibal Ferox. Just awful, awful, awful. The script is so bad... I just can't even begin to comprehend how you don't accidentally make something better than this. I could have had them recite my grocery list and it would have made more sense. The characters? I honestly think they were recycling the same actresses and passing them off as new ones. I can't be sure, because they all looked the same and I am NOT watching it again to prove my theory. And for all that is holy, can you not just go to the costume store and get some $20 Halloween costume for your maniac dudes? One guy simply has black rings around his eyes (and overalls... no shirt) and the other guy, Jacab (which I think is spelled wrong in Schiff's scrolling piece of paper as "rolling credits"... brilliant) is a mute who wears a mask of some sort and it's passed off as his real face. Just make him a masked murderer or get him some hillbilly teeth or something. Every choice was made so badly that I guarantee my 9 year old son and his friends could do better.
The Mutilated: Okay, so the only thing this movie has going for it is the excessively gory mutilation scenes. Are they worth watching this movie for? Unequivocally... no. Here's what you can do instead... find yourself a 300 year old human skull with no teeth and put a bunch of gooey crap and meat all over it. Make it look something like a face. Then spend the next 10 minutes peeling it off in a really disgusting way... like you are ripping someones face off. Then repeat it about 10 times in slightly different ways... just be sure to use the same skull. Not sure if some of the other things in here are intentional, like the use of blow-up dolls passed off as real people. I suspect it wasn't, but now I hear the director is trying to pass it off as "it was symbolism for us living in a plastic society...". Um, sure. Whatever you say, pal. I know there are some of you that will need to watch this because of your consuming desire to watch all horror movies, like me... but do so with caution: this isn't bad-good or bad-funny... it's bad-BAD! I rated it a 2 only because I understand how small the budget was and how young Schiff was when he made it.
Synopsis: Two oddball hicks who make a living in the lawncare industry, take exception to the wealthy suburbanites for whom they work. The result is a lot of pent up hostility run amok and a penchant for mutilation.
The Good: Is there anything good with this film? Hm... let me think... I don't really think so. Oh wait! There's this awesome little song they do at the end. You have to hear it to believe it. Might as well fast forward there and save yourself some time. At least it's a good chuckle.
The Bad: All of it? Not sure how I came across this movie, but I did. Probably because I try to watch every horror movie I can get my hands on. So when this little gem's path crossed with mine, I threw caution to the wind and put it on. I should have listened to the wind. First of all... and I don't say this lightly, because I've seen a LOT of bad movies... the acting was THE worst I've ever seen. By a lot. It's very obvious Schiff made this when he was very young and simply had his friends do the acting. On a shoe-string budget, you do what you have to, but seriously? I know for a fact, I could do more with less. My friends, of whom NONE are actors, would look like Academy Award winning performers compared to these people. It's like Jersey Shore meets Cannibal Ferox. Just awful, awful, awful. The script is so bad... I just can't even begin to comprehend how you don't accidentally make something better than this. I could have had them recite my grocery list and it would have made more sense. The characters? I honestly think they were recycling the same actresses and passing them off as new ones. I can't be sure, because they all looked the same and I am NOT watching it again to prove my theory. And for all that is holy, can you not just go to the costume store and get some $20 Halloween costume for your maniac dudes? One guy simply has black rings around his eyes (and overalls... no shirt) and the other guy, Jacab (which I think is spelled wrong in Schiff's scrolling piece of paper as "rolling credits"... brilliant) is a mute who wears a mask of some sort and it's passed off as his real face. Just make him a masked murderer or get him some hillbilly teeth or something. Every choice was made so badly that I guarantee my 9 year old son and his friends could do better.
The Mutilated: Okay, so the only thing this movie has going for it is the excessively gory mutilation scenes. Are they worth watching this movie for? Unequivocally... no. Here's what you can do instead... find yourself a 300 year old human skull with no teeth and put a bunch of gooey crap and meat all over it. Make it look something like a face. Then spend the next 10 minutes peeling it off in a really disgusting way... like you are ripping someones face off. Then repeat it about 10 times in slightly different ways... just be sure to use the same skull. Not sure if some of the other things in here are intentional, like the use of blow-up dolls passed off as real people. I suspect it wasn't, but now I hear the director is trying to pass it off as "it was symbolism for us living in a plastic society...". Um, sure. Whatever you say, pal. I know there are some of you that will need to watch this because of your consuming desire to watch all horror movies, like me... but do so with caution: this isn't bad-good or bad-funny... it's bad-BAD! I rated it a 2 only because I understand how small the budget was and how young Schiff was when he made it.