You know how us nerds tend to freak out over movies, TV shows, etc. that we don't think do our favorite properties justice? Well that being said I usually frown on that type of exaggeration but honestly this new TMNT really deserves to be bashed and battered. I kept telling people I was going in with an open mind. I thought it would be forgettable but not insulting. I didn't mind the new look of the Turtles because I figured they were just trying something a little different. The voices rubbed me the wrong way but nothing a good overall movie couldn't remedy. Little did I know....
The first misstep is that this follows the Transformers formula too much, where you're watching a movie about people who interact with the turtles, not a movie about THE TURTLES. The first 30-45 minutes is about April and her eventual discovery of the turtles. Big mistake. Far too much time passes before the turtles show up, and even then it's pretty brief. Then we go back to April, doing a terrible job convincing people that the turtles are real. I think the turtles actually fought a total of about 60 seconds in this movie, and 45 of those seconds are at the end.
At this point it's just a bad movie we can all try to forget, but what shocked me the most was the script. I can say with confidence that a loyal turtles fan that grew up in the last '80s, early '90s could pen a script better than this in an afternoon. For some bizarre reason (or most likely laziness) they decided to make the turtles origin this: They were created in a lab by April O'Neill's father who was a scientist. She treated them as pets when she was a kid and set them free along with Splinter when the lab caught fire. You read that right: April actually knew the turtles when they were babies, and 15 or so years later she is the first one to catch a glimpse of them. This blew my mind. The next thing that blew my mind was that Splinter taught himself and the turtles martial arts from a book he found in the sewer. He knew nothing of martial arts until then. We also see glimpses of them as babies and around age 10 or so I'd guess, while they dance to "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani. At that point I legitimately though the writers were having a laugh.
There are other things that reek of a rushed creative process. Shredder is given pretty much zero back story. He is a billionaire's lackey and has no connection to Splinter or the Turtles. Will Arnett, who is funny in everything else he's ever been in, is completely wasted here. It wasn't his fault at all, there just weren't any good jokes for him to deliver whatsoever. Whoopi Goldberg as the news editor was out of place. The product placement was too much. You could even tell they sold the ads in packages of two. The Skype logo is shown on a phone, then a character mentions it a few minutes later. There is an entire scene dedicated to how irresistible Pizza Hut pizza is, then later on a couple of Pizza Hut boxes take up the bottom third of the screen for a few seconds.
Some more specific atrocities in the script: April and Will Arnett hide behind a desk while the villain shoots a gun at the desk without, ya know, walking over to them and shooting them. One of the plot points that broke the movie was the "fact" that the turtles are actually bullet proof! I'm not making this up, and no not just their shells. Their entire bodies. This wouldn't be relevant if the Foot Clan actually fought them hand to hand, but they don't. They all have machine guns instead. You see, if you want martial arts in a movie you have to do laborious things like cast people that know martial arts, choreograph fight scenes, etc. We don't have time for that. Nevermind that 'ninja' is one of the operative words in the title of the movie and in the collective name of the characters. When you consider all that you have bullet proof turtles standing still while enemies shoot them in vain. Then instead we're treated to a chase scene where turtles slide down a snowy mountain that I'm guessing is roughly 100 miles to the bottom. I say that because the scene went on for I would guess 10-12 minutes. Snore. While we're on the bullet proof thing I also want to point out that the turtles can also bash through the side of a van they're hiding in in one attempt, somersault through plexiglas while standing still, and if a turtle is hanging off a steel girder riveted to a building they will actually BEND AND EVENTUALLY BREAK THE STEEL GIRDER. This all happens in the movie with no exaggeration I promise you.
Look I realize the movie is directed at kids but come on. It's also for people that grew up loving the turtles that are adults. Plus the kids argument doesn't take you very far anyways. The original movie holds up, why can't this? This movie fails in almost all aspects. They didn't make it enough about the turtles, the turtles hardly fight, and the script was a slap dash effort and everyone involved knew it. In fairness the script does fall into the "give it a break it's for kids" category, but combined with everything else this is just a bad movie. I liked the style of the intro and opening credits. That's literally it. Unfortunately we all took the bait and a sequel is undoubtedly on the way. I'm guessing since the movie came out on Friday that the ink on the new script dried some time on Saturday around 4PM.
The first misstep is that this follows the Transformers formula too much, where you're watching a movie about people who interact with the turtles, not a movie about THE TURTLES. The first 30-45 minutes is about April and her eventual discovery of the turtles. Big mistake. Far too much time passes before the turtles show up, and even then it's pretty brief. Then we go back to April, doing a terrible job convincing people that the turtles are real. I think the turtles actually fought a total of about 60 seconds in this movie, and 45 of those seconds are at the end.
At this point it's just a bad movie we can all try to forget, but what shocked me the most was the script. I can say with confidence that a loyal turtles fan that grew up in the last '80s, early '90s could pen a script better than this in an afternoon. For some bizarre reason (or most likely laziness) they decided to make the turtles origin this: They were created in a lab by April O'Neill's father who was a scientist. She treated them as pets when she was a kid and set them free along with Splinter when the lab caught fire. You read that right: April actually knew the turtles when they were babies, and 15 or so years later she is the first one to catch a glimpse of them. This blew my mind. The next thing that blew my mind was that Splinter taught himself and the turtles martial arts from a book he found in the sewer. He knew nothing of martial arts until then. We also see glimpses of them as babies and around age 10 or so I'd guess, while they dance to "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani. At that point I legitimately though the writers were having a laugh.
There are other things that reek of a rushed creative process. Shredder is given pretty much zero back story. He is a billionaire's lackey and has no connection to Splinter or the Turtles. Will Arnett, who is funny in everything else he's ever been in, is completely wasted here. It wasn't his fault at all, there just weren't any good jokes for him to deliver whatsoever. Whoopi Goldberg as the news editor was out of place. The product placement was too much. You could even tell they sold the ads in packages of two. The Skype logo is shown on a phone, then a character mentions it a few minutes later. There is an entire scene dedicated to how irresistible Pizza Hut pizza is, then later on a couple of Pizza Hut boxes take up the bottom third of the screen for a few seconds.
Some more specific atrocities in the script: April and Will Arnett hide behind a desk while the villain shoots a gun at the desk without, ya know, walking over to them and shooting them. One of the plot points that broke the movie was the "fact" that the turtles are actually bullet proof! I'm not making this up, and no not just their shells. Their entire bodies. This wouldn't be relevant if the Foot Clan actually fought them hand to hand, but they don't. They all have machine guns instead. You see, if you want martial arts in a movie you have to do laborious things like cast people that know martial arts, choreograph fight scenes, etc. We don't have time for that. Nevermind that 'ninja' is one of the operative words in the title of the movie and in the collective name of the characters. When you consider all that you have bullet proof turtles standing still while enemies shoot them in vain. Then instead we're treated to a chase scene where turtles slide down a snowy mountain that I'm guessing is roughly 100 miles to the bottom. I say that because the scene went on for I would guess 10-12 minutes. Snore. While we're on the bullet proof thing I also want to point out that the turtles can also bash through the side of a van they're hiding in in one attempt, somersault through plexiglas while standing still, and if a turtle is hanging off a steel girder riveted to a building they will actually BEND AND EVENTUALLY BREAK THE STEEL GIRDER. This all happens in the movie with no exaggeration I promise you.
Look I realize the movie is directed at kids but come on. It's also for people that grew up loving the turtles that are adults. Plus the kids argument doesn't take you very far anyways. The original movie holds up, why can't this? This movie fails in almost all aspects. They didn't make it enough about the turtles, the turtles hardly fight, and the script was a slap dash effort and everyone involved knew it. In fairness the script does fall into the "give it a break it's for kids" category, but combined with everything else this is just a bad movie. I liked the style of the intro and opening credits. That's literally it. Unfortunately we all took the bait and a sequel is undoubtedly on the way. I'm guessing since the movie came out on Friday that the ink on the new script dried some time on Saturday around 4PM.