Urkel is on a U.S. Navy battleship conducting experiments on how to repel sharks by sound waves, because that's exactly what the U.S. Navy does on battleships.
About 20 seconds after his commanding officer poo-poos Urkel's theory that Mega Shark survived the last movie (Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus), Mega Shark leaps like Flipper over the battleship, inexplicably sinking it and further inexplicably fatally impaling Urkel's girlfriend with some nondescript shrapnel.
That gives Urkel His prerequisite "Noooo!" scene that establishes his character as Vengeance-Driven-Urkel for the rest of the film. And yet, for the rest of the film he's still just Urkel.
Meanwhile, Congo villagers mining for blood diamonds (because that Leonardo DiCaprio movie made that all topical and all), for no logical reason whatsoever unleash a buried Crocosaurus that appears to be digitally rendered with some sort of freeware downloaded from cnet.com.
So, a rep from the mining company who also happens to be a bodacious babe, and whose entire "look more awkward than hot" act relies completely on a pair of glasses, hires an Aussie monster hunter played by Not-Hugh-Jackman to catch the beast so the diamond harvesting may continue.
Oh, and later, the Mega Shark and Crocosaurus fight, because if there's one thing National Geographic has taught us (other than that rainforest tribal women go topless), it's that sharks and crocodiles are natural-born enemies.
Everything else in this movie is unimportant.
Stuff I love:
-- Mining company babe wears a little black dress and high heels to blaze a trail though the African jungle.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman carries a machete and these giant syringes that look like he's Godzilla's meth dealer.
-- Urkel will never not be Urkel. Sorry, Urkel. Dance with the stars all you want, Urkel. You're still Urkel, Urkel.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman totally points a pistol at an innocent kid's head, just for fun.
-- The scene in which everybody argues over who owns the binoculars. That's a movie in itself, right there.
-- Hey, Robert Picardo: Remember when you were in The Wonder Years and Star Trek: Voyager? Remember that huge mortgage on your LA home? Here you play "The Admiral..."
-- Mega Shark catches a submarine torpedo in its teeth and jumps hundreds of feet in the air before spitting it out, because sharks are smart that way. Then, The Admiral says, "Focus, people!" to his crew, as if it's their fault.
-- TV reporter from Miami (Is that where this takes place? Half the movie's gone by and this is the first I've heard) watches Crocosaurus destroy city and says, "This is amazing! Something I never thought we'd see again!" When has this EVER happened before?
-- What in the ever-living, blue-eyed heck is an "arc flash?" They explained it. They showed it. They used it against Crocosaurus. And I still have absolutely no idea what it was or what it was meant to do. No matter, because whatever it was, it failed, and the movie continued and never mentioned it again.
-- Giant crocodile egg in lab: "Crack! Crack!" Scientist babe: "What is that? Is that coming from inside the egg?" BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A MOVIE LIKE THIS BEFORE, NOR EVER SEEN ONE, AND I WAS BORN YESTERDAY.
-- The Admiral: "I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you."
-- Submarine guy to pilot: "Slow and steady, lieutenant. We don't want this thing to buckle like a ping pong ball." Because ping pong balls are known to buckle at high speeds under water.
-- "I think the shark is headed for the first lock. Where's the croc?" "Outside the lock." "NEAR THE DOCK?" "LOAD YOUR GLOCK." "IT'S IN HOCK." "WHAT A SHOCK." "YOU'RE SUCH A JOCK." "PLEASE DON'T MOCK." "SORRY. YOU ROCK." "WHERE'S MY SOCK?"
-- Urkel: "Why aren't the bombs killing them?" Perhaps it's because no bombs have ever been shown in this movie.
-- "They just took out Panama! They destroyed everything!" Thanks for telling us, Urkel, because the movie didn't show that at all.
-- In almost every situation in which Urkel needs to explain something technical, he realizes half-way through he's full of it and says, "Look, just do it!" And they do.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman as Crocosaurus and Mega Shark swim out to sea toward the horizon: "They're coming!"
Stuff I don't love:
-- Mining company babe gets eaten far too early in the film, far too stupidly and with far too many clothes on. Thankfully, director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray learned his lesson by the time he got to "2-Headed Shark Attack." That film's all kinds of stupid, too, but at least Olen Ray gives weary viewers a peek at the good stuff before the babes get eaten.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman's accent fluctuates between Australian and British so obviously, you can practically hear the actor thinking "What the hell. Same thing." And he slurs his speech like Johnny Depp in those myriad Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but comes off more like Peter O'Toole in My Favorite Year (or, really, Peter O'Toole in anything other than Lawrence of Arabia, and sometimes in that, too). Or perhaps he's actually soused.
-- Too much time is spent sending "experts" to determine whether certain giant eggs are crocodile or shark eggs. As if it makes any difference to the story at all.
-- Someone told the actress playing the government babe, "Want to appear to be a strong, confident woman? Act like the meanest lunch lady ever. EVER."
-- Worst helicopter crash ever. EVER.
Two stars for being among the most unintentionally funny of The Asylum's vast library of turdy flicks.
About 20 seconds after his commanding officer poo-poos Urkel's theory that Mega Shark survived the last movie (Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus), Mega Shark leaps like Flipper over the battleship, inexplicably sinking it and further inexplicably fatally impaling Urkel's girlfriend with some nondescript shrapnel.
That gives Urkel His prerequisite "Noooo!" scene that establishes his character as Vengeance-Driven-Urkel for the rest of the film. And yet, for the rest of the film he's still just Urkel.
Meanwhile, Congo villagers mining for blood diamonds (because that Leonardo DiCaprio movie made that all topical and all), for no logical reason whatsoever unleash a buried Crocosaurus that appears to be digitally rendered with some sort of freeware downloaded from cnet.com.
So, a rep from the mining company who also happens to be a bodacious babe, and whose entire "look more awkward than hot" act relies completely on a pair of glasses, hires an Aussie monster hunter played by Not-Hugh-Jackman to catch the beast so the diamond harvesting may continue.
Oh, and later, the Mega Shark and Crocosaurus fight, because if there's one thing National Geographic has taught us (other than that rainforest tribal women go topless), it's that sharks and crocodiles are natural-born enemies.
Everything else in this movie is unimportant.
Stuff I love:
-- Mining company babe wears a little black dress and high heels to blaze a trail though the African jungle.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman carries a machete and these giant syringes that look like he's Godzilla's meth dealer.
-- Urkel will never not be Urkel. Sorry, Urkel. Dance with the stars all you want, Urkel. You're still Urkel, Urkel.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman totally points a pistol at an innocent kid's head, just for fun.
-- The scene in which everybody argues over who owns the binoculars. That's a movie in itself, right there.
-- Hey, Robert Picardo: Remember when you were in The Wonder Years and Star Trek: Voyager? Remember that huge mortgage on your LA home? Here you play "The Admiral..."
-- Mega Shark catches a submarine torpedo in its teeth and jumps hundreds of feet in the air before spitting it out, because sharks are smart that way. Then, The Admiral says, "Focus, people!" to his crew, as if it's their fault.
-- TV reporter from Miami (Is that where this takes place? Half the movie's gone by and this is the first I've heard) watches Crocosaurus destroy city and says, "This is amazing! Something I never thought we'd see again!" When has this EVER happened before?
-- What in the ever-living, blue-eyed heck is an "arc flash?" They explained it. They showed it. They used it against Crocosaurus. And I still have absolutely no idea what it was or what it was meant to do. No matter, because whatever it was, it failed, and the movie continued and never mentioned it again.
-- Giant crocodile egg in lab: "Crack! Crack!" Scientist babe: "What is that? Is that coming from inside the egg?" BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A MOVIE LIKE THIS BEFORE, NOR EVER SEEN ONE, AND I WAS BORN YESTERDAY.
-- The Admiral: "I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you."
-- Submarine guy to pilot: "Slow and steady, lieutenant. We don't want this thing to buckle like a ping pong ball." Because ping pong balls are known to buckle at high speeds under water.
-- "I think the shark is headed for the first lock. Where's the croc?" "Outside the lock." "NEAR THE DOCK?" "LOAD YOUR GLOCK." "IT'S IN HOCK." "WHAT A SHOCK." "YOU'RE SUCH A JOCK." "PLEASE DON'T MOCK." "SORRY. YOU ROCK." "WHERE'S MY SOCK?"
-- Urkel: "Why aren't the bombs killing them?" Perhaps it's because no bombs have ever been shown in this movie.
-- "They just took out Panama! They destroyed everything!" Thanks for telling us, Urkel, because the movie didn't show that at all.
-- In almost every situation in which Urkel needs to explain something technical, he realizes half-way through he's full of it and says, "Look, just do it!" And they do.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman as Crocosaurus and Mega Shark swim out to sea toward the horizon: "They're coming!"
Stuff I don't love:
-- Mining company babe gets eaten far too early in the film, far too stupidly and with far too many clothes on. Thankfully, director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray learned his lesson by the time he got to "2-Headed Shark Attack." That film's all kinds of stupid, too, but at least Olen Ray gives weary viewers a peek at the good stuff before the babes get eaten.
-- Not-Hugh-Jackman's accent fluctuates between Australian and British so obviously, you can practically hear the actor thinking "What the hell. Same thing." And he slurs his speech like Johnny Depp in those myriad Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but comes off more like Peter O'Toole in My Favorite Year (or, really, Peter O'Toole in anything other than Lawrence of Arabia, and sometimes in that, too). Or perhaps he's actually soused.
-- Too much time is spent sending "experts" to determine whether certain giant eggs are crocodile or shark eggs. As if it makes any difference to the story at all.
-- Someone told the actress playing the government babe, "Want to appear to be a strong, confident woman? Act like the meanest lunch lady ever. EVER."
-- Worst helicopter crash ever. EVER.
Two stars for being among the most unintentionally funny of The Asylum's vast library of turdy flicks.