Title: The Cave. Genre: Found footage.
Guess what that means. Can you guess? It's not difficult.
People die in a cave.
I mean, how predictable can you get? At least call the movie something else, like "Millennial Idiots" or something, because we already know that EVERY found-in-sewage film deals with teens or "elder teens" (the latter in this case), and we know that found-sewage means that everyone croaks, so at least surprise us with the cave, frcrssakes. It's bad enough we know everyone croaks (or do they?), why must we know where as well? The whole purpose of horror and action films is to surprise you occasionally. I don't think these found-footage film-makers even understand the basics of cinema or story-telling. "OK, we'll tell them everything in advance and all that's left is HOW quickly they croak and who kills who. That should be enough?" No, it effing ain't.
You know how those teen found-footage films make you happy to see them all killed? Well, this film makes you loathe the cast in record time. In literally less than one minute within being introduced to these nitwits you're having fantasies of seeing them impaled, decapitated and disemboweled. I doubt I've ever been made to hate teens this quick. Well... "teens". 20somethings. Elderly teens. Same thing.
If you think American teen-horrors are annoying, just wait till you see these basturds. They're like a bunch of horny 5 year-olds. I know that makes no sense but fact IS that they're horny - and act like 5 year-olds. Their behaviour is so over-the-top infantile that it's tempting to stop watching the "La cueva". But then... it's found garbage so you know they all get killed.
Just watch those ridiculous scenes at the airport. I haven't even seen 5 year-olds behave that way in public places, least of all airports. Movie, you're trying too hard to make us hate them, to tell us they're idiots. You don't have to try so hard - it's written on their faces. They are millennial Americans!
If only these found-garbage teen-horror films were actual documentaries that show ACTUAL demise of real millennials: that would mean an actual significant reduction of that useless species. That'd be awesome! That's the film's biggest flaw, the fact that it's all just made up. If only these millennial-entrapping caves existed on every beach, the world would be a better place.
Spanish movie humour always struck me as fairly awful and childish, not too dissimilar from French humour, and we're bombarded with meaningless and jokey aren't-they-happy-and-annoying-before-the-cave-kills-them scenes early on. That's a big minus, I don't forgive that stuff. In one early scene a "teen" shows his behind, and I mean anus, full-screen, as in a pornographic film. Not kidding. And it's a guy, not a lady.
And that's why we hate Spanish cinema.
The film gets points off for the dumb premise too. Who goes into a deep and claustrophobic maze of a cave - without either supplies or a guide? These five are so dirt-dumb they should have guardians, yet somehow they know about things like "air-flow" in caves! Totally absurd bunch.
Besides, with the amount of time and energy they spend in the cave - crawling on all fours - they should have all dehydrated within hours, one day tops. Who goes into a cave mid-Summer without at least one bottle of water? People nowadays carry around water bottles everywhere they go in warm weather. These morons survive at least 4 days without water, which is asinine in the best of circumstances. Not to mention the guy who drinks salt water; he should have gone bat-sheet-crazy and dehydrated within hours. But he lasts 4 days too. Really dumb.
Very predictably, Celia - the only one who hasn't drunk anything in at least 4 days (well, not counting her friend Bego whose blood was cannibalized by the guys) - finds the exit WHILE WOUNDED and on the run from the other three guys. It's as stupid as it is pointless. Nor is it clear how they manage to miss her when she's using the camera's light to find her way through. In a pitch-black cave none of the three notice the light on her camera? Did an amoeba write this?
She's the only survivor. Somehow, extremely dehydrated, panic-stricken and with a serious knife wound, she manages to find an exit. Does she survive though? We don't find out. The movie's like "screw the viewers, we won't tell them. Ha! The joke's on you, dumb viewers, for watching this trash!"
So basically the key to finding the exit in this cave was the group trying to kill each other?
It's a dumb movie. The descent into insanity and savagery is well played, but that's the only good aspect of this stinker.
Guess what that means. Can you guess? It's not difficult.
People die in a cave.
I mean, how predictable can you get? At least call the movie something else, like "Millennial Idiots" or something, because we already know that EVERY found-in-sewage film deals with teens or "elder teens" (the latter in this case), and we know that found-sewage means that everyone croaks, so at least surprise us with the cave, frcrssakes. It's bad enough we know everyone croaks (or do they?), why must we know where as well? The whole purpose of horror and action films is to surprise you occasionally. I don't think these found-footage film-makers even understand the basics of cinema or story-telling. "OK, we'll tell them everything in advance and all that's left is HOW quickly they croak and who kills who. That should be enough?" No, it effing ain't.
You know how those teen found-footage films make you happy to see them all killed? Well, this film makes you loathe the cast in record time. In literally less than one minute within being introduced to these nitwits you're having fantasies of seeing them impaled, decapitated and disemboweled. I doubt I've ever been made to hate teens this quick. Well... "teens". 20somethings. Elderly teens. Same thing.
If you think American teen-horrors are annoying, just wait till you see these basturds. They're like a bunch of horny 5 year-olds. I know that makes no sense but fact IS that they're horny - and act like 5 year-olds. Their behaviour is so over-the-top infantile that it's tempting to stop watching the "La cueva". But then... it's found garbage so you know they all get killed.
Just watch those ridiculous scenes at the airport. I haven't even seen 5 year-olds behave that way in public places, least of all airports. Movie, you're trying too hard to make us hate them, to tell us they're idiots. You don't have to try so hard - it's written on their faces. They are millennial Americans!
If only these found-garbage teen-horror films were actual documentaries that show ACTUAL demise of real millennials: that would mean an actual significant reduction of that useless species. That'd be awesome! That's the film's biggest flaw, the fact that it's all just made up. If only these millennial-entrapping caves existed on every beach, the world would be a better place.
Spanish movie humour always struck me as fairly awful and childish, not too dissimilar from French humour, and we're bombarded with meaningless and jokey aren't-they-happy-and-annoying-before-the-cave-kills-them scenes early on. That's a big minus, I don't forgive that stuff. In one early scene a "teen" shows his behind, and I mean anus, full-screen, as in a pornographic film. Not kidding. And it's a guy, not a lady.
And that's why we hate Spanish cinema.
The film gets points off for the dumb premise too. Who goes into a deep and claustrophobic maze of a cave - without either supplies or a guide? These five are so dirt-dumb they should have guardians, yet somehow they know about things like "air-flow" in caves! Totally absurd bunch.
Besides, with the amount of time and energy they spend in the cave - crawling on all fours - they should have all dehydrated within hours, one day tops. Who goes into a cave mid-Summer without at least one bottle of water? People nowadays carry around water bottles everywhere they go in warm weather. These morons survive at least 4 days without water, which is asinine in the best of circumstances. Not to mention the guy who drinks salt water; he should have gone bat-sheet-crazy and dehydrated within hours. But he lasts 4 days too. Really dumb.
Very predictably, Celia - the only one who hasn't drunk anything in at least 4 days (well, not counting her friend Bego whose blood was cannibalized by the guys) - finds the exit WHILE WOUNDED and on the run from the other three guys. It's as stupid as it is pointless. Nor is it clear how they manage to miss her when she's using the camera's light to find her way through. In a pitch-black cave none of the three notice the light on her camera? Did an amoeba write this?
She's the only survivor. Somehow, extremely dehydrated, panic-stricken and with a serious knife wound, she manages to find an exit. Does she survive though? We don't find out. The movie's like "screw the viewers, we won't tell them. Ha! The joke's on you, dumb viewers, for watching this trash!"
So basically the key to finding the exit in this cave was the group trying to kill each other?
It's a dumb movie. The descent into insanity and savagery is well played, but that's the only good aspect of this stinker.