I was drawn like a moth to a flame (or a fly to...something) to the Italian production Curse of the Blind Dead. It opens in the 14th century (presumably as the filmmakers aren't big on details) with five Templar knights preparing to sacrifice a baby. They are stopped by some villagers and the world's best Christian fighters are captured without putting up a fight. Hell, they don't even draw their swords. They are blinded and then burned at the stake. Fastforward several millenniums and the world is now recovering from a nuclear war (showcased by a big green forest). Sheriff's deputy Rick Grimes...er, Michael (Aaron Stielstra) and his daughter Lily (Alice Zanini) are wandering around aimlessly, apparently searching for "Paradise" that they hear about from a radio signal (again, I was forced to suss this info out on my own). They are attacked by some marauders and saved by followers of a religious order led by Maestro Abel (Bill Hutchens). Of course, cinema law dictates any benevolent group is really looking to kill you and sure enough Abel wants to do the whole baby sacrificing ceremony again for the now zombified Knights Templar. Wait? How are these guys back? No idea. They just are because "the ancient prophecy" says so.
The sightless Knights Templar zombies that graced Amando de Ossorio's four Spanish films have always been one of the more unique takes on the undead subgenre. So much so that I thought the concept would be great for a revisit. But this ain't it. I am always baffled how films like this exist. How do you get through writing a script, scouting locations, assembling a crew and cast and then deliver something so flat? To quote the paramedic from Return of the Living Dead (1985), this thing has "no blood pressure, no pulse." It is so maddeningly boring that I almost wanted to pluck out my own eyes. It is the kind of film where nearly everyone in the post-apoc world has normal clothes and nice haircuts with trimmed beards. The kind of film where a guy gruesomely severs his own thumb to get out of some handcuffs and then it doesn't bother him after that. The kind of film that casts Italian action legend Fabio Testi and gives him one line. The kind of film where the director has a POV shot for one of the blind zombies (he will probably say he was trying to convey their "hearing" sight, but I ain't buying that, chief). There is some gore but I swear the masks for the blind dead guys are just refurbished Darkman masks. This feature opens with the Uncork'd logo and, honestly, that is the perfect home for something like this dreck. The only remotely interesting thing about this film is now I will spend the next few days wondering if this was better or worse than the Blind Dead knockoff that had a Knight having sex with a busty blonde on the cover.
The sightless Knights Templar zombies that graced Amando de Ossorio's four Spanish films have always been one of the more unique takes on the undead subgenre. So much so that I thought the concept would be great for a revisit. But this ain't it. I am always baffled how films like this exist. How do you get through writing a script, scouting locations, assembling a crew and cast and then deliver something so flat? To quote the paramedic from Return of the Living Dead (1985), this thing has "no blood pressure, no pulse." It is so maddeningly boring that I almost wanted to pluck out my own eyes. It is the kind of film where nearly everyone in the post-apoc world has normal clothes and nice haircuts with trimmed beards. The kind of film where a guy gruesomely severs his own thumb to get out of some handcuffs and then it doesn't bother him after that. The kind of film that casts Italian action legend Fabio Testi and gives him one line. The kind of film where the director has a POV shot for one of the blind zombies (he will probably say he was trying to convey their "hearing" sight, but I ain't buying that, chief). There is some gore but I swear the masks for the blind dead guys are just refurbished Darkman masks. This feature opens with the Uncork'd logo and, honestly, that is the perfect home for something like this dreck. The only remotely interesting thing about this film is now I will spend the next few days wondering if this was better or worse than the Blind Dead knockoff that had a Knight having sex with a busty blonde on the cover.