After watching Van Damme in "Future War" the other night, I've been inspired to rush online today to search for more of his work, and I've come across this doozy: "Mortal Conquest" AKA "G2."
It starts out in the tradition of Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast with a colonial judge mumbling nonsensical gibberish that a modern-day audience won't be able to translate.
Strap yourselves in, because the do-do is about to be thrown in every direction. I can just feel it now. It'll be like Kristen Stewart dodging dog turds in that "Runaways" movie.
Genghis Khan appears out of the field of dreams and speaks like the Chinese waiter from that episode of "Seinfeld." A glimpse of Kate Bush from Babooshka yahoos her approval.
Somebody's pulse is taken in a hospital.
It's what's-her-name from "Mortal Kombat?" This crap is following the same format as that Canadian movie "Crying Freeman." Gee, Van Damme's young in this. It must have been one of his earlier films.
Apparently the movie is about some silly lost sword that once belonged to He-Man and it winds its way to the future.
How? It's not explained.
The restaurant waiter from "Seinfeld" (Bruce?) is after the sacred sword as well, even though he brings it with him into the future.
Do I have that right?
Why is Asian culture always based around martial arts?
The Babooshka character, Mileena, is a shape shifter and presents herself as a NY police officer who, no doubt, is the love interest for what's-his-name?
You know, after watching "Future War" the other night, it's kind of reinvigorated my love of mid-90s action movies.
Hmm, not making much sense. Van Damme keeps having visions of being stabbed in the belly while dressed in cosplay on the set of "Highlander." Tons of sword action and lots of violence. There's a similar storyline to "Lion Heart," with a score on a magnitude of Cleopatra proportions.
This'll be good - Van Damme has to fight the fifth band member of Kiss. It doesn't go as expected as the Kiss member swallows accelerant and is then shot by Chun-Li and he puts on a sideways fire display.
This is all over a silly collector's sword, you know?
"I can't take the pain," exclaims Van Damme in the cringiest display of embarrassment.
Actor, can you hear yourself?
Did you honestly hear how you delivered that line just then? And you didn't ask for a reshoot or a third take?
Talk about amateur acting.
It's Tommy Wiseau stuff. Some of Bruce's acting leaves a lot to be desired as well.
Van Damme hooks up with the love interest, surprise, surprise, and there's a Wonder boy score, that's overly loud, to accompany his reminiscing of his love affair with the Home Shopping Network purchased sword.
This famous sword is the same one you see on late-night TV that can cut through steel-tipped boots. Or, is that an 80s thing?
They also sell ShamWows.
Meh, I had more fun with "Future War" the other night.
This one is trying to take itself seriously.
Make no mistake, though - it's weak as water and too repetitive.
It's not enough that he was Van Damme in the other night's movie; now he's Christopher Lambert in this nonsense.
Who's he going to be in the next movie, Seagal?
54 minutes in, and I've had my fill.
There's no need for this to last 90 minutes.
I don't even care what happens from here on in, as I know he'll bed the girl, retain the late-night TV home shopping sword, and win overall in the end.
I think I've said this before, but the me in year 10 would have swallowed this up and asked for seconds, but the me in 2023 is sitting here asking if anyone's impressed by this one-on-one cockfighting anymore.
Doesn't do anything for me.
Van Damme does everything I just said by the movie's end and holds the late-night TV home shopping sword above his head and says, "By the power of Grayskull."
Whoopdedoo.
Strap yourselves in, because the do-do is about to be thrown in every direction. I can just feel it now. It'll be like Kristen Stewart dodging dog turds in that "Runaways" movie.
Genghis Khan appears out of the field of dreams and speaks like the Chinese waiter from that episode of "Seinfeld." A glimpse of Kate Bush from Babooshka yahoos her approval.
Somebody's pulse is taken in a hospital.
It's what's-her-name from "Mortal Kombat?" This crap is following the same format as that Canadian movie "Crying Freeman." Gee, Van Damme's young in this. It must have been one of his earlier films.
Apparently the movie is about some silly lost sword that once belonged to He-Man and it winds its way to the future.
How? It's not explained.
The restaurant waiter from "Seinfeld" (Bruce?) is after the sacred sword as well, even though he brings it with him into the future.
Do I have that right?
Why is Asian culture always based around martial arts?
The Babooshka character, Mileena, is a shape shifter and presents herself as a NY police officer who, no doubt, is the love interest for what's-his-name?
You know, after watching "Future War" the other night, it's kind of reinvigorated my love of mid-90s action movies.
Hmm, not making much sense. Van Damme keeps having visions of being stabbed in the belly while dressed in cosplay on the set of "Highlander." Tons of sword action and lots of violence. There's a similar storyline to "Lion Heart," with a score on a magnitude of Cleopatra proportions.
This'll be good - Van Damme has to fight the fifth band member of Kiss. It doesn't go as expected as the Kiss member swallows accelerant and is then shot by Chun-Li and he puts on a sideways fire display.
This is all over a silly collector's sword, you know?
"I can't take the pain," exclaims Van Damme in the cringiest display of embarrassment.
Actor, can you hear yourself?
Did you honestly hear how you delivered that line just then? And you didn't ask for a reshoot or a third take?
Talk about amateur acting.
It's Tommy Wiseau stuff. Some of Bruce's acting leaves a lot to be desired as well.
Van Damme hooks up with the love interest, surprise, surprise, and there's a Wonder boy score, that's overly loud, to accompany his reminiscing of his love affair with the Home Shopping Network purchased sword.
This famous sword is the same one you see on late-night TV that can cut through steel-tipped boots. Or, is that an 80s thing?
They also sell ShamWows.
Meh, I had more fun with "Future War" the other night.
This one is trying to take itself seriously.
Make no mistake, though - it's weak as water and too repetitive.
It's not enough that he was Van Damme in the other night's movie; now he's Christopher Lambert in this nonsense.
Who's he going to be in the next movie, Seagal?
54 minutes in, and I've had my fill.
There's no need for this to last 90 minutes.
I don't even care what happens from here on in, as I know he'll bed the girl, retain the late-night TV home shopping sword, and win overall in the end.
I think I've said this before, but the me in year 10 would have swallowed this up and asked for seconds, but the me in 2023 is sitting here asking if anyone's impressed by this one-on-one cockfighting anymore.
Doesn't do anything for me.
Van Damme does everything I just said by the movie's end and holds the late-night TV home shopping sword above his head and says, "By the power of Grayskull."
Whoopdedoo.