Return to Eden, the 1983 miniseries that proves that even the most outrageous soap operas can still find new and innovative ways to insult your intelligence.
We start off with Stephanie Harper, a woman in her forties who's been divorced twice before, ready to give love another whirl. Because the fast track to maturity is rushing into marriage with a fortune hunter after just six weeks of knowing him. (Well, Stephanie, maybe there's a reason you've been divorced twice before...) It gets even better when Stephanie takes her so-called "best friend" Jilly on her honeymoon with her new husband, Greg. And she conveniently creates opportunities for Greg and Jilly to sneak off together, only to end up as crocodile bait. Really, if you're going to get yourself eaten by a crocodile due to sheer stupidity, it's almost Darwinian selection in action.
Stephanie miraculously survives the crocodile attack, undergoes a complete plastic surgery overhaul, and emerges as a glamorous supermodel named Tara Welles. Because revenge is best served with a makeover montage. And speaking of revenge, you'd think Return to Eden would serve up some deliciously gruesome comeuppance as in I Spit on Your Grave, right? Wrong! Stephanie's idea of revenge is seducing Greg and making him fall head over heels in love with her, just so she can break his heart later. Bravo for the ultimate revenge! I mean, really, what a genius mastermind! It turns out Stephanie's surgical enhancements not only fixed her scars but also turned her into a seductive femme fatale. It's like she got a Ph. D. in seduction overnight?!
Return to Eden is like a masterclass in how not to create a compelling storyline, where the plot, or lack thereof, is a convoluted, hormone-driven mess. It's as if the writers decided to throw every soap opera trope into a blender and hoped for the best. And then there's the dialogue. It's cringe-worthy, to say the least. The characters spout melodramatic lines that would make even the cheesiest daytime soap opera blush. The production values are also questionable at best. The special effects are laughably bad, and the sets look like they were recycled from a high school drama production. It's like they had a budget of two dollars and a dream, and it definitely shows.
We start off with Stephanie Harper, a woman in her forties who's been divorced twice before, ready to give love another whirl. Because the fast track to maturity is rushing into marriage with a fortune hunter after just six weeks of knowing him. (Well, Stephanie, maybe there's a reason you've been divorced twice before...) It gets even better when Stephanie takes her so-called "best friend" Jilly on her honeymoon with her new husband, Greg. And she conveniently creates opportunities for Greg and Jilly to sneak off together, only to end up as crocodile bait. Really, if you're going to get yourself eaten by a crocodile due to sheer stupidity, it's almost Darwinian selection in action.
Stephanie miraculously survives the crocodile attack, undergoes a complete plastic surgery overhaul, and emerges as a glamorous supermodel named Tara Welles. Because revenge is best served with a makeover montage. And speaking of revenge, you'd think Return to Eden would serve up some deliciously gruesome comeuppance as in I Spit on Your Grave, right? Wrong! Stephanie's idea of revenge is seducing Greg and making him fall head over heels in love with her, just so she can break his heart later. Bravo for the ultimate revenge! I mean, really, what a genius mastermind! It turns out Stephanie's surgical enhancements not only fixed her scars but also turned her into a seductive femme fatale. It's like she got a Ph. D. in seduction overnight?!
Return to Eden is like a masterclass in how not to create a compelling storyline, where the plot, or lack thereof, is a convoluted, hormone-driven mess. It's as if the writers decided to throw every soap opera trope into a blender and hoped for the best. And then there's the dialogue. It's cringe-worthy, to say the least. The characters spout melodramatic lines that would make even the cheesiest daytime soap opera blush. The production values are also questionable at best. The special effects are laughably bad, and the sets look like they were recycled from a high school drama production. It's like they had a budget of two dollars and a dream, and it definitely shows.