The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975)

Don Knotts: Theodore Ogelvie

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Theodore : Will you stop tryin' to think!

• Theodore Ogelvie : You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm. I keep trying to tell you we ain't got no lead to throw, and no powder to throw it with.

• Theodore Ogelvie : You know something, Amos?

  Amos Tucker : Huh?

  Theodore Ogelvie : We got to make a decision.

  Amos Tucker : What?

  Theodore Oglivie : Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory?

  Amos Tucker : Right! Uh, just what do you mean... blaze of glory?

  Theodore Oglivie : Fighting till the last man's killed! What's it going to be, pard?

  Amos Tucker : You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn't all that bad.

• Amos Tucker : How much money do you figure that dude's got in front of him?

  Theodore Ogelvie : About five hundred.

  Amos Tucker : Five hundred? Wow! You know, that'll be, uh, that's two hundred apiece!

• Theodore : You and me been through a lot together, and although I climbed your hump once in a while, I - I just couldn't have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, I'm gonna spread my blanket 'side of yours, just the same as always.

• Sheriff McCoy : You're rear end's on fire, Theodore.

  Theodore : Oh. Thank you.

  [Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos] 

  Theodore : Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire?

  Amos : Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.

• Bobby : Where's your friend?

  Theodore : He better be in another county!

• Theodore Oglivie : Amos, that's the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.

  Amos Tucker : I know.

  Theodore Ogelvie : Three bitty kids with shovels walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us.

  Amos Tucker : I know.

  Theodore Oglivie : And you burnt my hand, Amos.

  Amos Tucker : Well, I'm sorry about that.

  Theodore Oglivie : And you scorched a hole in my best shirt!

  Amos Tucker : Well, I can fix that.

  Theodore Oglivie : [suddenly blows his top]  Why did you tell me those three bitty kids were a posse?

  Amos Tucker : Well, I thought I saw them hiding down there in the bushes.

  Theodore Oglivie : Oh, you couldn't see through a barbed-wire fence!

  Amos Tucker : Theodore?

  Theodore Oglivie : That head of yours wouldn't hold straw!

  Amos Tucker : Theodore?

  Theodore Oglivie : You couldn't sell hacksaws in a jail!

• Homer McCoy : This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

  Theodore Oglivie : Not guilty?

  Homer McCoy : Guilty!

  Amos Tucker : That was the wrong one.

  Homer McCoy : This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out.

  [Amos and Ted are let out of the cage] 

  Homer McCoy : Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o'clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope.

• Theodore : It's a piece of cake.

  Amos : You mean it ain't gold?

• Theodore : [to Amos, about a ladder]  Get back, you cabbage head! You're gonna bust it!

• Theodore : You don't thank a man for hanging you, you leather-brained ignoramus.