Family Guy (TV Series)

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (2005)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Loretta Brown

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bonnie Swanson : Somebody save him! He can't swim!

  Peter Griffin : Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!

  Lois Griffin : Peter! He's a paraplegic!

  Peter Griffin : That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!

• [Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch] 

  Emperor Palpatine : Good. Let the hate flow through you.

  [Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him] 

  Lois Griffin : You're not helping!

• [while Quagmire throws on a bathrobe, Brian sees the tattoo on his left butt cheek reading "Your Face Here. 555-0143"] 

  Brian Griffin : [points at Quagmire's tattoo on his butt]  Peter, look!

  Peter Griffin : Holy crap, that's the tattoo. Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is.

  [gets out his cellphone and dials the tattoo's number] 

  Peter Griffin : 5-5-5-0-1-4-3.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, I...

  Peter Griffin : Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.

  [Quagmire's phone rings and he picks it up and answers it] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Hello?

  [pullback to reveal Peter standing next to Quagmire on his cellphone] 

  Peter Griffin : Quagmire?

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah.

  Peter Griffin : Hey, it's Peter. What's going on, buddy? We're at your house.

  [Brian runs up and knocks Peter's cellphone out his hands and points at Quagmire] 

  Brian Griffin : Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta.

  Peter Griffin : Oh my God!

  Glenn Quagmire : Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! I didn't mean it, you know? I knew it was a mistake! It never felt right! Please don't tell Cleveland!

  Peter Griffin : Well, all right, Quagmire.

  [cut to Peter, Brian, Lois and Cleveland in the lounge room at the Griffin's House] 

  Peter Griffin : Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping with your wife?

  Lois Griffin : [shocked]  What?

  Cleveland Brown : Quagmire slept with Loretta?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.

  Cleveland Brown : It's okay.

  Brian Griffin : It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?

  Cleveland Brown : Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.

  Lois Griffin : CIeveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough!

  [erratically stands up, bends over and pulls down her pants] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, God! Peter, hit me!

  Brian Griffin : Yeah!

  [slaps Lois's butt] 

  Lois Griffin : [erratic]  Ow!

  [then Lois sheepishly turns around and covers her panties while Peter, Cleveland and Brian stare at her in shocked silence] 

  Brian Griffin : Wow, so that's something, about Quagmire and Loretta, huh?