Family Guy (TV Series)
The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (2005)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Dr. Elmer Hartman, John Edward, Bamm-Bamm Rubble, Emeril Lagasse, Emperor Palpatine, Pasqual, Darrin, Superman
Photos
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : To the Hindenpeter!
[Peter runs out of the house; a zeppelin flies by the window, followed by an explosion]
Joe Swanson : Oh, my god!
Peter Griffin : Joe, I am so sorry!
Joe Swanson : How do you afford these things?
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Bonnie Swanson : Somebody save him! He can't swim!
Peter Griffin : Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin : Peter! He's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin : That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!
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[Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
Emperor Palpatine : Good. Let the hate flow through you.
[Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin : You're not helping!
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John Edward : [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin : No.
John Edward : A 'B'?
Peter Griffin : No.
John Edward : C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin : P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward : Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin : Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
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[Loretta moaning in the background]
Brian Griffin : Hey do you hear that?
Peter Griffin : What?
Brian Griffin : Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter Griffin : Wha... What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian Griffin : It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter Griffin : Trouble at the old mill?
Brian Griffin : What are you insane?
Peter Griffin : Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian Griffin : It's summer.
Peter Griffin : Bobcat?
Brian Griffin : Rarroar Roarrroaarrr
Peter Griffin : Loretta's in trouble? Come on boy!
[Brian looks down at the ground knowing he lost a bit of his dignity]
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Glenn Quagmire : [thinking] Oh, God, I'm screwed! This is worse than the time I had to fess up to the nation.
Glenn Quagmire [as BIll Clinton] : My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus and I am sorry.
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Peter Griffin : [shouts] Rock lobster!
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[while Quagmire throws on a bathrobe, Brian sees the tattoo on his left butt cheek reading "Your Face Here. 555-0143"]
Brian Griffin : [points at Quagmire's tattoo on his butt] Peter, look!
Peter Griffin : Holy crap, that's the tattoo. Well, I think we're about to find out who the culprit is.
[gets out his cellphone and dials the tattoo's number]
Peter Griffin : 5-5-5-0-1-4-3.
Brian Griffin : Peter, I...
Peter Griffin : Shut up, Brian! I'm sleuthing.
[Quagmire's phone rings and he picks it up and answers it]
Glenn Quagmire : Hello?
[pullback to reveal Peter standing next to Quagmire on his cellphone]
Peter Griffin : Quagmire?
Glenn Quagmire : Yeah.
Peter Griffin : Hey, it's Peter. What's going on, buddy? We're at your house.
[Brian runs up and knocks Peter's cellphone out his hands and points at Quagmire]
Brian Griffin : Peter, he's the one we saw sleeping with Loretta.
Peter Griffin : Oh my God!
Glenn Quagmire : Damn it, I knew this was gonna happen! I didn't mean it, you know? I knew it was a mistake! It never felt right! Please don't tell Cleveland!
Peter Griffin : Well, all right, Quagmire.
[cut to Peter, Brian, Lois and Cleveland in the lounge room at the Griffin's House]
Peter Griffin : Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping with your wife?
Lois Griffin : [shocked] What?
Cleveland Brown : Quagmire slept with Loretta?
Lois Griffin : Oh, my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.
Cleveland Brown : It's okay.
Brian Griffin : It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?
Cleveland Brown : Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.
Lois Griffin : CIeveland, don't you see? This is why your wife left you. You don't have any passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see her man be a man. You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough!
[erratically stands up, bends over and pulls down her pants]
Lois Griffin : Oh, God! Peter, hit me!
Brian Griffin : Yeah!
[slaps Lois's butt]
Lois Griffin : [erratic] Ow!
[then Lois sheepishly turns around and covers her panties while Peter, Cleveland and Brian stare at her in shocked silence]
Brian Griffin : Wow, so that's something, about Quagmire and Loretta, huh?
