Father Ted (TV Series)

And God Created Woman (1995)

Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Doyle : It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that"

  Father Ted Crilly : Yes, Mrs Doyle.

  Mrs. Doyle : "You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse then Feck. You know the one I mean.

  Father Ted Crilly : Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle

  Mrs. Doyle : "F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole" That was another one.

  Father Ted Crilly : I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle

  Mrs. Doyle : "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

  Father Ted Crilly : Is it Mrs Doyle?

  Mrs. Doyle : "You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your ballocks out of my face."

  Father Ted Crilly : Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.

  Mrs. Doyle : "Ride me sideways" was another one.

• [Tom has just robbed the Craggy Island Post Office] 

  Father Ted Crilly : You're not up to your old tricks again, are you Tom?

  Tom : No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

• Father Ted : Ah, Sister Assumpta!

  Sister Assumpta : Hello Father!

  Father Ted : Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

  Father Dougal : Er, no.

  Father Ted : She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!

  [Dougal shakes his head] 

  Sister Assumpta : And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

  Father Ted : Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?

  [Dougal shakes his head some more] 

  Father Ted : You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.

  Father Dougal : Ah, Sister Assumpta!

• Mrs Doyle : I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.

  Father Ted : Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.

  Mrs Doyle : You've never read any of her books, have you, father?

  Father Ted : Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.

  Mrs Doyle : Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!

  Father Ted : It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.

  Father Ted : [uncomfortable]  Yes, Mrs. Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.

  Father Ted : [becoming exasperated]  Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!

  Father Ted : I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!

  Father Ted : Is it, Mrs. Doyle?

  [taking her arm and steering her out of the room] 

  Father Ted : Anyway...

  Mrs Doyle : "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.

  Father Ted : [finally gets her through the door and closes it]  Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.

  Mrs Doyle : [from the next room]  "Ride me sideways" was another one!

• Mrs Doyle : I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language! Unbelievable!

  Father Ted : Well, it's... it's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : Ah, it was a bit much for me, father. 'Feck' this, and 'feck' that.

  Father Ted : Yes, Mrs Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : 'Ya big bastard.' Oh, dreadful language. 'Ya big hairy arse, ya big fecker.' Fierce stuff. And of course, the F-word, father. The bad F-word - worse than 'feck.' You know the one I mean.

  Father Ted : Yes I do, Mrs Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : 'Eff you. Eff your effin' wife.' Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that! 'I'll stick this effin' pitchfork up your hole,' oh that was another one. Oh yes.

  Father Ted : I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle.

  Mrs Doyle : 'Bastard' this and 'bastard' that. You can't move for the 'bastards' in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

  Father Ted : Is it, Mrs Doyle? Anyway...

  [Father Ted starts to lead her out of the room] 

  Mrs Doyle : 'Ya bastard. Ya fecker. Ya bollocks - Get your bollocks outta my face!'

  [Father Ted leads her out of the room, and closes the door on her] 

  Mrs Doyle : [off-screen]  'Ride me sideways' was another one!