Red Dwarf (TV Series)
Balance of Power (1988)
Clare Grogan: Kochanski
Photos
Quotes
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Kochanski : [Lister is taking the chef's exam when a hologram of Kochanski walks in] Hello, Dave.
Lister : [as Lister stands there staring at her, the hot dish he's holding burns his hands and he drops it] I'm just doing this, erm... I'm taking this, erm... I'm... this is a surprise.
Kochanski : Dave, why didn't you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive?
Lister : Because I'm a dope. And I'm a bum. And I'm stupid and I'm an idiot and I'm hopeless and I'm useless.
Kochanski : I'm sorry but I just don't like you.
Lister : Oh, eh. I'm really embarrassed now. I don't know what to say.
Kochanski : I suppose it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now.
Lister : Well, yeah, it's sort of pointless me breathing in and out if you want to know the truth.
Kochanski : I could never love anyone like you. So you might as well pack up your pots and pans and... off you go. I need a man who's going places. Up, up, up the ziggurat. Lickety-split.
Lister : [pauses, with a suspicious expression] So, it didn't mean anything to you then?
Kochanski : What didn't?
Lister : You know, when we... made love on the snooker table behind the bins?
Kochanski : You never told me that!
Lister : I thought you might have noticed.
Kochanski : Oh, yes, yes! I remember now!
Lister : We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.
Kochanski : Look, look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment. I'm having a woman's period.
Lister : A "woman's period"! Women don't speak like that! Give me a break! I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer, but that is not Kochanski.
Kochanski : Its Kochanski's body, its Kochanski's voice... I mean, what's the difference? Come on!
Lister : The difference is that you're in there! Ugh!
Kochanski : Well, you can't blame me for trying.
Lister : Leave!
Kochanski : [takes a look under her shirt] I've seen something you haven't, squire.
[Lister rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Kochanski" does a Rimmer salute]
Kochanski : OK, Holly, swap discs.
[Kochanski disappears and Rimmer appears in her place]
Rimmer : [noticing he now has a female breast under his shirt] Uh, Holly, this is not my breast. I want my own nipple back, Holly.
Lister : Leave, Rimmer!
Rimmer : [fondling the breast] There's no rush, Holly.