Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

And the Plot Moistens (2006)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Judith Harper : [Jake's teacher wants to know if Jake has any hobbies outside of school]  Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.

  Alan Harper : Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

• Alan Harper : It's not *that* kind of relationship. It's-it's-it's intellectual.

  Charlie Harper : So! Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits, then *do* her in the restroom!

• Alan Harper : I guess I just always thought that, that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, that's an old wives tale, started to protect the interests of, you guessed it... *old wives*!

• Judith Harper : [spots Kandi across the room]  Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave *me* a diamond necklace!

  Alan Harper : Yeah? Well, you never gave *me* extra special, bonus sex!

• Alan Harper : Jake, I want you to tell your uncle what you wanted to sing.

  Jake Harper : It's called "Whup That Stanky Ho"!