To see the previous comments you'd think that this was a record-breakingly lousy movie. Quite frankly, you would be right. When I saw it, it was a question of a Maltese ex-pat tourist on holiday, a relative interest in the Maltese language, there happened to be nothing else on view worth watching and the rain was pouring down outside.
Lets try and start from the beginning shall we? I have watched enough movies, Hollywood and otherwise, to make some interesting observations. For older readers, not once did I even consider the old Edgar Lustgarten / Edgar Wallace B movie mysteries from the '50s could be duplicated. Boy was I wrong! I realize now just what classics they were after seeing Qerq!
So, Movie starts, credits come on, credits are crass. In fact, credits look like you would be half cut on dope or on some psychedelic trip, the way the graphics bounce around. Movie credits in general are supposed to be like an introduction to the tone of the film itself. And speaking of credits, why does Louis Cushcieri credit himself 3 times? Beginning, End and End End? Do we really need reminding who directed the WORST movie to ever grace the Maltese cinemas??
Acting. Or lack thereof. Or too much of, depending on how you see it. Well, not much to be said for this. In over two hours of cinematic 'enjoyment' one thing springs to mind; last few minutes witnessed a display of such abysmal thespianism that is makes the mind boggle! Witness the script: 'Feliciteeeeee Le Le Le! Feliciteeeeee Le Le Le!' One can only reply to this 'Fresh Air, Iva Iva Iva!!!'
Classic Line of dialogue. Respectable bank manager takes sample of cocaine and comments 'Prosit, prima qualita!' in THE most bored, indistinguishable monotone imaginable. Lets have some realism here. This guy looks as if he wouldn't know the difference between cocaine and Talcum powder unless it was pointed out to him.
Disbelieveable characters. The bank manager's Major-One Domo, Hector. (I ask you, is anyone even called Hector anymore??) Hes quite frankly a rubbish and incredibly useless character, put there just to feign an important tea-boy lackey for our Bank Manager buddy.
Last but not least, there's our bank manager's servant, complete with dickey-bow and white spotless gloves. Anachronistic simply isn't the word for it. Would someone care to enlighten me as to any bank manager from HSBC or BOV that has such a 'dapper' flunky?? In fact, does ANYONE in Malta have a servant, let alone one that looks like he stepped out of a 1920's cheesy Agatha Christie murder mystery? He is summoned by use of the proverbial tinkling-bell. Were I the butler, I'd shove it in the direction of our Bank manager's nether regions!
Also, Product placement runs rife in this film! For instance, ladies, how often, when receiving jewelery, would you open the box back to front, so that the contents (and conveniently enough, the manufacturer' logo) face away from you and towards the camera? Or,when several people sitting round a table drinking a well-known whiskey, from glasses bearing the label's name, have all labels pointing towards the camera? Plus one of their decorated vans, for good measure. The director must think the audience is blind, has dementia, or just has the memory span of a retarded goldfish. I assume that why he has the products, the script, the plot and anything else he finds relevant repeated ad nauseum, to the utter disbelief of an intelligent audience. Or at least a halfway-observant one.
Finally, effective 'reaction' shots.... Not applicable to Qerq. For instance, when the bank is held up. One of the characters, a wrinkly gentleman if I'm not mistaken, is zoomed in upon to capture the heart-stopping drama and fear the average citizen must've been feeling when at the heart of a bank robbery. The reaction is so heart-felt that one can see him probably pondering the terrifying thought 'I wonder if I left my bus pass at home!' Shock, horror! Really, the reactions of the extras (and of some of the main characters) were some of the most boring things one could witness, short of watching grass grow.
So whats on the agenda next for these intrepid film-makers? Just the ticket, a remake of 'Get Carter' with Tal-Lira slogans posted hither and thither all over the set. Possibly with a love scene,much like Qerq's kissing scene (the one in the garden, where the kisses have the levels of passion you'd expect from corpses.)
Finally, Thanks for making two hours of my holiday so very memorable (if not altogether enjoyable) :) Dub the film, sell it to channel 5 in the UK, show it after the pubs have shut and you'll make a lot of drunk, drugged and very bored teenagers very entertained!
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