My 12-year-old nephew chose this film off our NetFlix suggestions list. I find this suggestion extremely frightening because it proves the Internets, or NetFlix at least, are now self-aware and have the ability to read not only into your mind, but your soul. In the opening scene of the film I was skeptical; were these 'medieval' costumes so clean because they were rented and needed to be returned later that afternoon? were there actually three Snow White figures in each town? is chrome armor so effective you don't need pants? do six soldiers make an army?
As the piece continued, however, my disbelief lifted like a fog and I began to really get a feel for the characters. There was a woodland hunter, so human, so fallible, who did not realize he could not kill anything with his crossbow because there was no point on the arrow. This touch of subtlety in the creation of this work of art indicates a master's hand. The 'hero' character, young, naive, beautiful, wore knee-high boots with tassels that were as new to walking as he was to battle in a stunning display of symbolism. The greenish-yellow troll thing spoke with an electronically-altered voice rendering it completely impossible to understand and his floppy rubber hands warned me: DO NOT TRUST THIS TROLL. (I did not.)
In London I saw Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart perform Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," but never before have I been blown away by a performance than last night when I saw Billy Zane's interpretation of the King (I forgot the king's name). His mannerisms: pure royalty. His face: a mirror into my own decadence. His hair: well, I think it was a wig. It would be criminal for me with my rustic intellect to even attempt a worthy critique. Like a sunrise after a storm or the birth of an angel, you must see it to fully understand its beauty and its effect on the human spirit.
Many of you can appreciate a spectacular smile on a young woman, and boy does this film deliver. The filmmakers were well aware of the little-known tactic 'Amazon' warriors used with great effect: distract your enemy with the nearly-exposed female form. The grace and fluidity in movement of these lady-soldiers complement their skill as orators. When a supple young bodyguard tightens her delectable abdomen and draws a deep breath before pledging her very life to protect the princess, you find yourself hoping the situation never calls for blood, because she. is. serious. SPOILER: She lives like 2 more minutes.
I realize this review must gloss over much of the film, but the one scene that cannot be overlooked, the culmination of hours, maybe days of writing, setting up, filming, is the final epic battle between good and evil. The King's general, Fat Round-Faced Bald Man with No Pants, finally confronts our hero and his sexy entourage. With an army of at least 6 men, No Pants Man boldly dispatches everyone in his way, even our hero's beloved mentor who was supposed to be an awesome warrior. Fortunately, our hero is reminded through (rather ill-timed) flashback to "Remember his Destiny!" and soundly defeats No Pants Man by knocking tobacco juice out of his mouth. Our hero and his semi-buff, shirtless brother, accompanied by super-hot princess run to thrust the glowing sword into a pile of cardboard. I am not sure why the film crew chose cardboard, but it worked. Miles away, Billy Zane burst into flames (much like my eyes had done during his performance) and that was pretty much it. All the 'townsfolk' in their very clean costumes walked towards their dazzling castle, painted on the sky in the far distance.
In conclusion, this film, this commentary on the human condition, has started me on a new path. I no longer overlook starving homeless people. Now I look on with pity. I pick litter up off the street (as long as there is a trash can nearby). Please, take 84 minutes to watch this film and let's make the world a better place. One Star for only being 84 minutes long.
As the piece continued, however, my disbelief lifted like a fog and I began to really get a feel for the characters. There was a woodland hunter, so human, so fallible, who did not realize he could not kill anything with his crossbow because there was no point on the arrow. This touch of subtlety in the creation of this work of art indicates a master's hand. The 'hero' character, young, naive, beautiful, wore knee-high boots with tassels that were as new to walking as he was to battle in a stunning display of symbolism. The greenish-yellow troll thing spoke with an electronically-altered voice rendering it completely impossible to understand and his floppy rubber hands warned me: DO NOT TRUST THIS TROLL. (I did not.)
In London I saw Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart perform Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," but never before have I been blown away by a performance than last night when I saw Billy Zane's interpretation of the King (I forgot the king's name). His mannerisms: pure royalty. His face: a mirror into my own decadence. His hair: well, I think it was a wig. It would be criminal for me with my rustic intellect to even attempt a worthy critique. Like a sunrise after a storm or the birth of an angel, you must see it to fully understand its beauty and its effect on the human spirit.
Many of you can appreciate a spectacular smile on a young woman, and boy does this film deliver. The filmmakers were well aware of the little-known tactic 'Amazon' warriors used with great effect: distract your enemy with the nearly-exposed female form. The grace and fluidity in movement of these lady-soldiers complement their skill as orators. When a supple young bodyguard tightens her delectable abdomen and draws a deep breath before pledging her very life to protect the princess, you find yourself hoping the situation never calls for blood, because she. is. serious. SPOILER: She lives like 2 more minutes.
I realize this review must gloss over much of the film, but the one scene that cannot be overlooked, the culmination of hours, maybe days of writing, setting up, filming, is the final epic battle between good and evil. The King's general, Fat Round-Faced Bald Man with No Pants, finally confronts our hero and his sexy entourage. With an army of at least 6 men, No Pants Man boldly dispatches everyone in his way, even our hero's beloved mentor who was supposed to be an awesome warrior. Fortunately, our hero is reminded through (rather ill-timed) flashback to "Remember his Destiny!" and soundly defeats No Pants Man by knocking tobacco juice out of his mouth. Our hero and his semi-buff, shirtless brother, accompanied by super-hot princess run to thrust the glowing sword into a pile of cardboard. I am not sure why the film crew chose cardboard, but it worked. Miles away, Billy Zane burst into flames (much like my eyes had done during his performance) and that was pretty much it. All the 'townsfolk' in their very clean costumes walked towards their dazzling castle, painted on the sky in the far distance.
In conclusion, this film, this commentary on the human condition, has started me on a new path. I no longer overlook starving homeless people. Now I look on with pity. I pick litter up off the street (as long as there is a trash can nearby). Please, take 84 minutes to watch this film and let's make the world a better place. One Star for only being 84 minutes long.