Reviews

The first thing I need to say about this film is how remarkably similar it is to a horror nonsense film from a year or two ago, 'Darkness Falls.' It starts off with a kid seeing his family member killed by a mysterious creature (who of course does not appear until near the end, and when it does, you think, 'what were they thinking this time? How was that a good idea?') and then, 15 years later, not really much happens until he meets a little girl who, without really communicating with her, finds out she also knows about the Boogeyman. Then some stupid things that don't make much sense happen until it all concludes in messy special computer effects and a ridiculous display of Boogeyman's powers (for most of the film he just peeps out of closets, then at the end he starts flying around destroying everything in his path like an angry god).

This film had lots of good ideas in it which you may of missed, I'm gonna mention some of them. Most of them aren't properly explained, it's as if all the production crew wrote an idea on a piece of paper and they drew them out of a hat before shooting each scene.

The finer points of Boogeyman. (major spoilers, as if it's spoiling anything) ------------------------------- 1. Firsty, the Boogeyman is not a poor House of the Dead Dreamcast sprite but appears to be made of the things the main guy feared as a kid - the electric ball, the coat, the zombie toy, the raven. so is Boogeyman created by the kid's fears or does he take on the form of what you fear? If it's the former, then why would he be motivated to go round getting all the kids which the little girl seems to know all about? 2.Secondy, what about the images in the house and especially the ghost children in one of the film's decent scenes? Is he imagining it? Is it a vision? Is he psychic or mad? NOT PROPERLY EXPLAINED 3. Just like the 'teleporting through closets' trick which I remember from an episode of 'The Real Ghostbusters; about the Boogeyman. 4. There seems to be lots of clues that suggest the main character was actually mad and killed his uncle and girlfriend and the boogeyman didn't actually exist. This would have been very interesting. I don't think it's anything to do with it though.

Oh, Boogeyman! How silly you are.

Yes, that's a good alternative title for this film. Now the Doctor is not usually interested in the comments of other viewers, but he could not help but see how divided people were over this odd offering. A masterpiece of girl power? A travesty in exploitation cinema? Both? Naaaah!!! It's just a load of total nonsense!

Spoilers may ensue!

'Rip off' is a good tagline for this one. The start is like an army training movie! Now you all have to kill each other! It's Battle Royale! No, kill each other in an arena battle with funky music and different weapons! Okay, it's Mortal Kombat or maybe a Chuck Norris movie or something. Well, suddenly, it's No, really! The naughty soldiers give each other five and everything! Well then how about it's Naked Killer/every Hong Kong assassin movie ever. Nah, boring, kill off one of the characters with no explanation to have a big end fight with... some guy, doesn't matter where he came from.

If you could call it fighting, it's up to Hong Kong standards but involves so much leaping flipping diving and spinning you wonder whether Wong Jing knows anything about movies at all... I think you know. Them actresses may indeed be damn fine hell yeah (you can't really tell the main two apart), but well! Do you like movies or do you like hyperactive titillating nonsense! I think you know the answer to that one too.

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS***

It's another offering in the genre of 'neo classical' kung fu films which means 'a love story with some good fighting in it.' And yes, the fighting is pretty darn good, even if it's more like a collection of set pieces than a movie. If you read any more, you might find spoilers, 'cos it's one of those films that changes the plot completely half way through.

And very poorly I might add, as basically everyone ends up dying for no good reason and then just as you're ready for the big revenge fight involving the enemy and the House of Daggers ... it ends.

What? What?

Where's the evil villain with a bizarre technique? Where's the team of characters who fight with their special weapons? Where's the white haired master? We want kung fu, not rolling around on the grass watching Zhang's funny little ears twitching! Mind you, there was some more 'hand to hand' fighting which Hero sorely lacked and some arrow shooting to shame Legolas, but when you see those credits appear rather than half an hour of roaring battle that they OWE you, you're gonna burn hotter than a wasabi flavour popsicle.

FIGHTING! THESE FILMS ARE ABOUT FIGHTING! If I had a flying dagger for every martial arts movie with 'not enough fighting' in it, I'd have a lot more flying daggers than there are in this film.

And there are a fair few.

They just don't do enough. Next!

Miike Takeshi, you have done it again. Why can't you just make normal films like everyone else? How about a nice romantic comedy? This film fits into the genre of Random Slaughter Fest. There is no possible way to figure out what is going on here. Except of course, that a lot of people are getting killed. It's as though Miike (Mikey?) watched a kung fu film or Fist of the North Star or something and thought, 'well, nice idea but I don't care much for the story or the dialogue.'

Samurai turns up. Other people turn up, sometimes a martial opponent, sometimes a bunch of normal people. Samurai kills them.

Why?

SPOILER ALERT! My theory...

If you are lucky enough to see a film called Shaolin Hellgate you have a vague chance of figuring this one out. I reckon he is supposed to be fighting through Hell. That guy with the snake is the Devil and the insurance salesmen are damned demons or whatever. Those knives they have are often seen in the hands of Japanese Devils. He seems to visit scenes of his past, but it's not really important. He also might be the avatar of War incarnate, but, well, he could also be wishing for it all to end much like the audience.

Give it a rest Takeshi!

Let's not muck about - this film is completely ridiculous. And steven is the greatest man in the world of ridicukous. Here then, are the best lines in this hilarious film. CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILERS! Note that everything that comes out of Steven's mouth is hysterical in any case. For a start his name is Mason Storm. That just about beats Gino Felino and Nico Toscani.

Scene - some essais randomly attack a convienience store. The owner jumps out from behind the counter with a baseball bat and says 'I got half a mind to-' The lead essai blows him away, and replies, 'Now you only got half a mind!' Imagine the emphasis starting at the beginning and dwindling neatly away to nothing.

Scene - Steven uses his mystic Chinese healing powers to bring him back to full strength after 7 years in a coma. He punches a training post so hard it flies out of the ground. Kelly leBrock says, 'May-son schtorm'. Exactly like that.

Scene - Steven throws a grenade he has just mysteriously found in his pocket. There's no line, but his face is a picture.

Scene - Steven is tracking down the baddies in the governor's mansion. The corrupt cop, nervous at Steven's intrusion, finds Steven has written 'ANTICIPATION OF DEATH IS WORSE THAN DEATH ITSELF' on the wall in massive letters somehow. The bent copper lifts up the toilet seat in the bathroom to find Steven has written 'YOU'RE NEXT' on the underside of the toilet seat. Oh really, has he. Steven then shouts out, 'HOWDOESITFEELTOKNOWYOURABOUTTODIE?!' How could he possibly think that was an acceptable way to speak in a movie?

The best scene in the movie - Steven is tracking the final villain in his bedroom. He's calling out 'Vernon?' 'Where are you Vernon?' 'Oh, you're so god at this Vernon' at random intervals. He then says, 'Maybe you're behind this painting'.

For a start, there is no painting on screen. Secondly, how could he possibly be hiding behind a painting? You really have to hear this line to appreciate just how funny it is.

And finally, of course, when Steve-o stabs his wife's killer in the neck with a piece of snooker cue, it sounds like this: Baddie: 'Nice moves'. URRRR! AAAGGH! ARRR! Urrrr. Steven: That's for my wife, F*** you and die!

This movie utterly rules.

This movie doesn't really contain demons per se, but it does contain two things that the Chinese excel at in their horror films: an awful lot of running around and screaming and an incredible amount of folklore and legends crammed into a scary long-haired woman. I'll explain exactly what the ghost's problem is in a minute, so be alert that there's a SPOILER COMING! These oriental horror films often make so little sense it's good to have someone on hand to put it in black and white. So that's what I'm-a gonna do! The rest of the movie revolves around the evil ghost paging and texting the unfortunate idiots and then killing them with illusionary techniques or simply rendering tthem stone dead.

HERE THEN IS THE GHOST'S BACKGROUND AND REASON FOR KILLING:

The apartment in which the movie is set was inhabited by a woman whose husband would never come home as he was watching Manchester United play football. So she threatened to kill herself, at the same time burning a charcoal doll her husband had bought which was made of ancient Chinese soldiers who were burned alive by their treacherous lord. The husband wished the wife would shut up and kill herself, so she did. HOWEVER! She was cutting her wrists when the husband reconsidered and paged her back saying sorry, but on that day a meteorite fell to earth which caused all pager messages to be transmitted in reverse, so she killed herself and merged with the soldier spirit to become an evil ghost. OH REALLY DID SHE. But wait, there's more! She kills all those who wish to die... but as not all of the 'heroes' make such a wish, they worked in a newspaper and all of them ripped it out of the woman for comitting suicide. Yeah, cheers! So she brocks them all anyway for being chiefs. Well, there you go!