Reviews

Joe Spinell's one of the great unsung horror actors and this is one of his finest hours. Also if you are not aware of Joe Spinell this is a great introduction.

In the Last Horror Show, A starlet is stalked by a fan and things keep getting out of hand, with an amazing set-piece climax.

In a sense this has a similar theme to "Fade to Black" with a crazed film buff except our villain here is fixated on a single woman. Technically it's not a slasher because he's not a random killer, but it's not a giallo either. I guess we'll just have to call it a great movie about horror films and a killer with some really chilling moments.

Far better than "Misery" another film about a crazed fan. But Misery is claustrophobic while Last Horror Show is freewheeling and fast-moving.

So ... my wife and I have been watching Midsomer Murders from the start, and have immensely enjoyed them. Yeah not every show is brilliant, but by and large they are solid.

Until this one. Man alive STRAW WOMAN sucked big time. I can only assume the screenwriter had some kind of axe to grind. Here are just a few of the massive flaws.

1) every single religious person in the show is displayed as a near- psychotic ignorant hypocrite. Even a judge & a doctor are idiots, apparently solely because they are religious. The church-goers are so ludicrously extreme their prejudice, frankly, lost all its force. I just rolled my eyes when the crowd actually started calling for the burning of witches. Seriously? Even Barnaby, whom we KNOW attends church from other episodes, bad-mouths the citizens in town.

2) more anti-religious tripe. They outright say that Christians have a "sadomachistic" approach to death, AND that the Bible calls for witches to be burned. While the former statement might be just an opinion, the second is simply not true. The only slightly sympathetic church person is also massively neurotic.

3) Scott immediately falls into bed with a "person of interest". One second he's questioning her, the next he's spending the night. This is NOT what I've come to expect from Detective Scott, seems hugely unprofessional, and isn't in character. At all - he is usually portrayed as rather endearingly awkward around women.

4) other characters are goofy. They pull motivations out of nowhere. The girl supposedly likes this kid out of nowhere, after trying to seduce his rotten old dad, playing horrendous pranks on him, and generally tormenting him. Yeah sure all is forgiven because she sat at his bedside after he is nearly killed. Another character who seems a likely choice for the murderer is let off when she says, she would never murder someone for their beliefs because her ancestor 400 years ago was executed for witchcraft. And Barnaby & Scott apparently agree that this would mean she wouldn't kill someone and leave. ??

5) every atheist in the show is portrayed as wise, and kind, and correct all the time. Usually there is at least a lampshade showing that both sides have points to make. Not here. It is utterly black and white. Church = bad. Atheism = good. Even the idiotic "alternative doctor" is better than the real doctor, because she is an atheist I guess.

If you're religious, this insults you. If you're not a believer, then this insults your intelligence. So far in 7 seasons this is the only episode that I wish I hadn't seen.

Ecch.

The Snorkel (what a terrible title!) starts out in a very Columbo- ish way. We SEE the killer committing his murder, and exactly how he does it. The rest of the film follows two threads - one is his young step-daughter, gradually piecing together the puzzle; while the other are all the adult authority figures suppressing and threatening her.

So the film is both a murder mystery, plus an "uncaring adults vs. poor child" story. It's well-done, well-acted, and has some tense moments. It is emphatically NOT a horror story, but it is interesting enough for what it is.

One reviewer opined that the snorkel system used by the killer would not work, because no one could breath through a hose 10 feet long (which is about what he has in the film). However the film specifically shows that he has TWO hoses - presumably one for intake, and one for outgo, which would, indeed work effectively. Though the film doesn't harp on it. It is just shown without comment.

Peter van Eyck does a good job as the villain, and Mandy Miller as the daughter is a surprisingly good actress for a 13 year old kid.

I had heard of this film, but had dismissed it, pretty much because after seeing DIE MONSTER DIE, and THE CURSE, I had decided I was done with "Colour Out of Space" knock-offs. They're nearly as bad as the "Lurking Fear" knock-offs.

A friend I trust strongly recommended it to me, and so I bought a copy. I am so glad.

DIE FARBE is in black and white, and it is a period piece. It takes place in three time periods – 1975, the 1930s, and finally 1945. The film-makers moved the action to Germany (where they are located), and World War II is referenced, but they did not make the mistake of having the war be the central topic.

DIE FARBE is well worth seeing for any Lovecraft fan. One clever touch they achieved was that the only color in the movie is THE Colour, if you get my meaning, but even here they are very subtle. The first few times the Colour shows up it is pale, and easy to miss or (more likely) to leave you uncertain you saw anything.

WHY DIE FARBE RULES The movie doesn't follow the stale Hollywood 3-act plot sequence (apparently it is taught in school nowadays, mentally shackling new generations of would-be screenwriters). Instead, the movie simply builds up a more and more ominous mood until finally horror comes to fruition.

The film also doesn't follow the execrable trope of trying to explain everything either before or after the fact. It just lets the events unfold, yet remain inexplicable. Of course, this leads to confusion for spoon-fed viewers. But after all the whole point to the Colour is that we cannot understand it – it is an entity so alien that the only way it can interact with us is to feed.

The sets and cinematography were excellent, in my opinion. The actors were decent, though not not world-beaters. Sometimes the film is a little slow, but that is the nature of a mood-piece. I was certainly never bored.

WHY DIE FARBE DROOLS Well, it doesn't really drool. But it has a very few minor weaknesses. One is the fact that the supposedly all-American protagonist early in the film speaks English with a strong German accent. I sympathize with the film-makers. Given that he was the guy they wanted, they were stuck with his non-American nature I guess.

I still liked the show though. That minor false step didn't ruin it. Check it out.

Look, no one is saying "Wishmaster" is among the great horror series, but it has some fun moments, and I count myself as a fan. I enjoyed Wishmaster, and loved Wishmaster 2. I was excited to see Wishmaster 3, though naturally I expected some dropping off in quality. (Yeah I know. I am probably way too tolerant of cheap direct-to-video horror flicks.) Unfortunately, Wishmaster 3 doesn't even follow the admittedly vague Wishmaster rules. People make wishes, but then the Wishmaster basically just kills them. Example: a guy wishes for two hot girls to be in love with him - they turn up, kiss him, then kill him. How does that fulfill his wish? Heck, I can think of ten ways in which having two hot girls who love you can be transformed into something horrible and murderous - but the writers of Wishmaster 3 couldn't. Pfui.

The villain is not ominous at all. I miss the guy from Wishmaster 2 - man he could ROCK a creepy grin.

The whole show is crippled by an idiot subplot in which the girl heroine can't bring herself to say "I love you" to her boyfriend. Even though she sleeps with the guy, she is tagged as having "intimacy issues". Really? The only bright point in the whole film is that when it's over and the evil djinn returned to his gem, all the people he killed aren't magically resurrected. Man I HATED that in the other films. Sadly it's not enough to make up for the suckitude otherwise.

Well, on to Wishmaster 4. Here's hoping.

You have to admit, it takes balls of titanium to film an entire shark-attack film without ever using a single original frame of shark footage. Also, it takes Bruno Mattei. A lot of comments on the film mentioned that the shark changes species from scene to scene - well that's because it's a different shark from entirely different movies, of course. Bruno even cribs a scene from Jaws! Really, Bruno? You didn't think people seeing your cheap-ass shark film might have seen Jaws? Wow.

Features a little cripple girl whose legs seem to work fine when she's swimming. Her Hulk Hogan lookalike dad, while she is smiling sunnily, mentions, "I lost my wife, my will to live, but most of all, Suzy's smile." Well her smile is back dude - how about the rest? Also features my favorite Evil Rich Guy of any movie. Listen to his horrible crimes. When Hulk fails to pay the rent due on his penny-ante aquatic theme park, Evil Rich Guy threatens to ... foreclose? Nope ... sue? Nope ... he offers to PAY Hulk enough money to "set him up for life", and forgive the debt. Despite this he is clearly portrayed as the boo, hiss villain. (Hulk nobly refuses to accept this gift.) Later, Evil Rich Guy out of his own pocket pays for shark nets and armed patrol boats to protect the obligatory regatta that has to happen every year or the town goes bankrupt. Then Evil Rich Guy offers a $100,000 reward to catch the shark, and his own son dies in the attempt. Really, he's the nicest Evil Rich Guy I've ever seen in a film. He even pays out the $100,000 reward to the good guys when they earn it.

You can always tell when someone is about to get killed, because they change outfits to something different, so they'll match the stock footage Bruno has of a shark attack.

There is one brief moment of originality - an event I've never seen before in a shark movie - when it turns out that none other than the Mafia itself is putting pressure on Evil Rich Guy. But it all works out when the two goombas are killed by the shark, because apparently they were the whole Mafia.

Go go Bruno! Also watch for the moment when out of the blue he steals the Star Wars theme!

Bruno Mattei is one of my favorite directors. Not because he's great, but because he is always entertainingly terrible. Who can forget such amazing films as "Women's Prison Massacre" or "Zombie 3". He was unique.

"Land of Death" is often touted as Predator meets Cannibal Holocaust, but really it's not. Yeah, he steals scenes from Predator (in fact, he steals the same scene THREE TIMES in typical Bruno ham-handed manner), but really it's only because he has soldiers in the jungle, so why not? The plot does not otherwise mirror Predator. There is not even a giant boss-fight in the end, though with supernal brilliance, he actually foreshadows such a boss-fight in the dialogue and scenes. Then doesn't deliver. Et tu, Bruno? Two acts of on-camera animal violence, and it is probable that the murdered piglet is a prop - seems kind of prop-like during the death scene. I'm pretty sure they killed that snake though - jerks.

The aspect that bugged me the most was how quickly Bruno's "crack soldiers" lusted for insane vengeance on the not-really-cannibals, after one (1) of their guys was killed. Particularly because we see the soldiers kill dozens to hundreds of the indians in retaliation, including burning down their village. Yet I think we are supposed to root for the soldiers.

My favorite guy was Kruger, the "Irishman". In fairness he did have a mock-Irish accent.

Really my problem with Land of Death is that it wasn't batshit stupid enough to stand with Bruno Mattei's greatest moments. On the other hand, because it was a disappointing Bruno Mattei film, that kind of makes it the perfect Bruno Mattei film.

If you are a Mattei fan, check it out. If you are not yet a Mattei fan, go watch The Other Hell, The Tomb, Island of the Living Dead, Women's Prison Massacre, SS Girls, or Hell of the Living Dead first. Those will amaze you with Bruno's chutzpah.

So first off, I strongly recommend this to everyone. Yeah I gave it 3 stars (which was generous), but it is a delight every second. Bruno Mattei decided to take on the big-budget Mummy starring Brendan Fraser, and even has a big blond numbnuts with all of Fraser's bad qualities (but none of his good ones - like charisma).

The film opens up with the least-convincing college students of all time, out on a random archeology trip with the least-convincing college professor of all time.

Eventually they hook up with a moderately-convincing witch with a backstory that makes no sense whatsoever. They summon up a cheap-ass Mayan mummy who goes "Rawr" and then students start dropping like flies. there is a little Army of Darkness in the mix, and some ancient traps, and some neato undead Aztec Priests pounding on tom-toms, and an ancient jewel and more.

Basically, Mattei's plan for this movie is to keep throwing things at you hoping you'll forget nothing in it makes sense.

I loved every second and I bet you will too.

I can't understand why some people rate this highly, unless they are so desperate for Science Fiction they'll accept anything.

Yes the show has poor special effects, but I don't care about that. I love old Dr. Who and Star Trek episodes, and they have terrible special effects too. So the effects are no problem.

The acting is not great, but I've seen worse. Frankly, the actors are given such bad scripts it's no wonder they were unable to seem convincing.

The main reason I could not stand this show was simply because of the terrible plots and awful writing. The main character is supposed to be some kind of tough bounty hunter, but he is easily tricked and defeated by almost every person he is trying to capture. His niece actually flirts with the bad guys and nearly destroys the ship in every episode. The co-pilot talks a good talk about being tough and following the rules, but she is an idiot too.

Here are just two little examples. For one, the captain captures a murderess and her son. Because the son wasn't on the arrest warrant, the captain lets him out of the lockup and lets him wander around the ship (!) In a later episode, the niece actually gives a wanted convicted criminal a hologram projector, which he then uses to get the drop on and nearly kill the rest of the crew. (Note: this amazing hologram technology is then not seen again in use in the show. Idiots.) I could go on and on, but the plot holes, the retarded behavior of the leads, and the awful, awful writing just makes this painful for me to watch. It is nearly as bad as Bonekickers, and not as well filmed.

Avoid if you like science fiction at all.

Yes I know I only gave it 2 stars, but bear with me. If you know who Bruno Mattei is, then see this! It's hilarious for any zombie-movie fan.

Here are some Things I Learned from Island of the Living Dead:

1) If the opening to Lucio Fulci's Zombie is good, then repeating it three times in a row is even better!

2) Damage from a zombie uprising is indistinguishable from earthquakes.

3) Catholic churches are often underground, and are decorated with images of the Grim Reaper

4) Filipino natives often wore Conquistador armor, or dressed like Spanish ladies with mantillas.

5) If you are not looking at a pack of zombies, they immediately vanish.

6) It's easy to make a raft with no tools but a hammer.

7) Boats have a self-destruct button. It's red, and explodes the whole boat instantly.

Here are some examples of Great Dialogue from this movie:

"I know you're the best carpenter I know of."

Girl "Tao sacrificed himself for us – we have to go back!" Guy "No, Tao sacrificed himself for us – we have to run away!"

Tough Guy offers arm to zombie "Go ahead! Have a bite!" Zombie *chomp* Tough Guy "Argh!"

Bruno Mattei stole scenes from Night of the Living Dead, Lucio Fulci's Zombi (repeatedly), and even his own film, Hell of the Living Dead. But in each case, the theft was in some way inept. For instance, Mattei steals the scene in Lenzi's Nightmare City when the characters encounter a priest in an abandoned church and accost him. But when the priest turns around, he's a zombie. But in this movie, the characters are on an island completely uninhabited by humans, and the person they mistake for a "priest" is wearing a filthy black hooded robe. Is that how priests dress? Why would they expect a priest? The answer - they wouldn't, but this movie doesn't care.

It makes so little sense that one plot point, to which attention is drawn several times, is that the zombies are only out at night. Except that we see zombies in the daylight throughout the movie. It's like Mattei can't remember his own dialog.

Frankly, I can't wait to see Zombies: The Beginning. If it's anything like Island of the Living Dead, it will make for a huge treat.

Hilariously bad. Watch with a friend.